


Attack of the Sneezing Snuffleporgs

by revenblue



Series: [series] Tales of the Narrator [5]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Alien Abduction, Crack, Early Work, F/M, Fantasy, POV Third Person, bright green ninja cows, vampire clothes dryers that drink your left socks with orange juice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-15
Updated: 2012-07-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:00:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 51,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23155210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: "It's not going to be an alien invasion. This planet doesn't even have cows!"
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Series: [series] Tales of the Narrator [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/746541
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	Attack of the Sneezing Snuffleporgs

**Author's Note:**

> As of this posting I now have 213 fics posted, which is an arbitrary af milestone but one I've been looking forward to. And so, to celebrate said arbitrary milestone, I present, for the very first time, Attack Of The Sneezing Snuffleporgs aka my first NaNoWriMo participation/win.
> 
> Originally (mostly) written in November 2011, then apparently I worked on it in 2012??? but didn't _finish_ it apparently. And _then_ I finally actually legit finished it in February/March 2020 with the help of, mostly, We All Lift Together on loop. (Still listening to it as I write this, haha.) Really, any music that aids focus by being repeating and familiar is helpful, but that one in particular got me through large chunks.
> 
> Maybe half the editing was putting scene breaks back in, because I had to convert from rich text to markdown except in the process of conversion it gave me html with no scene breaks whatsoever which I then _find-replace'd_ into markdown. Much of the rest was paragraphing.
> 
> And then there's the ending. As in, it didn't really have one until today, March 15, 2020.
> 
> As with my other Narrator stories, it's an odd blend of third omni and third limited but, like, _deliberately_. A lot of this is highly questionable slash Problematic™, I'm aware of that, but editing that out would have taken far more effort than the half-assed edit I felt like giving this due to deadlines etc. So it's a more or less accurate idea of who I was back in 2011/2012 (hence the upload date). Sometimes more, sometimes less *shrug*

"So."

"Why is the Narrator here?" the Narrator asked.

The head of the Board of Narrators (no, not a piece of wood) looked down at a piece of paper.

"The charges brought against you are quite serious. Neglect and abuse of the characters in your care-"

"That didn't stop Anthony Horowitz!" the Narrator protested.

"He is a published author/Narrator."

"Does that mean that you have to have Protection From Editors to abuse characters?"

"We didn't say that."

The Narrator glared at the Board.

"Do you deny attacking your characters with a bazooka?"

"Bleep no. It was the most fun the Narrator has had in a long time. And it's _the_ Bazooka, not _a_ bazooka."

"Very well," the head of the Board said, writing on the paper.

"You have also revealed yourself to the Reader," another member of the Board said.

"The Narrator had to comment on the action."

"You have interrupted the story you were telling. This is against the Code."

"And yet it's fine for characters to interrupt the Narrator?"

"You have interfered with the story you were in charge of."

"The Narrator's contributions _improved_ it."

"You have no proof."

"You are also accused of lying to the Reader," third Board member added.

"How is that a bad thing? It's so common there's a trope for it!"

"It is not good business practice to, as you would say, 'screw with the Reader's mind'."

"Ever read House of Leaves?"

"No. We have not."

"It's Nightmare Fuel, Paranoia Fuel and Mind Screw wrapped up in a book-sized package. That has no problems screwing with the Reader's mind."

"It is also not good business practice to replace originality with tropes," another Board member added.

"Everything has tropes. Everything is a trope. It is impossible to have a Tropeless Tale. Just look it up on TV Tropes."

"We had high hopes for you, given your mentor, but you are becoming a liability," the head said.

"What?! You gotta be kidding!"

"You will be given one last chance to prove to us that you are worthy of retaining your position."

"What if the Narrator doesn't want to?"

"You cannot defy your superiors."

"Why?" the Narrator demanded.

"You are a mere Narrator." The head checked its notes. "There is a narrative on planet Schrodinger that we feel will test you adequately. Good luck."

"This is gonna be fun," the Narrator muttered sarcastically. "Named after some physicist. It's gonna be a _real_ blast."

"You will be unable to use all of your Standard Narrator Superpowers," the Board member added.

"Bleep. Which ones?"

"You will be stuck in human form. A _real_ human, so do not try to breathe underwater."

"Double bleep. What else?" it sighed.

"It would take too long to tell you the whole list."

This is gonna be fun, it thought. Finding out what the Narrator can still do.

"One more thing. You are to stay at least one light year away from your previous characters at all times."

"Oh, bleep."

The head of the Board clicked fingers it had created just for this, and the Narrator disappeared.

The Narrator reappeared halfway up a tree. It was a fairly large tree, with lots of fairly sturdy branches.

"They could have chosen a better place for the Narrator to arrive," it muttered. "So, this is planet Schrodinger. What kind of person names a planet after a physicist?" It teleported down. "Only a boring one," it concluded.

It checked its new body, finding that it was in a masculine human body (a fact it did not find at all pleasant), with hair that came halfway down its forehead, wearing a plain t-shirt and shorts. This last thing made it smile. "So they _are_ comfy and easy to wear. Those kids knew their stuff."

A shiny item caught its eye. It picked up the item, finding a sapphire about the size of a golf ball. It shrugged, putting the gem into its pocket. Might be useful later. As currency, maybe.

The Narrator then looked around, finding that the tree it had appeared on was the only tree in the area. And that there was a group of people coming towards the tree with axes. And one chainsaw. "Not the Narrator's problem," it muttered, turning to walk away.

"Help me," someone said.

"Why?" the Narrator asked. Then it realised it hadn't heard anything through its ears. Telepathy. It considered going back to change the quote marks, but didn't feel like it. 'Isn't telepathy against what the physicists discovered?' it thought.

'Yeah, well, I'm not from here,' the mind replied. 'Though if you go back far enough, the elves aren't either.'

'Why are there elves on a planet named after a physicist?'

'They named it.'

'That doesn't make sense.'

"Hey you!" a voice shouted. An actual voice this time. "What are you doing?"

"What's it to you?" the Narrator replied.

"We need to cut down this tree."

"Just wait, will you?" the Narrator asked, thinking of the telepath.

"Are you some kind of tree-hugging gryphon?" the leader of the group demanded.

The Narrator ignored him and started searching. It found an injured man lying near the tree. The man would have been crushed if it had fallen on him. The Narrator picked up the man and strode away. "Carry on," it said dismissively to the woodcutters.

They blinked. Twice. Classic fiction trope.

"Who the hell was he?" one of the younger woodcutters asked.

"No one important," another replied. "Let's just cut down this tree, shall we?"

* * *

"What's with this place?" the Narrator asked later, out loud. "And who were they?"

'Elves. Those people were elves.'

"Elves," the Narrator repeated. "Shouldn't they be protecting trees instead of cutting them down?" It shook its head. "This is one messed up place."

'From what I've heard, it used to be a good place, but since Tygerrin CXXXIV became king of the elves, it's all gone downhill.'

"So the Narrator is here for a bit of politics. _Boring!_ "

'You're a Narrator?'

"Yeah. Why?"

'Maybe you can tell me why I'm here.'

"No idea. But telepaths don't just appear randomly. There must be a reason."

'Well, if you find out, tell me.'

* * *

The tree was eventually cut down. It fell in the opposite direction to where the man had been, killing a cat that had been lying in the sun.

Poor kitty.

* * *

"This looks like a good place to rest," the Narrator said a while later when they found a cave. It set the man down and stepped back to see who it had rescued. It blinked, not believing its eyes. Nothing changed. "Holy fleeping bleep!" the Narrator breathed. "What the bleep happened to your face?"

'Don't have one.'

"You don't... have... a face," the Narrator repeated.

'Yep.'

"How do you eat? Breathe? How are you _talking_?"

'The talking part's easy. We read each others' minds.'

"There are _more_ of you?"

'Of course. One of anything doesn't survive long. But I'm the only one here.'

"What do you mean by that?"

'I'm from the future, I think.'

"Great. Even more of a mystery. Why can't everything be simple?"

'Because that's not how narratives work.'

"What do you mean, 'narrative'?"

'It makes sense, doesn't it? You're a Narrator, so obviously this is a narrative. As for eating, we have mouths on our hands.'

"Nice to know."

'Which, of course, makes hand-holding much more intimate than for your species.'

"My spe-" the Narrator began, slipping into first person. "What do you mean?! The Narrator is a Narrator!"

'You sound like a human.'

"Do not."

'The echoes tell me you have a human appearance.'

The Board has just made it onto the Narrator's List of People Who Need To Die, the Narrator thought to itself.

'That's not very nice,' the man chastised.

"Don't care."

'How long is this list, anyway?'

"Including you, there are four names that haven't been removed."

'So you're going to try to kill me too?'

"After whatever narrative you star in. As the Narrator said before, telepaths don't appear randomly."

'So I'm a main character?'

"Unfortunately, that seems to be the case," the Narrator sighed.

'What do you mean, 'unfortunately'?'

"The Narrator thought it was obvious. You're a pain in the... what's the word for the thing that connects the head to everything else?"

'Neck,' the man supplied.

"You're a pain in the neck."

'You're _real_ nice, aren't you?'

"Definitely."

'I was being sarcastic.'

"So was the Narrator."

'Why do you speak in third person, anyway?'

"Because."

'Because. Worst explanation ever.'

"Shut up."

'I mean, personal pronouns are useful. Easier than talking in third person, anyway,' the man pointed out.

"Talking in third person is part of being a Narrator."

'And the rest is cruelty to the characters?'

"Yep. Wanna try it?"

'The narrating or the cruelty?'

"The cruelty, of course. There can only be one Narrator. And the Narrator will not let it be you. You'd just muck it up, anyway."

'Would not.'

"Would too."

'Would not.'

"Would too."

'Would not.'

"Would too."

'I think I'll take a nap now,' the man said. 'I'm tired.'

"Making the Narrator do all the work is exhausting, then?"

'Got it in one.'

"Glad the Narrator could be of service."

'Hey, take it easy on the sarcasm! I'm trying to get to sleep!'

"Shut up!" a new voice screamed nearby, interrupting this petty argument.

"No!" came a response. "I'm right and you know it!"

"What, about her being ugly? You're such an idiot."

"Take that back!"

"I shouldn't have expected a gryphon to be civilised."

"Well, excuse me for not being an elf."

"You just don't appreciate her beauty because you're a frickin' _gryphon_!"

"If being an elf means saying she's pretty, I don't want to be an elf. I have no idea what you elves see in her."

"Like you could understand, gryphon-boy."

"The only reason anyone likes her at all is because she's Tygerrin's daughter."

"You leave Uncle out of this."

"I'm just saying she's a heartless bitch."

"Don't insult my cousin!"

"Why not? _You_ don't like her."

The Narrator stood, intending to sort out this nuisance. Or at least get them to shut up. It walked in the direction the argument appeared to be coming from, and found a clearing with two youths yelling at each other.

One was a winged humanoid. His sleek feathers and messy hair were a marvellous sky blue, and he stood over the other, wings extended. His feet were lion-like, with long claws digging into the ground. His muscles (or rather, the skin covering them) glistened with sweat. Those that were visible underneath his grey tunic. A belt held the tunic together, and supported the short sword hanging at his waist. A lion tail came out from the back of the tunic, moving gently in the barely noticeable breeze.

His opponent in the battle of words was a slim woman, who the Narrator guessed was one of the elves. Her hair was long and black, contrasting with her pale skin. She wore a dark blue dress, which emphasised the difference in tone. Her feet were bare. She also had a sword, a sabre, which she had slung over her back.

The Narrator noticed that the swords remained sheathed. Obviously the fight wasn't that important.

"I'm allowed to dislike her!" the elf girl yelled. "She's family!"

"That's a bad excuse," her opponent replied.

"How? Don't you hate your siblings?"

"Yes, but-"

"My point exactly!"

"Um, what are you two arguing about?" the Narrator interrupted.

"That- that _gryphon_ ," the elf spat, pointing, "said my cousin was ugly!"

"Is she?" the Narrator asked curiously.

"Yes, but-"

"Then there's no problem."

"I was only saying that Princess Ruta is nowhere near as good-looking as her," the gryphon said.

"Oh, _great_. A compliment backfire. A _perfect_ excuse to fight," the Narrator muttered, facepalming.

"He disrespected the Royal Family!" she screamed.

"They're not _my_ royal family!" the gryphon shot back.

The Narrator sighed and pulled out the Bazooka, firing a shot at the ground between the two. The blast threw them both back, where they landed on the ground with a thud. It was only after it had done so that it realised that the Board hadn't blocked that particular Standard Narrator Superpower. So at least it had its armoury. Which, if everything here was like this, was going to be very useful.

"Why the hell did you do that?" they yelled simultaneously at the Narrator.

"The Narrator was sick of your arguing!"

"...Narrator?" the elf asked.

"Are we in a story or something?" the gryphon added.

"The Narrator doesn't know yet."

"So why are you here?" the gryphon wondered.

The Narrator clenched its fists. "The Narrator is on probation," it muttered.

"Does that mean you're a newbie?" the elf queried.

"No. The Narrator managed to displease the Board with its behaviour."

"A piece of wood?"

"No, most definitely _not_ a piece of wood. Don't you know _anything_?"

'What's all the racket? I was trying to sleep!'

"Oh, boy. Now you've woken _him_ up. This is gonna turn into a snarkfest now, isn't it?" the Narrator groaned.

"Who?" the pair asked, looking around.

"Oh, right, you're not telepathic. He'll be here soon."

Sure enough, the faceless man ambled into the clearing a few seconds later.

"Why doesn't he have a face?" the gryphon asked.

"How the bleep should the Narrator know?"

'All my people are like this.'

"He says all his people are like that," the Narrator translated.

"How does he eat?"

'This is gonna be a fun conversation,' the Narrator thought.

'No need to be sarcastic.'

'Shut up, you.'

"Through his hands. And he breathes through his skin. Happy now?"

"How does he-"

"He'd like you to know that the rest of him is perfectly normal," the Narrator answered rapidly, thanking speed-of-thought transmissions for warning it of what the gryphon was thinking. And of getting it the necessary information from the man's mind.

"What's his name?" the elf asked.

'Zane.'

"Zane, apparently."

'Would you ask the name of this lovely young lady?'

"He wants to know your name," the Narrator said to the elf.

'Savage,' Zane thought scornfully.

"Elure. Elure Aieranna."

'What a nice name.'

"I'm Prince Ratiflaia, pride of the Skywing tribe," the gryphon added.

"Is there any way you can shorten that? It would make the whole thing much easier," the Narrator grumbled.

"Call me Rati."

"That's better."

"Why do I need to know _your_ name?" Elure sniffed. "You're just a gryphon."

"Don't act all high-and-mighty with me, Elure."

"Who gave you permission to use my name?"

"I was being polite. Don't elves have _manners_?"

"Only when dealing with _civilised_ people."

"So I'm not civilised?"

'Here we go again,' the Narrator thought to itself.

* * *

"Who are you?" Elure asked the Narrator when the latest argument was over.

The Narrator paused. "The Narrator," it answered.

"That's not a name, that's a title."

"...The Narrator doesn't have a name," it muttered.

"We'll give you one, then. You need a name so that people don't try to abuse your presence."

'How about Bob?' Zane suggested.

"Not Bob. Bob's a stupid name," the Narrator objected.

"How about Anzea?"

"No. _Far_ too feminine."

'Daniel?'

"Jerid?"

'Alistair?"

"Legolas?"

"Too boring, too masculine, too weird, and who would inflict _that_ on their child?"

"What are you doing?" Rati asked, walking over.

"Nothing," Elure stated, glaring at him.

"Giving the Narrator a name," the Narrator answered.

"How about Juldir?" Rati suggested.

"Best idea yet."

"Hey!" Elure protested.

"It's true," the Narrator pointed out. Elure glared at it.

"Runka?" Elure proposed, determined to have the last word.

"The Narrator prefers Rati's idea."

Elure glared at the gryphon (yes, again), before suggesting more names. All of which were rejected instantly.

The Narrator sighed.

"This is not working. Rati, what was your idea again?"

"Juldir."

"That'll do."

Elure glared at the Narrator, who ignored her.

"That's right, choose the beast's name. It's not like I care, you gryphon-sympathiser," she muttered darkly. She stomped away into the forest.

"This is so exciting! I can't wait to tell the Elders about this!" Rati exclaimed, bouncing up and down.

"Why not visit them now?" the Narrator, newly renamed Juldir, asked. Although it will retain its title so that the Reader (that's you) doesn't forget who the most important character is.

"Sure!"

The Narrator transformed. Or at least tried to. "Bleep," it muttered upon failure. "Why the bleep didn't it- oh. The Board removed some of the N- of Juldir's Standard Narrator Superpowers. That's just perfect. Bleeping bleeps." It sighed. "Sorry, Rati, that visit to your Elders is going to have to wait."

"Oh well," Rati said. "Just don't forget. Hey, where did Elure go?"

Before anyone could answer, there was a shriek from the forest.

Rati raced towards the sound, drawing his sword. The Narrator and Zane followed afterwards. They arrived at the scene to find Elure standing over a goblin corpse, sword in hand.

"Elure!" Rati cried, seeing her.

She spun around, pointing the blade at the gryphon's throat. "Stay away from me, you _gryphon_ ," she spat.

"Whoa, hold on," Rati stammered, throwing his hands up. "Look, I'm putting the sword away." He moved slowly, worried she'd kill him if he moved too fast.

The Narrator and Zane burst out of the forest behind him, skidding to a stop when they saw what was happening.

"Oh, bleep," the Narrator muttered. "Not _again_!"

No one moved for what seemed like hours, but was in reality only a few minutes.

Then...

Rati took a step back.

As if triggered by the motion, something leapt out of a tree and landed on Elure's shoulders. "Die, elf," it snarled.

"Don't you goblins ever learn?" she replied as she spun, hacking at the goblin with her sword. "It's hard to kill an elf."

Rati ran back into the cover provided by the forest, seeing several more goblins hiding in the shadows, while the Narrator pulled out a large collection of knives from its portable armoury. There was one (1) fork in there as well, for some reason. It threw them at the goblin, barely missing the elf.

One of them unfortunately killed a cat. Strangely, it seemed to be the same one as before.

"Watch where you're throwing those things!" Elure yelled.

Zane somehow had a bag of popcorn and was watching the action. Although the effect was spoiled by the fact that his hand remained in the bag. And that he had no eyes to watch with. In fact, having no face has a negative effect on the whole aesthetic.

"Where did you get that?" Rati whispered. Then he remembered that Zane couldn't talk.

Zane sighed (well, bowed his head in what was presumably a sigh) and pointed.

Rati looked to see a popcorn stand. 'Why is there a popcorn salesman here?' he wondered to himself. Then he shrugged, putting it out of his mind. He paid for a bag (with one of his feathers), but when he reached the audience area again, it was over.

Okay, not quite. The _goblin's_ part in it was over, though.

Elure was yelling at the Narrator for cutting off part of her hair in its attempt to help, while Rati ate a mouthful of popcorn that tasted strangely like goat cheese and found that he didn't mind it.

Meanwhile, unnoticed by any but their audience (the gryphon and the faceless man), two more goblins ran out and dragged their dead companions away. A third one followed soon afterwards. Said goblin was wearing a pink frilly dress and was dancing and waving ribbons. And singing, too.

"~I'm a pony! A pretty, pretty pony! I want to frolic in the meadows, all day long!~" the goblin sang. Unfortunately, they were out of tune. Unlike their friends, thei captured the attention of Elure and the Narrator, who turned to watch the bizarre spectacle.

"What the bleep is that?" the Narrator asked.

"No idea," Elure replied.

"A dancing goblin?" Rati supplied.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Elure groaned, "for that meaningful contribution to the conversation."

"My work here is done."

"Can you go away now?"

"No."

"Do you have any Brain Bleach?" the Narrator requested hopefully.

"Sorry, no."

"It's just that that's a sight that Juldir wishes it could unsee. And that's what Brain Bleach is for."

"I have to admit, that sounds pretty good right now," Elure said.

"Time for Plan B."

"What's Plan B?"

Instead of answering directly, the Narrator held its hand in front of it and concentrated. Nothing happened. "Bleep. Do you happen to have any strong alcohol?"

"Not with me, but if we head to Bohr we're sure to find some."

"Juldir _has_ to ask... what's with the place names? What's so great about physicists?"

"That was Elure... Computer Elure," she added, seeing its confusion. "She named them. Tygerrin CXXX gave her that honour when they arrived here. She always says that she would never have been developed if not for physicists."

"So she gave places here really stupid names."

"'Do not question Elure's wisdom'," she recited.

"To err is human- er... elvish, but to really foul things up you need a computer," the Narrator countered.

"Elure is more intelligent than any elf."

"Oh, boy, a race of imbeciles."

"Take that back!"

Rati got more popcorn, as he found the prospect of Elure-the-elf getting mad to be quite entertaining when it wasn't _him_ she was getting mad at.

"Juldir cannot. The words have already been said. Would you like some more to go with them?"

"Shut your face!"

"How? Yet another example of your lack of intelligence. Were you the top of the class?"

"Of course! I passed with 98%!"

"What did you get wrong? Was it the square root of four? It's irrational, you know."

"It is not! You'll regret that! I'll make you eat those words!"

"It is physically impossible for any humanoid to consume sound waves. Not to mention the difficulty with mastication."

Rati sniggered.

"It means 'chew'," the Narrator added over its shoulder to the gryphon.

"Right, that's it! I've had enough of you!" Elure screamed. "Let's see how you like this!" She brandished her sword.

'Can this body withstand an injury from that?' the Narrator wondered.

'Depends on if it's fatal.'

'Shut up.'

'If you got stabbed in the torso area, which is quite likely with the way she's waving that thing around, then you'll probably die.'

'Why didn't you shut up?' It sighed. 'Juldir absolutely _has_ to kill the Board when this is over.'

'Can't you go a day without some sort of murderous intent?'

The Narrator ignored Zane's criticism, pulling out a spoon. And not just _any_ spoon. It's _the_ Spoon. A giant Spoon as tall as the Narrator. Capital letter necessary.

Elure's jaw dropped. "You're going to fight me with a _spoon_?" she spluttered.

"Why not?"

"You're crazy!"

The Narrator swung the Spoon, sending a Spoon Beam (like a Sword Beam, only cooler) flying at her.

She dodged sideways, slashing at the Narrator with the sword.

It blocked the blade with the handle of the Spoon, before delivering a kick to her stomach.

She flew backwards, slamming into a tree. A large spider dangled from a branch above, unnoticed.

"Think we should warn her?" Rati asked through a mouthful of popcorn.

Zane shook his head.

The spider dropped.

The first Elure knew of it was when it landed in her hair. She looked up at the creature's hairy legs and screamed.

" _Argh! Get it off! It's in my hair, it's in my haaaaiiirrr!!!_ " she shrieked.

The two spectators burst out laughing as the elf ran around in circles.

The Narrator smirked, put the Spoon away, and picked the spider up by the tip of one leg. The arachnid twisted, trying to find a way up or down, or, in fact, anywhere where it was not suspended by one leg. "Awww... he's so cute. Can Juldir keep him?"

"No!" Elure cried.

The Narrator pouted. "What's wrong?" it asked. "Afraid of a little spider?"

"He's a huge spider and you know it!"

"But he's so _cute_!"

"Bugs are so _icky_!"

"Spiders are not bugs. They are arachnids," the Narrator muttered.

"I don't care! It's still icky! And you can _not_ keep him!"

The Narrator marched over to the edge of the clearing and dropped the spider, which hid from the strange being. "Hey, peeps," it said quietly, staring past the bushes. "Come here."

The other three looked over the Narrator's shoulder.

"What's that?" Rati asked.

"Seems to be some sort of hermit," Elure replied.

The man looked up. He wasn't old, not really, but his sparse head of hair was grey, and his clothes were torn. He looked like a prophet.

"They're coming," he hissed in a cracked voice. "They're coming and no one can stop them. No one can save her, except the chosen heroes. Only the heroes can save her. Are you the heroes? The warrior, the maiden, the sage, and the stranger... they are the ones who will save her when she is stolen away... Are you the heroes? Are you ready? They're coming..."

"What is this guy on?" Rati whispered.

"Don't know, but he needs to get a grip on reality," the Narrator said.

"What does he mean, 'heroes'?" Elure wondered. "And who are 'they'?"

"Not our problem," the Narrator responded. "Someone else's job."

"What if we're the heroes he's talking about?" she insisted.

The Narrator snorted. "Not likely. Prophecies are all a load of faeces, anyway."

"What is it with you and big words?" Elure demanded.

"Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness."

"That doesn't help."

"It wasn't meant to."

'You're such a bastard.'

"Can't you peeps keep this G-rated?"

'No.'

"What?" Elure asked.

"Not you, him." The Narrator pointed at Zane, who attempted to look innocent. Which is much easier when there's no face to give away how much you want to burst out laughing.

"Sorry to interrupt, but it's getting kinda late," Rati interjected. "We should set up camp."

"Good idea," the Narrator said.

"I'm not spending the night anywhere _near_ a gryphon," Elure stated, storming off.

"What about the spiders?" the Narrator called.

Elure returned, looking extremely unhappy. "I'm doing this under protest," she pointed out.

"Protest noted," Rati acknowledged.

'Shouldn't someone invite the prophet guy to stay with us?'

"If you want to, Zane, go ahead," the Narrator answered.

Zane stood, walking over to the prophet, who was still lying on the ground.

"What's he doing?" Elure asked.

"Inviting that random guy over," the Narrator replied. "Somehow."

"Why?"

"No idea."

'You have no sympathy,' Zane sighed mentally.

'Totally,' the Narrator agreed silently, so as to not look like a madperson having half a conversation.

'That wasn't a compliment.'

"Anyone else hungry?" Rati asked.

There was a chorus of 'yes's. And a nod. And a murmur of "They're coming..." from the prophet/hermit.

"I'll go hunting then."

"Hold it!" Elure objected. "I'm not letting a gryphon search for food! He'll just bring back bugs!"

"Gryphons don't eat bugs, Elure," Rati sighed.

"How do I know you're telling the truth?"

"Come with me and help. That way you can see for yourself."

"Fine. I will."

'Why does she look like she's just won a battle?' the Narrator thought as they left.

'She feels insecure around him.'

"What!" the Narrator blinked. "Why?"

'She doesn't know how to deal with him.'

"How do you know this stuff?"

'The echoes make it easier to read body language.'

"What do you mean, 'echoes'?"

'I see with my ears. Like a bat.'

"Echolocation... makes sense."

'Why do you know so many long words?'

"TV Tropes. Well, mainly TV Tropes."

"They're coming..." the prophet repeated.

"Do you have _any_ idea what he's on about?" the Narrator muttered.

'An alien invasion?'

"Can't be."

'Why not?'

"One, this is a fantasy world. Despite the strange naming theme. No place for aliens. Two, alien invasions are so serious. Juldir doesn't narrate serious. It's just not going to happen. Ever. Three, this planet doesn't even have cows. Everyone knows aliens steal cattle. Lastly-"

There was a crash from the forest, interrupting the Narrator.

"Don't let him get away!" a voice yelled.

"What the hell are you doing?" Elure demanded.

"Stay back, your honour. We'll protect you."

"I don't need your bloody protection!"

"Elure, tell these bastards to let go of me!" Rati demanded.

"What have they managed to get themselves into this time?" the Narrator muttered. It teleported to the scene, leaving Zane with the prophet.

"They're coming..." the prophet mumbled again.

'What are you, a broken record?' Zane thought.

The old man didn't hear him. For obvious reasons.

* * *

"What's going on here?" the Narrator demanded.

Everyone paused. Two elf soldiers stared at the Narrator, temporarily forgetting about Rati, who took the opportunity to fly to safety in a tree. Four more sat around the base of another tree, bandaging wounds. A couple of broken bows lay at their feet.

Elure stood by herself, breathing heavily, sword in hand. It was covered in blood.

Rati was the first to speak. "They attacked me!" he accused, pointing at the soldiers.

"She attacked us!" the soldiers cried, all six pointing at Elure.

"They hadn't learned the 'no touching Miss Elure' rule yet," she said. "So I was teaching them."

The Narrator sighed. "Juldir can sort this two ways. Do you want the easy way or the hard way?"

"What's the easy way?" Rati asked.

"All these warriors turn around and go home right now."

"And the hard way?"

"Not a good idea," the Narrator summarised with a grin. "For you, anyway."

"But we were sent to retrieve Miss Elure!" one of the soldiers protested.

The Narrator pulled out the Bazooka. "So you choose the hard way?" it asked, grin widening.

The soldiers rapidly assured the Narrator that they did not actually want to do things the hard way. "We'll leave, and tell Tygerrin the bad news that you won't be returning for your 40th," their leader said.

"Wait, what?" Elure exclaimed. "Damn, I almost forgot! That's it. We're going back with them."

"Even me?" Rati asked.

"Yes," the elf girl stated. She turned to the guards. "He is not to be harmed, do you understand? Same goes for the other one."

"Yes, Miss Elure!"

* * *

'I think they forgot about me...' Zane thought morosely.

"They're coming..."

'Will you shut _up_?'

"They're coming..."

'Yep, definitely a broken record.'

"They're coming..."

Zane hit the prophet on the head, hard enough to knock him out.

Silence.

'That's better.'

* * *

"They keep looking at me weird," Rati whispered to the Narrator when they were underway.

"Quiet, gryphon!" Elure ordered.

"I _have_ a name. Why doesn't she use it?"

Elure marched over and grabbed him by the ear.

"Rati, stop your whining!" she hissed. "If they knew I was _willingly_ associating with a gryphon, things would go badly for me. I'm trying to keep you alive, so just... pretend to be Juldir's pet or something, will you?"

"I'm not happy about this," he muttered when she returned to the front of the group.

"Aw, come on Rati, it could be worse," the Narrator said cheerfully. "She at least sees you as a person, even if she thinks you're inferior. But that part's because she's an elf."

"How do you know that?"

"Telepathy is a Standard Narrator Superpower."

"Not that, the 'seeing me as a person' thing."

"She used the word 'pretend'."

"As opposed to what, exactly?"

"As opposed to saying 'you can be Juldir's pet'."

"Saying 'pretend' isn't much better. I'll still get treated as a pet."

"Would you rather be dead?"

"No," he admitted.

* * *

When he woke up, Zane saw (metaphorically) that the others still hadn't returned, and sighed.

"They are coming to take the Princess in the citadel away. She will be locked away and given the most horrible torture any being could imagine. Only the heroes can prevent this coming to pass. Run, find the heroes, before it is too late!"

'He never shuts up...' Zane muttered. Or the thought-based equivalent.

"Disaster will strike if the heroes are not found in time. Chaos will ensue if she is taken. The world will end if I miss Buffy because of you, you damn kid. The Princess must be saved, and the betrayer must be locked away. Trust me, I'm a prophet."

The old man whacked Zane on the head.

'Hey!'

"Listen! You _must_ go to the shining citadel! The plot demands it of you!"

'Alright, alright, I'm going!'

As he left for Bohr, Zane heard the old man speak again.

It sounded suspiciously like 'damn kids'.

* * *

"Behold! The wondrous city of Bohr!" Elure announced, sweeping her arm towards the city.

"Couldn't they have chosen a less reflective building material?" Rati complained, shielding his eyes.

Elure glared at him. "The Shining Citadel!" she continued, pointedly. "The pride of the elves of Heisenberg!"

"Great, another physicist," the Narrator muttered.

"If you two keep interrupting, I'll bash your heads in," the elf girl threatened.

' _Someone_ has anger problems,' the Narrator thought, even though the Narrator was just as bad, if not worse. But anyway, back to the story.

"How long are we going to stand here being blinded?" Rati asked.

"Savages," Elure muttered, starting down the hill towards her home.

* * *

'Great, I'm lost,' Zane thought as he pushed his way further into the forest.

"Bohr is that way," a voice said. Zane checked, finding that it was the prophet, and that he was pointing the way the man without a face had come from.

Zane sighed. 'That's just _perfect_.'

He turned and trudged the other way again.

"And I'm not a broken record," the prophet added. "I just pretend to be. Makes it more authentic."

* * *

When they reached the city, there was a delegation of guards waiting for them. "Welcome back, Miss Elure," the leader said.

"Where's Uncle?" she asked.

"In the Town Hall. He's been waiting for you."

"I'll see him immediately. Oh, and my companions are to be allowed to the party."

"Even the gryphon?"

"Sure, why not? Juldir will keep the gryphon in check. Won't you, Juldir?"

"Yes, Elure."

She smiled, and strode inside the city walls.

"Do you have a collar for it, Mr Juldir?" a guard asked the Narrator, indicating Rati.

"No, Juldir does not have a collar for Rati. By the way, Juldir is not a _mister_ , Juldir is an _it_. _Rati_ is a he."

"Rati? Interesting name. I suppose he does look a bit like a rat."

"Get your hands off me!" Rati yelled at another guard.

"Sorry," the Narrator said, unapologetically, "he doesn't like strangers."

"Very well. You may enter our city. Although your pet will need a collar on at all times."

The Narrator pulled out a collar and leash from a pocket that Rati could have sworn was empty before. Not that he'd been checking. "Is this sufficient?" it asked.

"It appears to be."

The Narrator advanced on Rati with the collar.

Rati glared. "You are going to pay for this," he hissed.

"The guards have bows. If you act up they'll turn you into a pincushion, so just play along."

"I'm doing this under protest," Rati muttered as he allowed the collar to be placed around his neck.

"Protest noted."

"He doesn't appear to like it much," the guard noted, watching Rati tug at the collar.

"He's just not used to it. Juldir doesn't make him wear it out in the wilderness."

"Why does he have a sword?" one of the younger guards asked.

"So that he can protect Juldir. Would you like it removed?"

"Yes, please."

The Narrator turned back to Rati. "Sword."

"I want you to swear you'll return it."

"When it's safe to do so. Meanwhile, it'll keep the Bazooka and the Spoon company. Although one downside is that it may end up sentient..."

"What does 'sentient' mean?"

"Alive, basically."

"Oh, joy. A living sword."

"Can you lay off the sarcasm? Please?"

"Yes, _master_."

"That was sarcasm."

"I don't care."

"This is a dangerous place," the Narrator murmured as it led Rati down the street.

"No kidding," Rati muttered as he saw a cat being chased by snarling dogs. Yes, _that_ cat.

"Something is going to happen near here soon. Juldir knows it."

"Me dying?" Rati muttered.

"No." The Narrator turned to the gryphon, eyes wide. "It's to do with why Juldir is here. Something big is going to happen. Something that will set events in motion. Something that will show the Board just how good Juldir is."

"Hey, calm down," Rati cautioned.

"Don't you see? This is Juldir's big chance!"

"To cover an alien invasion?"

"It's not going to be an alien invasion. This planet doesn't even have cows!"

"Fine, something big that has _nothing to do with aliens_ will happen here. _Now_ can we find Elure? I need to sleep!"

"Fine," the Narrator sighed. It led the way through the maze of streets, searching for the Town Hall.

* * *

Zane soon found his way out of the forest. He strode further out into the open, and continued down the hill to Bohr, which he could sense in the distance. The _sight_ , as such, didn't awe him, as it was too dark to see the shininess of it. Not that it would have meant anything if it was the middle of the day, what with him having no face and all.

Halfway down, his toe caught a rock of some sort. He checked, finding a nearly spherical, faceted stone about the size of a golf ball. Judging by the faceted part, it seemed valuable, so he put it in a pocket and continued on his way.

It took him only a few minutes to reach the city gates. Once there, he slipped inside, relying on the guards' lack of night vision from sitting around a fire to keep the chill off. He found it laughably easy to get past them into the city. They didn't even know he was ever there in the first place.

Once inside, he checked the echoes of the city, then decided on a path through the maze of streets.

* * *

After an hour of searching, the Narrator was ready to give up. It sat on some steps conveniently located just off the road. "Stupid Town Hall," it muttered.

"I think we found it, Juldir," Rati said excitedly, looking in a vaguely upwards direction.

"Where?"

"You're sitting on the front steps."

"How do you know it's the Town Hall?"

"Because it says 'TOWN HALL' on the front."

The Narrator got to its feet slowly. "Juldir is tired, okay?"

"So am I, and I was the one who saw it," Rati pointed out.

"Damn you."

"What does that even mean?"

"Juldir wants you to go to hell, and is so tired it will actually say the words."

"What's hell?"

The Narrator sighed. "Fantasy characters these days," it muttered to the Reader. (That's you.) "Rati," it said, resigning itself to explaining, "hell is pretty much where people go when they die. Would you like a one-way ticket, leaving now?"

"You're not a nice person," Rati accused.

"Juldir never said it was." It glanced at the sign on the front of the building. "That's weird writing. What language is it?"

"Firkaa."

"And yet the language sounds like English."

"What's English?"

"Never mind." The Narrator took a closer look at the sign. "The backwards P is T, right?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You're not the only one," the Narrator sighed. "Let's just get inside, shall we?"

* * *

"Visitors for you, Miss Elure!"

"Who are they?"

The messenger checked his notes.

"A Mr Juldir and his pet gryphon."

"Send them in."

The Narrator and Rati were ushered in.

"So you made it in okay?" she asked when the door had closed behind them.

"Yeah," the Narrator answered.

"I still hate this damn collar," Rati grumbled, tugging at it.

"If you didn't have it, you would already be dead," Elure said.

"That's what makes it so frickin' annoying."

There was a knock at the door. "Elure? Are you in there?"

"Come in, Uncle!"

The door opened and another elf came through. He was tall, with long blond hair in a ponytail. His ears were what the Narrator considered to be ridiculously long and pointy, much more so than Elure's ears. His blue eyes shone in the light of the lanterns in the room. He wore a red tunic with cream-coloured leggings and brown boots. He was also very, very pretty.

The Narrator thought he seemed vaguely similar to, but not the same as, someone it had seen. But it couldn't remember who this elf looked like.

"I must say, it's a pleasure to meet my niece's companions," the elf said in a surprisingly deep voice. For some reason the Narrator was surprised he didn't say 'hyut!'. Or some other non-word.

"Holy crap, it's the king of the Bohrs!" Rati exclaimed. No one laughed at his pun.

"Please ignore him, Uncle," Elure said hurriedly. "He's just a stupid gryphon."

"Very well." The elf turned to the Narrator. "You must be Juldir. My niece told me about you."

'Did she mention the way Juldir insulted her entire species?' the Narrator thought. It didn't say this. What it did say was "So you'll be Tygerrin, then?"

"That is correct. Although I would prefer you refer to me with my full title: King Tygerrin CXXXIV."

"Juldir will keep that in mind, your Majesty," the Narrator said with a small bow that conveniently concealed its eyeroll. 'Like bleep Juldir will. Who does he think he is, a god?'

A quick search through Tygerrin's mind revealed that this was not the case, and that Elure hadn't said anything bad about her companions.

"You have an interesting way of speaking," Tygerrin noted. "Almost as if you have no sense of self."

'How the bleep does this guy know so much?' the Narrator thought to itself, anxiously. It didn't let any of this show, however. In fact, it was glad to be stuck in human form now, because of it wasn't, it would have shape-changed several times already out of the nervous energy buzzing through it. "Juldir can assure you that that is not the case."

Tygerrin said nothing.

Rati yawned loudly.

"Uncle," Elure interrupted, "would you mind excusing us? Juldir has travelled a long way, and I'm sure it would like to sleep."

"I am sure you know best. Get a servant to show them to a guest room." He turned back to the Narrator. "It was a pleasure meeting you," he said, holding out a hand.

"You too," the Narrator replied, shaking the elf's hand.

Tygerrin left, leaving the three of them alone again.

"Guest room?" Rati asked.

"The Town Hall is also my family's house," Elure explained. "Come on, I'll find a room for you."

"But Tygerrin said-"

"To get a servant to do it, I know, but the servants would make Rati sleep on the floor." She led them out into the hallway.

"Why are you being nice all of a sudden?" Rati asked suspiciously.

"You're nicer than most of the elves here," she admitted.

"How? They all call you 'Miss' Elure?"

"They're trying to remind me to be feminine and useless like Ruta," she sighed. "I'm not going to wait in a tower for a Prince to rescue me."

"Beauty like yours deserves to be shown off, anyway," Rati added.

"I'm not beautiful," the elf stammered. "Not like Ruta."

"You just keep telling yourself that."

There was an uncomfortable silence the rest of the way, neither of them willing to continue the conversation, and the Narrator not caring enough to make polite small talk. Finally, at long last, they reached a door.

"Here's your room," Elure said as she opened the door, glad to break the silence.

"Thanks," Rati said, yawning.

"I'll bring some food in the morning," Elure said.

"You don't have to-" the Narrator began.

"The servants would kick up a fuss if they found a gryphon in the bed."

Rati walked into the room towards the nearest bed, but was pulled up short by the leash. "Any chance you can take this thing off?" he growled, tugging at the collar again.

"Fine," the Narrator sighed. The collar disappeared.

Rati felt his neck again to make sure it was gone. Satisfied, he strode to the bed and fell face-first onto it. He started snoring almost immediately.

"You'd better get to bed as well," the Narrator said. "You're looking as tired as he was."

"It has been a big day," she agreed. "Have a good night."

"You too."

With that, Elure left, soon disappearing into the distance in the long hallway.

The Narrator stifled a yawn as it stepped inside, closing the door. It tried to remember what humans did when they slept. They lay on the bed, didn't they? Which it did, but something wasn't right. Oh yeah, the blankets. It fixed this too. And then... what did they do to fall asleep?

The Narrator didn't figure this out, as it was already asleep. Which means it did figure it out.

* * *

Zane was lost. He had followed the thought signals of the Narrator this far, but then they had stopped suddenly, like the Narrator was asleep. Why would the Narrator be sleeping?

He read the thoughts of the man who'd been following him for the last half an hour. It was night time? What did that mean? Oh, an absence of light. What was 'light'? He probed deeper. Night was when most people slept. Okay, makes sense.

The man was creeping closer. He had a sharp blade and was... intending to kill him?! Zane dodged the first attack, and kicked towards where the second one would come from. There was a loud cracking sound as the man's forearm broke. The man screamed, dropping the knife.

Zane ran, not wanting to get caught. Let's see... the Narrator was in this direction when its thought signals had faded. He turned down the alleyway. Dead end. He returned to the major road he was on. Another street. This one was larger, and led to the front of a large building. Zane sat on the bottom step in front of the building and sighed. It was never going to find the others this way. It was a pity he couldn't read the sign above his head that said 'TOWN HALL'.

He dug out the golf ball-sized gem and tossed it in the air, catching it. It was going to be a long night. He put the ball away and sighed again. He may as well get some sleep.

* * *

In the morning, the Narrator was the first to wake up. It sat up in bed, covered in sweat, and shook its head, trying to get rid of its lingering dream. Or nightmare, more accurately. It looked out the window and saw a familiar figure.

'Oh yeah, him,' it thought sheepishly.

Zane didn't appear to be awake, though, so the Narrator teleported outside (thankful that it still had that particular Standard Narrator Superpower) and prodded him.

'Stop poking me,' Zane thought, still half-asleep.

"Zane, wake up," the Narrator muttered, continuing the poking.

'Wha? Oh, hi, Juldir. Fancy meeting you here.'

"Hi. Uh, sorry about leaving you with that prophet guy..."

'No worries.'

As if summoned by the reference to him, the prophet wandered past. He saw them staring and waved.

'Why is he here?'

"No idea."

'So where are the others?'

"In there somewhere." The Narrator pointed at the building, then grabbed Zane's wrist and teleported back inside. They found Elure poking Rati awake, with a tray of food on the table.

"Come on, Rati," she muttered. "Wake up so we can find Juldir."

"Hi," the Narrator said.

"Hi, Juldir," Elure replied. "Wait, where were you?"

"Juldir found Zane sleeping outside, so Juldir brought him inside."

"Right."

'Why did you touch me like that?' Zane demanded.

'Like what?' the Narrator thought in response.

'With your palm! You're a-'

'Different species. People here have different customs. Try to adapt.'

'But still, it's-'

"Shut up, Zane," it sighed out loud.

"Left socks... orange juice..." Rati mumbled in his sleep.

"What does that mean?" the Narrator asked.

Elure shrugged, poking the gryphon again. "So how come Zane's here?" she asked.

"Apparently he was bullied into following by the prophet guy. He was told more prophecy, too. Something about 'them', whoever they are, stealing the Princess. And they'll torture her or something."

"Oh, no! They're going to make my cousin listen to elf poetry?"

"What?"

"Consider yourself lucky," was all Elure said in explanation.

"No, not elf poetry," the prophet said, walking in. "Worse."

"How the hell did you get in here?" the Narrator yelled.

"Gryphon poetry, then," Elure said with a sly grin, because Rati wasn't awake enough to protest.

The prophet smiled enigmatically and left.

'Well, that was weird,' Zane commented, saying what they all thought... with a thought.

Elure sighed and poked Rati again.

* * *

Later, after they'd (finally) woken Rati, the group gathered around the table for breakfast. It was a silent affair, with each of them not knowing what to talk about.

"Well, I have to go," Elure said when they were done. She stood up. "I have a party to go to."

"What party?" Rati asked.

"My birthday party. Idiot."

"Oh, happy birthday!"

"Uh, thanks. You and Juldir are invited, by the way. Dress code is formal."

'What about me?'

"Elure, Zane's feeling a bit left out."

"Sorry, but it's invitation only, and I only just managed to get these two in. It's just too late."

'That doesn't make it better.'

The Narrator sighed. "Zane is still complaining," it reported.

'Sometimes I hate needing a translator,' Zane sighed.

"Right. Well, see you at noon," Elure said, leaving.

* * *

"It would probably be a good idea to get ready for Elure's party," the Narrator noted a while later.

"It's a pity I don't have my fancy clothes," Rati sighed.

"Juldir can fix that." The Narrator concentrated and Rati was clothed in a deep blue tunic, with a sky blue cloth belt around his waist. And the collar was back.

"I hate this thing," Rati complained, pulling at the collar again.

"You think you'll survive long without it?"

"That doesn't make it any better."

The Narrator concentrated again and changed its clothes to a black suit and bowtie. "How does Juldir look?"

"Like a pompous bastard."

"Juldir was hoping for a comparison to James Bond. Oh well. Close enough. But it still needs something..." The Narrator created one last thing: a fedora. "Think this'll impress the elves?"

"Well, it certainly is fancy."

'It looks stupid.'

"Just 'cause you're jealous, Zane."

'Me? Jealous? You must be kidding.'

" _Right._ Of course you're not jealous. What was Juldir thinking?"

'Slander.'

"That's not nice, Zane."

"What's he saying?" Rati asked.

"Nothing important. Let's go to this party." It blinked. "Juldir's plot sense is tingling. Something will happen at this party."

"The totally-not-an-alien-invasion?"

"Shut up, Rati."

'What are the chances we're right?'

"Zane, they're very low. Tiny. Minuscule. Juldir now feels like it's trying to insult a certain red shrimp."

'You make fun of seafood?'

"Shut up, Zane."

'Why do you always tell people to shut up?'

The Narrator glared at the faceless man. "Juldir is going."

"We'll see you later," Rati said, following it.

* * *

Elure waited in the ballroom, watching the last few preparations. She was feeling so frickin' nervous. She hated crowds. Especially when they were all watching her.

There was a sudden flurry of activity near one of the doors as servants scurried to and fro. Elure groaned inwardly. Ruta was coming.

And, sure enough, the Princess swished into the room with her pink monstrosity of a dress a few seconds later. "Hi, Elure!" Ruta squealed. "It's so, like, awesome that you're forty now! You can totally get drunk now!"

"I'd rather stay sober," Elure muttered.

"But that's so totally _boring_! You should get out more and have some fun!"

Elure wondered if Ruta had ever heard of a 'forest', let alone been to one. That was 'getting out', right? Well, no harm in asking. "Ruta, have you ever been to the forest?" she asked.

"What's that?"

Just as she'd thought. "It's a collection of trees. There's lots of interesting wildlife there, too."

"Oh, I would never go into one of those! What if the trees attack me?"

'Stop eating the mushrooms,' Elure thought.

"You should forget about your silly 'forest' and come to a totally cool party I'm having tomorrow night!"

'Not likely.'

"We'll, like, have some salad, 'cause Daddy says plants are _bad_ and deserve to be eaten, and then we'll talk about who we think the best looking elf man is, and then we'll go out for a night on the town and get drunk and it'll be a _blast_!"

Elure resisted the urge to flip a nearby table at the Princess's words. It required all her willpower. She just imagined it instead. The heavy wooden table crashing to the floor... if only she could do it for real. Stupid no-violence rule.

More thoughts came into her mind, shocking the Narrator who could hear her every thought despite not being in the room. Thoughts she tried to force down. As much as she couldn't stand Ruta, it was lucky for both of them that Tygerrin had forbidden her from having her sword at formal events, ever since that incident a few years ago.

A movement near the door caught her eye. Two figures walked into the room, one and unrecognisable figure dressed mostly in black, the other... definitely Rati. His blue hair was unmistakable. Not to mention the wings.

"Ruta," she said, interrupting the Princess' spiel. "I have some friends you should meet. Come with me."

"You have friends?" Ruta exclaimed. "Oh my gosh!"

Elure clenched her teeth and tried to ignore it. She led her cousin towards the new arrivals.

"Hi, Elure," the Narrator said, coming towards them.

Rati stared at the ground, tail twitching.

"Juldir, Rati, I'd like you to meet my cousin Ruta. Ruta, this is Juldir and Ratiflaia."

"You never told me you knew someone so gorgeous, Elure!" Ruta squealed, staring at the Narrator.

The Narrator had to stare back. It had never seen a Princess so plain-looking (and that was being generous). Ruta's hair was a dull blonde, with a silver circlet resting in it, her make-up was applied unevenly, and the pink dress clashed with her skin tone. The whole effect made her look like a girl playing dress-up.

Rati, on the other hand, could only see Elure. The birthday girl had on an emerald green dress that set off the colour of her eyes. She had dark green slippers on as well, which surprised him. Her black hair had been brushed and straightened, and now came to halfway down her back. "You look amazing," he whispered and she blushed, then mentally cursed herself for doing so.

Rati's voice got Ruta's attention, and she turned. "Eek! A gryphon! There's a gryphon here!" she screamed, seeing his wings.

Rati's hindclaws slid out, tapping against the marble floor.

"He won't hurt you," Elure said to the Princess, who continued to scream.

"Get it away! Get it away!"

Elure sighed. That was just like Ruta. Not listening to a word anyone said unless it was to her advantage.

* * *

"Why isn't he attacking me?" Ruta asked a while later, once she'd been calmed down.

"See his collar?" the Narrator said. "It's a magic collar. It keeps him under Juldir's control."

"Don't be silly! There's no such thing as magic!" It was strange, but the last statement sounded almost... practised.

"That's what Juldir had to tell the elves in-" it quickly selected a name from Elure's mind "-Newton. They still believe in magic, can you believe it?"

Elure smiled. She'd known what the Narrator was doing instantly. And she could tell it was all, as the Narrator would put it, 'a load of faeces'. She'd done the same thing too many times to fall for it herself. Plus, she was pretty sure the collar was magic, in a way. She'd seen the Narrator make it disappear the night before, after all.

Strange things happened around the Narrator.

"It's really advanced technology, made right here in Bohr," the Narrator continued.

"Oh, wow!" Ruta exclaimed.

Rati sighed and spread his wings, flying up to a chandelier hanging from the ceiling. He needed to get away from everyone and think.

Back on the ground, Ruta was gazing adoringly at the Narrator. "Isn't he so amazing?" Ruta squeed, not noticing the Narrator's wince.

"Juldir's definitely that," Elure agreed carefully.

"Can Juldir speak to you a moment?" the Narrator asked Elure.

"Sure." They moved away, far enough that Ruta wouldn't be able to hear.

"Is it weird that Juldir wants to introduce her to the Bazooka?" the Narrator asked.

"Not at all," Elure replied, smiling. "I feel the same way. Except with my sword."

They returned to the Princess, who was speculation over the subject of the discussion.

"Did he ask you to marry him?" she squealed excitedly.

"No. Definitely not."

"Juldir does not like women that way," the Narrator added.

"So you prefer men?" Ruta pressed.

"Juldir does not like men that way either."

"Aw, you're no fun!" Ruta marched off in a huff.

"Phew, got rid of her," the Narrator muttered.

"So you're not interested in anyone?" Elure asked curiously.

"No-" The Narrator's head suddenly jerked back, like it had been hit over the head. It lost its balance and collapsed on the floor.

Elure spun around quickly. She knew that for once it wasn't her fault.

"Holy fleeping bleep!" the Narrator exclaimed from on the ground.

"What happened?"

"There's going to be a major plot event... _today_... and it'll happen right here..."

"During my party?"

"Probably."

"So what'll happen? Ruta will be kidnapped by aliens?"

"No. Definitely not. There is absolutely no bleeping reason aliens would invade here. You don't even have any cows! So an alien invasion is not gonna happen. Ever."

A ship of some sort crashed through the roof, right as the Narrator said the words, tearing a large hole in it. The ceiling, not the words. The impact dislodged Rati from his position on the chandelier, and he fell to the ground far below. It landed, and part of the outside slid back, revealing a group of pig-like things. They rushed out towards Princess Ruta, sneezing every few seconds. They grabbed her and ran back to their ship.

"Huh. I was right."

"I can't believe it," the Narrator muttered, dropping the third person. "The irony..."

"I told you so."

" _Why?! There are no cows on this planet!_ " the Narrator screamed.

"Calm down! It was only Ruta."

"Good riddance," Rati added from the floor near them. He picked himself up, checking his wings to make sure they were okay.

"My daughter! What happened to my daughter?!" Tygerrin shouted from the door of the ballroom. His gaze fell on the gryphon. "You did this!" he yelled, advancing on Rati. "You gryphon bastard did this! I don't know how, but I know it was you!"

"What?! I had nothing to do with it!"

"Don't try your gryphon tricks on me! Now tell me what you did with her!"

"Uncle, it wasn't Rati," Elure said, trying to calm him down. "Aliens invaded and stole Ruta."

"You even turned my niece against me?! You'll pay for this, gryphon!" He drew his sword.

"Your majesty, we will find your daughter and bring her back," Rati promised.

Tygerrin paused. "You'd better," he growled. "Otherwise you'll pay dearly."

* * *

Princess Ruta was bored. These pig-people worshipped her for the goddess she was, but they had no idea what make-up was. She needed a touch-up after these plebeians had sneezed on her perfect face.

"So who are you guys, anyway?" she asked.

"We are snuffleporgs," one of them answered. It sneezed. "We're hoping you can tell us how to cure our illness. As you can see, we are-" Another sneeze. "-unable to stop sneezing."

No response.

They stared at her.

"Oh, sorry! I was checking my nails! What did you say again?"

The snuffleporgs sweatdropped, despite not being anime characters. '...This is our saviour?' they wondered.

* * *

"So how are we going to do this?" Rati asked later at the war council in the room he and the Narrator had been given.

"Why bother?" the Narrator yawned. "She's not much of a loss."

"I promised her father we'd save her!"

'What's going on?' Zane asked.

"Princess Ruta was taken by aliens - which Juldir still thinks is ridiculous - and moron here promised to rescue her."

"I am not a moron!" Rati yelled, slamming his fist on the table.

"Calm down, you guys," Elure screamed over the argument that was beginning. They stopped, staring at her. The sword may have had something to do with that. "As much as I hate to say it, we should try to save her. Rati did promise."

"Bleep," the Narrator muttered. "Juldir just realised. This is probably the narrative Juldir was sent here for." It sighed. "Juldir will help."

'I've always wanted to save a Princess,' Zane said.

"Zane volunteers as well."

"So we're all decided?"

"Hells yeah," Rati exclaimed.

Zane nodded enthusiastically.

"Unfortunately, yes," the Narrator muttered.

* * *

They set out the next day, wearing normal clothes again. Formal clothing is not suitable for an adventure. The Narrator was leading the way with its find-person Standard Narrator Superpower.

"It's about time you got rid of that collar," Rati muttered.

"Yeah, well, it would have been cruel to leave it on."

"Especially since we're going to save a Princess. Can't look like a slave when rescuing a Princess."

"Why did you have to promise to save her?" it groaned.

"Aren't Princesses supposed to be rescued?" Rati countered.

"Why can't they rescue themselves for a change?"

"A Princess is supposed to be-"

"Stupid, boring and pretty," Elure interrupted. "And Ruta only fits two of those."

'Is she smart?'

"Zane wants to know if she's smart."

"No, she's not smart," Elure answered. "She's ugly. She looks like a pig."

"See? Told you," Rati smirked.

"Shut up."

'That's strange, 'cause everyone thinks she's really beautiful.'

The Narrator relayed this to the others.

"That explains a lot," Rati said. "So she's magic?"

"No, elves aren't-"

"Probably," the Narrator interjected. "Sounds like glamour. But why would she have glamour? Where would she have got it?"

"Wait a sec," Rati said. "If everyone thinks she's beautiful, how come Elure can see through it? And how come, when I met her, she was arguing that Ruta was beautiful?"

"Uncle said I had to say she was beautiful."

"That's just a load of bovine faeces," the Narrator stated.

"What's a 'bovine'?" Elure asked, feeling like she was missing something.

"Oh, right," the Narrator sighed, remembering. "You don't have cows on this planet. Which means that there is _absolutely no reason why aliens would have invaded!_ "

"Why did they, then?" Rati pressed.

"Juldir has no fleeping idea! Reality was Wrong Genre Savvy or something! Just _drop the subject_ , will you?!"

"Is it possible that it was _you_ , the great Narrator, who was Wrong Genre Savvy?" Rati asked.

The Narrator turned slowly and Death Glared the gryphon. "You have no idea how much I want to kill you right now," it snarled in a low voice, body shaking with rage as years of resentment poured out of it, much of it not even about them at all. " _No. Fucking. Idea. At. All._ You don't even _care_ , do you? But it's bad form to kill off your characters. That's all that's keeping you alive right now. So I'm leaving. Go save your damn Princess yourself. I've had it with you. All of you. You're just a bunch of total and utter _bastards_ who treat me like a _doormat_ and I hate you all so much it hurts just to _think_ about it. Did you think I couldn't feel emotions? You were wrong. And if I _ever_ see you again, your deaths will be as horrific and painful as I can make them. I will make you feel my pain. You'll scream for mercy, but any I had is long gone. You'll _beg_ for death, beg on the mutilated lumps that used to be your legs, and even that... even _that_ won't be granted. Next time I see you, you will know _exactly_ how much I hate you. Goodbye. I look forward to seeing you again." It smiled mirthlessly and disappeared.

A shocked silence spread over the group.

"Holy crap," Rati breathed.

"Nice going, moron," Elure muttered.

* * *

The Narrator stalked around a mountaintop, blood boiling. A leopard jumped at it, thinking it was lucky to have such an easy meal. Within three seconds the cat was a bloody, dismembered corpse lying on the ground, just like all the others the Narrator had encountered that day. There was a single housecat in there as well. _That_ one again.

The Narrator stood over its victims, panting slightly from the exertion. There wasn't a single scratch on its body. "You shouldn't have messed with the Narrator," it growled. Then it just turned and stomped away.

* * *

"What the hell just happened?" Rati asked.

"You said one thing too many. Moron. Juldir even warned you, but you didn't notice. You just kept trying to prove a point. _Moron_."

"It's not my fault-"

"Yes it is," Elure said. "Juldir's really pissed of at all of us now, and you're to blame. No, stop," she commanded as Rati opened his mouth to reply. "Don't say a word. I don't want to hear another sound out of you. If you do, I swear I'll rip those wings off."

"But-"

Elure punched him in the face. "That was a warning," she stated as blood leaked out of his nose. He stared at her, shocked. "Next time, say goodbye to those pretty wings of yours, you heartless bastard."

Rati's mouth opened and closed several times, making him look like a goldfish. A goldfish with a broken nose. He blinked as the pain reached his brain. Then he passed out, falling to the ground.

Elure sighed. "Moron." She kicked him viciously in the side, before walking over to the forest's edge. She sat down in the shade beneath a tree, leaving Rati's unconscious form exposed.

Zane looked at her questioningly.

"He deserved it," she explained.

* * *

Meanwhile, on the snuffleporgs' ship, Ruta was not happy. These plebs had questioned her about some sort of cure for some illness. Why were they asking her? She was a Princess, not a pharmacist!

And they were all staring at her! Didn't they know that would wear out her face?

In addition to the snuffleporgs, there was one other being gazing at Ruta: A goblin in a frilly pink dress.

Yes, _that_ one.

He'd tried leaving the planet with his PlanetHopper™ MkIII, and ended up here. It _was_ a different planet, kinda, in the sense that he wasn't on the _same_ planet.

And now he was in love.

* * *

The Narrator found a cave further down the mountain that seemed like a good place to stay. But first, there was the slight problem of the current inhabitants: a family of dragons.

"There are two ways you can do this," it said in the dragons' language, striding into the cave. "Either you leave the Narrator alone, or you die. Which will it be?"

The adult dragons backed away, not wishing to deal with someone as potentially dangerous to their offspring as the Narrator appeared to be. Four of their whelps hid behind their parents.

"Good choice."

A fifth whelp, a deep green dragon the size of a cat, toddled over to the Narrator on unsteady legs.

"What a brave little thing you are," the Narrator murmured, bending down.

The dragon whelp licked the Narrator's cheek. He liked the taste of the leopard blood he found there and licked the Narrator again.

The Narrator smiled and stroked the dragon's head, scratching behind an ear.

The whelp's parents watched the Narrator carefully, wary of this stranger. The whelp had no such inhibitions, and climbed up onto the Narrator's shoulder.

"Be careful, Arunerrhu," one of the dragons cautioned.

"It likes me!" Arunerrhu objected as the Narrator scratched him behind the ear again.

"And how long will that last?"

The Narrator looked up. "The Narrator will not hurt your children without reason," it promised.

"I'll hold you to that," the smaller adult, the female, said.

Arunerrhu bit the Narrator on the ear.

"The Narrator has been attacked today by a group of starving leopards and survived," it said to the whelp. "And you just hurt it more than all of them put together."

"It was only a light nip!" Arunerrhu protested.

The Narrator smiled. "Exactly."

The adult dragons blinked, realising that what they had taken to be a mostly ineffectual threat they would have ignored if not for the whelps was not a threat. It had been a statement of fact.

They bowed their heads.

"I am Jakka," the larger one said.

"And I am Denoral. You may stay with us as long as you like."

"The Narrator is honoured."

"But what is your name?" Jakka asked. "Who are you?"

"...The Narrator."

"That's a hard name. I'll call you Ryhuul!" Arunerrhu declared.

"That means 'teller of tales' in our language," Denoral explained.

"The Narrator knows this," it said, bowing its head.

"It is similar to your own name, is it not?" Denoral continued.

"We hope you find it suitable," Jakka added.

"It is a good name. It suits the Narrator perfectly. The Narrator would be proud to use it."

* * *

Rati groaned and tried to open his eyes, but they felt like they were glued shut. His skin was roasting. Something was digging into his side. His nose hurt.

Oh yeah, Elure had punched him. Unpleasant words crossed his mind.

He pushed himself up slowly, wiping away the gunk holding his eyes closed. He blinked, taking in the scene around him. He was lying in the middle of the road, baking in the sun, while the others watched him from beneath a tree. He opened his mouth to speak, then remembered what Elure had said just after she punched him. He was _not_ going to give up his wings. He pushed himself up onto his hands, and found a ruby under one of them. So that was what had been digging in to him before. His hand closed around it.

He saw Elure get up.

The elf strode over, standing over him. "Anything to say, gryphon-boy?" she asked.

He shook his head quickly.

"Good boy. You get to keep your wings for now. Well, now that you're awake, moron, let's go."

She strode off along the path, joined by Zane.

Rati got up, his side protesting, and slipped the ruby into his belt pouch. He scrambled after them, muttering curses under his breath. This was going to be fun. Not.

"You say something, moron?"

He sighed quietly, shaking his head.

* * *

The novelty factor had worn off for the snuffleporgs. This girl showed no sign of even caring about them, let alone wanting to help them. So they left her alone. Her constant demands helped with this, too.

Honestly, they just wanted to get rid of her.

* * *

Tygerrin was fuming. His daughter had been kidnapped by aliens, which didn't make any sense, and he'd let a _gryphon_ go off to rescue her. In all the stories that dealt with this sort of situation, the Hero and the Princess always fell in love. He was _not_ going to have a gryphon in the family. It just was not going to happen. He'd kill the gryphon if he had to.

He wished, not for the first time, that Elure had been his daughter. She was smart, _naturally_ beautiful, and she wouldn't need a hero to rescue her. The only downside was that she was too stubborn. He sighed. He should have locked her in a tower when she was 20.

But now she'd run off, with a _gryphon_ , of all things.

It was a good thing he hadn't told her the family secret. About what her mother had passed on. That would have made keeping her in check far too complicated.

The tower would have been perfect. Oh, well. It was too late now.

* * *

Seeing that there was no one around, the goblin crept out from his hiding place towards the Princess. Not that he knew she was royalty, but he did know she was beautiful... by goblin standards.

She glanced his way and he bowed low.

"My lady, may I have the pleasure of knowing your name?" he requested.

"My name is Princess Ruta," she answered, wondering if he was real. "Who are you?"

"I am Discombobulate, but you can call me Bob," he replied. A Princess? If he saved her, he could be a hero! And everyone knew that the reward for saving a Princess is the Princess' eternal love.

"Why are you wearing a dress?" she wondered.

"I just feel comfortable in it."

A snuffleporg looked over, saw the goblin, shrugged and thought nothing of it. The Princess could do whatever she wanted.

* * *

"We're going out hunting," Arunerrhu's parents said, spreading their wings. "Take care of the little ones for us, will you?"

"Sure thing," the Narrator replied.

The dragons nodded, flying out through the large opening in the ceiling of the cave.

The Narrator turned to the little ones. "So who wants to hear a story?"

"Me! Me!" all five whelps squeaked as they scrambled to find a place in front of the Narrator.

"Alright. Once upon a time-" It mentally chastised itself for using such a clichÃ©d line. Not that they'd know that. "-there was a... what should the hero be?"

"A dragon!" one of them shouted.

"What's your name?"

"Sveitnir," the stone-grey dragon replied.

"Well, Sveitnir, there was a dragon-"

"Can he be blue?" another dragon asked.

"Why not? And you are..."

"Venlor."

"Okay. Once upon a time there was a great azure dragon-"

"What's 'azure'?" Sveitnir asked.

"A form of blue. Now, what should we name this dragon?"

"Denoral, just like Mummy!" a smaller turquoise dragon suggested.

"No, Papillon, his name should be Jakka, like Daddy!" Venlor objected.

"How about Rati, like me?" a purple dragon countered.

The Narrator's fists clenched reflexively. It closed its eyes and breathed deeply, trying to quell its rage.

"No, not Rati," it muttered angrily. "The Narrator _hates_ that gryphon." It paused, eyes flicking open. "You're name's Rati?" it asked the purple dragon, who had tears running down her face.

"Belarati," she said quietly. "Sorry for upsetting you."

"You weren't to know," the Narrator said kindly. "Can Ryhuul just call you Bel? It's just... that name..."

Belarati nodded.

"It's alright, Ryhuul," Arunerrhu said, nuzzling against the Narrator.

The Narrator relaxed. "How about we call this dragon Arunerrhu?" it asked.

"That's a brilliant idea!" Arunerrhu exclaimed. The other dragons agreed.

"Right. Once upon a time, there was a great azure dragon. His name was Arunerrhu. He was the greatest dragon that had ever lived. One day, a..."

"Gryphon," Bel volunteered. The Narrator grinned evilly.

"Yes, that'll work. One day, a gryphon came to Arunerrhu and challenged him to a duel to the death. Arunerrhu agreed and they agreed to meet a week later outside the gryphon's castle. They each spent this week differently.

"The gryphon commissioned the strongest armour ever made, and sent for a bow from the elves, who were known for their archery skills, and he spent day and night forging a new sword.

"Arunerrhu, on the other hand, practised his fighting skills. He was eventually able to breathe flame for an hour straight, and could confine it to a small area of his choice. His flame was so hot it could melt steel. He practised avoiding arrows until only one in a hundred had a chance to hit him. He raced through the mountains every day, making himself faster.

"Finally, the day of the duel was upon them. They faced each other across the field, all of the townspeople watching from a distance. Slowly, Arunerrhu used his great wings to raise himself above the gryphon. The gryphon chose an arrow, firing it at Arunerrhu. However, his aim was so poor that Arunerrhu dodged it easily. Arunerrhu spat a small fireball towards the gryphon. It hit less than a metre away from the gryphon's feet.

"'That was a warning shot,' Arunerrhu said, landing.

"The gryphon cast his bow aside as he knew it would not help him. He knew Arunerrhu had better aim and would defeat him easily in a ranged contest. He drew his sword and ran at Arunerrhu. His armour, being the strongest in the land, was also the heaviest in the land, and Arunerrhu was able to easily avoid the slow-moving warrior.

"Arunerrhu then took off again, saying 'Let us fight on our own terms. Give these peasants something to remember.'

"The gryphon spread his wings, but could not leave the ground. 'I cannot,' he said. 'My armour is too heavy.'

"'Cast it aside,' Arunerrhu ordered. But the gryphon was reluctant to part with his armour, which he had spent so much on. He threw his sword at Arunerrhu. It flew straight and true.

"Arunerrhu merely breathed his flame at it. The sword was unable to withstand the great heat, and melted. The gryphon sank to his knees, knowing he had no hope left.

"'You relied on your equipment more than yourself,' Arunerrhu said to the gryphon. 'That is why you failed.'

"The gryphon bowed. 'You have taught me much today,' he said. 'You are truly the greatest warrior that has ever lived.'

"'Sadly,' Arunerrhu continued, 'our duel is not over. For did you not challenge me to a fight to the death?'

"'I did,' the gryphon answered. 'Please, kill me swiftly, for I do not wish to die in agony.'

"Arunerrhu lowered his head, acknowledging the gryphon's request. He reached down and swiftly snapped the gryphon's neck. Then he flew back to his home.

"When the villagers inspected the gryphon's body, he had a small smile on his face. His death had been painless, just like he'd requested.

"From then on, stories spread far and wide about the great Arunerrhu. He became known as Arunerrhu the Wise, and people came from all over the world to seek his advice. The End."

"That was a great story, Ryhuul," the real Arunerrhu yawned, curling up around the Narrator's neck. The other four had already fallen asleep.

The Narrator smiled. It hadn't felt this happy in years.

* * *

When the adult dragons returned with their kills, they found the Narrator standing by the entrance, Rati's sword in hand, guarding their sleeping offspring. A bear had already tried attacking. They could see its corpse hanging from the wall.

"You did well," Jakka said, remembering that humans had poor night vision.

"And you got the babies to sleep," Denoral said, pleased.

"Ryhuul told them a story."

"We are in your debt," Denoral continued. "They never fall asleep this early."

"Ryhuul was just keeping them entertained."

"You did well. You must have had a lot of practice at telling stories."

"Telling, yes. Making up, not really. Ryhuul just tells the Reader what has happened. Plot seems to be left to someone else."

"Oh? Who?"

"Ryhuul doesn't know."

"Would you like to eat with us?" Jakka offered, changing the subject.

"Ryhuul would be honoured."

"I understand your kind cooks their meat first, though," the dragon continued.

"That is correct."

Jakka ripped a chunk of meat off his kill, a large nanny goat, roasting it with his flame. When it was cooked, he handed it to the Narrator.

"Thank you."

The meal was a quiet one, as both dragons were intent on their food and the Narrator didn't want to interrupt them.

Afterwards, the Narrator excused itself so it could get some sleep. It heard the other two discussing who would stay awake to keep them safe.

Soon afterwards, Denoral joined the Narrator. She curled around her whelps, who shifted closer to her warmth. She looked at the Narrator. "Join me," she said. "There's room."

The Narrator smiled and found a space devoid of small dragon. It was so exhausted from the day's exertions that it fell asleep almost immediately. Just before it gave in to sleep, though, it heard a voice in his ear.

"Welcome to the family," Denoral whispered.

* * *

The rest of the protagonists had stopped for the night, too. Rati had found a stream and was washing the dried blood off his face. This revealed that his nose was definitely broken. It moved where it shouldn't, and sent bolts of pain stabbing through Rati's brain when he touched it.

Elure and Zane were setting up bivouacs in the clearing they'd found, while a fire burned nearby. "Do you think we should make one for him?" Elure asked.

Zane shook his head. He made a few gestures along the lines of 'It's his fault we don't have tents. Or food. Or anything else.'

Just then, Rati returned from the stream, his nose bruised and puffy. He knelt down and crawled inside one of the bivouacs.

"Oh no you don't," Elure muttered. She reached inside after him and grabbed his injured nose. He whimpered as she pulled him out, tears running down his cheeks. "You're staying outside, moron," Elure said. "Do you understand?" He whimpered again. "I said, _do you understand?_ " she growled, twisting his nose. He nodded, anything to make the pain stop. "Good boy." She released his nose.

He collapsed on the ground, sobbing quietly. Why did she do this to him? He didn't deserve it. It wasn't his fault. She was heartless, that's what she was. He cursed her under his breath, using every swear word he knew, and making up some more.

Zane sighed. Elure had obviously figured out a way to deal with Rati. Unfortunately for the gryphon, it was to make his life a living hell.

* * *

Ruta had found that she liked Bob, partly because he was a stunning conversationalist, but mostly because he adored her. This was good because none of the snuffleporgs wanted anything to do with either of them.

Bob yawned.

Then Ruta yawned.

Then Bob yawned again.

"It's getting a bit late," Ruta noted. "I should get to bed. I need my beauty sleep."

"See you in the morning, Princess."

* * *

Elure wondered where the Narrator had gone. She hoped it was alright. There were a lot of dangerous creatures out there. And she would know, she'd been chased by probably at least half of them while out hunting, though not all at the same time.

If she'd known that the Narrator was now the most dangerous creature on Schrodinger, she'd have been worried for a different reason. Most dangerous thing on the planet, and it specifically wanted to kill _them_.

"Do you think Juldir'll be alright?" she asked Zane.

Zane nodded emphatically. 'If you knew as much about Juldir as I do, you'd be more worried about everything else,' he thought.

And what he didn't realise was that if the Narrator knew he knew as much about it as he did, he should hope like hell that the Narrator found something more dangerous than itself. The Narrator doesn't like anyone knowing its secrets. And (like many other things), knowing that sort of thing is one of the Narrator's murder-worthy offences.

In other words, the Narrator found it to be a good reason to kill someone.

* * *

In the morning, the Narrator was woken by a wet nose pressing against its neck. It opened its eyes, coming face to face with a dragon. "Good morning, Arunerrhu," it mumbled, its dream lingering in its mind.

"You... you were talking," Arunerrhu whispered.

"Bleep," the Narrator muttered.

"And it was scaring me..."

"Oh, bleep... sorry Arunerrhu... bleep." It rested its head in its hands. "What was Ryhuul saying?" it asked. It actually had a pretty good idea of what it had said, but... how much had the dragon heard?

"I couldn't understand it," Arunerrhu admitted.

The Narrator breathed a small sigh of relief.

"Don't worry about it, then," it said. 'That's Ryhuul's job,' its thoughts finished.

"Okay," Arunerrhu agreed, running into the other room.

The emptiness of the Narrator's dream hovered at the forefront of its thoughts. It shuddered. Putting that out of its mind as best it could, it stretched, looking around.

The cave looked different in the morning. Somehow more beautiful. The sun was at the right angle to shine in through the overhead entrance lighting up precious gems set in the wall.

The Narrator had never seen anything like it. Bohr had come close, but this... this was beyond imagination. The light was refracted in different ways by every gem, creating a random pattern of light all around. "Holy fleeping bleep," the Narrator breathed, dream thankfully forgotten. It spun around. "This is just... perfect..." It blinked back tears. "The Narrator has never seen anything like it..."

"When you're finished, it's breakfast time," Jakka said from the entrance. His voice broke the Narrator's trance.

It smiled. "Ryhuul's coming."

* * *

Breakfast was a more energetic affair than dinner. The whelps fought playfully with each other as their parents, and now the Narrator as well, looked on fondly. Their wings weren't fully developed yet, and they didn't have flame breath, but they attempted both of these, usually managing to hover for a second or glide down from a rock or cough up a bit of smoke. Jakka soon left to catch up on sleep, leaving Denoral and the Narrator to look after the whelps.

Denoral watched her children intently, giving out advice every now and then.

The Narrator leaned against the wall of the cave, watching, learning, and wishing it could turn into a dragon. "Stupid Board," it muttered.

* * *

The next few days passed uneventfully for everyone involved. The Narrator (eventually) managed a day without murderous intent. Rati, Elure, and Zane kept travelling, not knowing where they were going. Ruta and Bob got to know each other better.

And then, everything changed.

The Narrator was looking after the whelps again while Jakka and Denoral were hunting. "Why aren't they back yet?" it muttered. It had sent the whelps to bed a couple of hours ago, and it was getting worried. They should have been back by now. It waited, watching over the whelps until its eyes couldn't stay open any longer.

* * *

It was woken the next morning by the whelps screeching. Its eyes snapped open. It took a quick glance around and saw an elf man escaping through the entrance, holding a cage.

"Ryhuul!" Arunerrhu cried from inside the metal bars.

The Narrator swore. It had finally found happiness, and now this happened. "You are not getting my dragons," it growled, dropping the third person. It ran outside, chasing the elf who had dared to take Arunerrhu.

It wasn't just one elf. There was a whole group of them with a hot air balloon.

"You are not taking my dragons away! You hear me?!" it yelled, sprinting towards them. The last elf looked up, saw the Narrator, and quickly jumped in the balloon as another hacked at a rope with his sword.

A strong wind carries the balloon away. The Narrator just kept running.

"Ryhuul! You're flying!" Arunerrhu squealed. The Narrator glanced at its feet and found that it wasn't running on anything.

"So the Narrator can still levitate," it murmured. It glanced up again, smirking. "Let's do this." Then, without warning, it stopped.

The elves stared. Surely anyone who could run _on thin air_ would keep going as long as they could...

The Narrator disappeared.

"Surprise," it said, appearing behind them. It slashed at the lock on a cage on with Rati's sword. "Find a pocket," it ordered the whelp. It nodded and climbed onto the Narrator's clothes.

One of the elves swiped his sword at the Narrator.

"Over here," the Narrator grinned from another corner as two more whelps climbed into its pockets.

Another elf charged at it, once again attacking thin air.

"Missed me." Another dragon rescued.

The elf still holding Arunerrhu's cage looked at the Narrator, then at the dragon. He panicked, throwing the cage over the side.

"Damn," the Narrator muttered. It teleported down and caught the cage in both hands. "You're safe," it told the dragon. It ripped the lock off, and Arunerrhu climbed out and onto the Narrator's shoulder. The Narrator teleported back to the balloon. "You thought that would work?" it asked. It hacked at the rope holding the basket to the balloon section. "Wrong!"

One of the elves cursed the Narrator as the basket fell.

"That's not very nice," the Narrator chastised, catching the basket. "Before you do anything else stupid, I'm feeling really annoyed right now. Idiocy won't get you anywhere other than straight down. Now, I want you to throw all your weapons overboard. Wait, not you. I like your sword. Give it here." The elf glared at the Narrator as he handed over the blade. "Now, why would you try to take these dragons?" it asked, faux sweetly.

"His Majesty wants to test his hounds against them," one of them replied.

"This wouldn't be Tygerrin, would it?"

"That's King Tygerrin CXXXIV to you."

"Oh, really? Ryhuul thinks it just lost any and all respect for him."

"That's treason!"

"Ryhuul don't think so. He's not Ryhuul's king and has never been Ryhuul's king."

"Why do you care so much about these dragons? You're not one of 'em."

"They're Ryhuul's family. You're gonna be in so much trouble when their parents find out."

"They can't do anything," one of the elves muttered.

"What was that?" the Narrator growled.

"They can't do anything. We killed 'em."

"You bastards. I'm going to kill you for this. Slowly and painfully."

"You? Kill us?" the elf laughed.

"Yes." The Narrator smiled mirthlessly. It let go of the basket with one hand and picked up the elf by the neck, before slamming him against the edge of the basket.

There was a loud snap.

The Narrator threw the broken body of the elf back in the basket. "I just broke his spine," the Narrator said quietly. "Believe me now?"

The elves gulped.

The Narrator teleported to a crevasse in the mountain it had lived on.

"There is no escape," it murmured, dropping the basket. It landed with a soft thud. "When I leave here, you will all be dead."

The elves looked around. The floor was relatively flat, and the walls were vertical, with no handholds for about a hundred metres. There was a stalagmite placed approximately in the centre of the cavern.

They could also see the Narrator. There was no humour in its grin. Just murder in its eyes.

* * *

Remember the cat? It was enjoying a while of not being killed (or whatever it was that happened to it), when a sword fell on it blade-first.

By the way, its name is not any variation of 'Agrajag'. Honest.

* * *

There wasn't a living elf left in the crevasse. At least, not one that would class as 'living' in a few hours time.

The whelps crept out of the Narrator's bottomless pockets.

"Wow," Arunerrhu breathed.

"That was horrible!" Papillon cried. "I could hear them screaming! Did you have to be so rough, Ryhuul?"

"Yes. The last few days were the first time Ryhuul has _ever_ been happy, and they ruined it. Those bastards ruined it and they deserved to die." It curled over, tears gathering in its eyes. "It's not fair. It's just not bleeping fair."

Arunerrhu climbed onto the Narrator and licked its face.

"You're all I have left," the Narrator wept. It slammed its fist into the ground. "They took everything away from me. I hate them so much. I _hate_ them, I bleeping _hate_ them! They _deserved_ to die."

The other dragons pressed up against the Narrator, their warmth comforting it.

"Thanks," it muttered, wiping its eyes. "I don't know what I'd do if I had lost you lot too. I can't imagine not having you there..." Its tears dripped on the ground.

"When you're finished, there's a plot that needs your attention," the prophet said.

"How the bleep did you get here?" the Narrator yelled, standing up.

"I'm a prophet."

"How does that have anything to do with appearing unexpectedly?"

"How does being a Narrator have anything to do with appearing unexpectedly?" the prophet countered. "Now go and save the Princess."

"No."

"No? You have no choice."

"Who says?"

"Put it this way: do you want to stay a Narrator?"

"Of course."

"Then go save the Princess."

The Narrator glared at the prophet, who merely waved and disappeared.

"Bleeping prophet," the Narrator muttered. It sighed, storing the shovel in its version of HammerSpace. "Come on, let's go save a Princess."

* * *

The Narrator appeared on the path in front of the other protagonists.

Elure blinked, not certain if it was real. Something shifted and she saw a dragon curled around its neck.

"Hello," it said.

"Juldir! You're back!" Elure exclaimed, running up to the Narrator.

"Do. Not. Use. That. Name."

She shrank back, afraid of this new, serious Narrator.

"It is now Ryhuul," the Narrator continued. "Juldir is gone."

"Ryhuul," Elure murmured. "It's a nice name."

A slight smile appeared on the Narrator's face.

"When you left, you said you'd kill us... So why aren't you attacking us?" the elf asked.

"Whether Ryhuul likes it or not, you're still Ryhuul's characters. And there's still a story to finish. But when it's over, Rati is going to die."

"Just Rati?"

"You're not worth killing. It wasn't your fault. Not really."

It turned to the gryphon, glaring. Then it blinked.

"Elure?" it asked. "Why does the gryphon have a broken nose?"

'I have a name!' Rati's mind raged.

"I punched him," she admitted. "And threatened to rip his wings off if he spoke."

"Nice work."

'Fancy seeing you here,' Zane thought, walking up.

"Shut up, Zane."

"So, uh, what happened to you? If you don't mind me asking..." Elure asked.

'Why do you even care about that bastard?!' Rati thought angrily.

"No one wants your opinion, gryphon," the Narrator snarled at him. It sighed. "Ryhuul is now the sole guardian of these whelps," it said. "Ryhuul would rather not go into details."

"That's understandable," Elure murmured, laying a hand on its arm. She smiled. "Care to introduce me?"

"Of course." It started speaking in a strange hissing language, and four more dragons peeked out from its clothes.

"Peeps, meet Elure," the Narrator said in dragon language. "Elure, meet Arunerrhu, Sveitnir, Venlor, Papillon and Bel." It pointed to each as it said their names. The smallest, a turquoise dragon the Narrator had identified as Papillon, stretched her head out and sniffed at Elure.

"Elure smells nice!" the dragon proclaimed.

"Papillon likes you," the Narrator said.

"I'm honoured, I think. May I hold it?"

"Her," the Narrator corrected. "Go ahead."

'What's so good about dragons? They're just overgrown lizards, and it's a pity they haven't all been killed off yet,' Rati thought, jealous.

"Please excuse Ryhuul for a minute," the Narrator apologised politely. It strode over to Rati, standing in front of the gryphon. "Do not even _think_ about harming Ryhuul's family or _nothing_ will save you," it growled. "Is that clear?"

'When did Juldir become such a bastard?' Rati wondered.

The Narrator grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him towards it. "When it was finally sick of Rati being such a bastard," it hissed. "Does that answer your question?" It dropped the gryphon and turned its back.

Rati struggled to his feet, reaching for his sword. It wasn't there.

"Looking for this?" the Narrator asked, not turning around. It held Rati's sword above its head.

Rati clenched his fists and ran at the Narrator.

The Narrator waited, and then spun at the last second, using the momentum to drive its fist into the gryphon's injured nose.

Rati screamed in pain, collapsing on the ground.

"Never attack a mind reader," the Narrator rebuked. "They're always expecting it." With that, it returned to Elure. "Sorry about that."

"It was interesting to watch," she replied.

'Don't you think you went a bit overboard?' Zane sighed.

"Ryhuul was teaching him a lesson."

'A pretty brutal one.'

"Ryhuul wanted to make sure he learned it."

'But still, you went a bit far.'

"Shut up, Zane."

* * *

Later that night, they stopped for the night. The Narrator created four tents while Elure got the fire going despite Papillon's attempts to help.

Zane was attempting to entertain the other whelps, and failing miserably.

Rati was sitting by himself at the edge of their camp, sulking.

"Ryhuul? Would you mind catching dinner?" Elure asked.

The Narrator nodded. "Arunerrhu, Sveitnir, Venlor, Bel, come here!" it called.

The dragons abandoned Zane and climbed up on the Narrator's clothes.

"Don't you want to take Papillon too?"

"She doesn't like violence," the Narrator said quietly.

"Oh..."

"So, uh... back soon," the Narrator muttered, backing away.

"See you." She waved.

The Narrator fled into the forest.

* * *

The Narrator crept through the forest, as quiet as a ninja cow.

Leaves crunched somewhere ahead of it. It levitated, flying slowly towards the sound. It found a deer with its throat almost ripped out, barely alive, barely breathing. It reached out and delivered a sharp blow to the deer's neck, putting it out of its misery.

The dragons moved out of the way as the Narrator picked up the animal and threw it over its shoulder, then started walking back the way it came.

"I see a rabbit!" Sveitnir cried.

"Go for it," the Narrator said, smiling. The dragons all scrambled down, running after the lagomorph.

It saw a mushroom at its feet. It picked the fungus, putting it in one of its bottomless pockets, thinking of eating it later. It kept track of the whelps using its Standard Narrator Superpowers, making sure they didn't get so lost they couldn't be found again. So it was watching (in the broadest sense of the word) when Sveitnir and Arunerrhu worked together to take down the rabbit, with Bel not too far behind. It teleported to them as Venlor crashed through the undergrowth. "Well done," the Narrator said. The dragons jumped around happily. "Let's head back." The dragons climbed back on, clinging to clothing or holding on to the deer carcass, as the Narrator picked up the dead rabbit. "Everyone on?"

There was a murmur of agreement.

The Narrator teleported back to the camp.

"Nice find," Elure complimented when they returned.

"And the babies caught this," the Narrator said, holding out the rabbit.

"They did well."

"Ryhuul is proud of them."

"As you should be."

The Narrator laid the deer carcass down next to the fire and sat on a nearby rock. It held the rabbit in front of it. "Ryhuul knows it belongs to Sveitnir and Arunerrhu, but it thinks it would be good for you all to share it. It shows that you can help provide for the rest of the family. Is that okay with you?"

The two dragons nodded.

The Narrator smiled and laid the rabbit on the ground.

The dragons moved towards it, even Papillon, and they ate the meat quietly, with as little mess or wastage as possible. When they'd finished, the Narrator took the remains and buried them at the edge of the forest. It returned to its seat, and the whelps crawled onto its lap.

"They care about you," Elure noted, sitting down beside the Narrator. She reached out, scratching the nearest dragon under the chin.

"Ryhuul knows. And Ryhuul would do anything for them."

"That's so sweet."

"Ryhuul promised their parents it would look after them."

'Why are you talking? We're hungry over here!' Zane called.

"Cook the damn food yourself!" the Narrator yelled back. "It's not Elure's job!"

'It's the only thing she's good for,' Rati thought sullenly.

"You're cooking now, gryphon."

"Sometimes I feel like I'm being left out," Elure muttered.

"You're not missing much. Just Rati's whinging and Zane's complaining."

"When you put it that way, I have got the better deal, haven't I?"

The Narrator chuckled. "Definitely." It turned. "Hey, gryphon!"

'I have a frickin' _name_ , bastard.'

"You like your tail, don't you?"

'Yeah, why?'

"'Cause if you don't start cooking right now you're gonna lose it."

'I hate you.'

"Good for you. Now get to it!"

* * *

After much complaining from Rati, none of which was vocalised due to him not wanting to lose his wings, the food was finally ready: Roast deer and goat cheese.

The meal was a quiet affair, with the protagonists not interested in conversation. Well, except the Narrator, who was bragging about the dragons' catch.

The dragon whelps themselves had fallen asleep at the Narrator's feet.

'Anyone would think they were your own children, the way you talk about them,' Zane muttered.

"They pretty much are, Zane," the Narrator replied. "They don't have anyone else."

'You don't _have_ to take care of them, though. I don't see why you bother.'

The Narrator stood up and grabbed the front of Zane's shirt, lifting him up in the air. "Don't you _ever_ say _anything_ like that ever again," it growled. "Ryhuul _chose_ to look after them. Ryhuul will _not_ leave them to die. Understand?"

Zane nodded frantically.

"Good." It dropped the man, who fell to the ground.

'You've changed...' Zane gasped. Well, as close as he could manage.

'Ryhuul had to change. Ryhuul had to become stronger. Otherwise Ryhuul wouldn't be here at all.'

'You seem sadder.'

The Narrator exhaled, sitting down again. 'It's that noticeable?'

Zane nodded. 'Something happened, didn't it?' he asked.

The Narrator clenched its fists. 'Ryhuul doesn't want to talk about it.'

'It's to do with the dragons...?"

"Ryhuul does not want to talk about it." It stood up, striding away quickly.

Elure ran after it.

* * *

'Why the hell does she care about that bastard?' Rati thought. He went to kick Venlor.

Zane blocked the attack. He knew the Narrator would be really upset if the whelps were hurt, even if he didn't know why.

'Get out of my way, moron,' Rati sneered. He brought his fist around.

Zane dodged and sent a punch into Rati's stomach.

The gryphon grunted and fell to one knee. 'You're not beating me that easily,' Rati muttered just before Zane brought his knee up to smash into the gryphon's broken nose. 'You bastard,' Rati spat, trying to stop the bleeding.

'If I knew you'd hear me, I'd tell you that this is a bad idea.'

'It's a bad idea to stand in my way,' Rati growled.

'Who's getting pummelled here? You.'

'You're gonna pay for this.'

'So are you.'

Rati tried to stand.

Zane punched him in the stomach again.

The gryphon doubled over and fell to the ground, groaning. 'That hurt...'

* * *

"Ryhuul, wait!"

The Narrator turned, but sighed and kept walking.

Elure ran up and grabbed its shoulder.

"What do you want?" it snarled, facing her.

"You act like you're the only one you can rely on," she whispered, head bowed. "I want you to realise that you need other people around you. No one can survive by themselves. Not even you..." She looked up at it, tears shining in her eyes. "I want you to be happy," she said. She leaned forward, wrapping her arms around the Narrator's waist. "You're responsible for so much... what happens if you're not there? What'll happen to the little ones? Relax a little, have some fun once in a while... don't just mope around like this."

The Narrator closed its eyes. "You're right," it murmured.

"I miss the old Narrator," she continued. "You were happier then. You didn't act as if the world was resting on your shoulders. But then Rati..." She faltered. "Oh, no," she breathed, remembering. "Rati's still back there. With the little ones..."

"No... he wouldn't..."

"We've got to get back."

The Narrator concentrated, and they reappeared back at the camp. It looked over at the whelps.

Zane was standing over them, defending them from the gryphon, who was covered in blood. It seemed like it was mostly his own, though.

The Narrator pushed Elure's arms away and stomped over. It grabbed Rati's wing as the gryphon readied himself for another charge.

He turned to the Narrator, eyes blazing.

"What did I tell you earlier about hurting my family?" the Narrator growled.

Rati spat blood in its face.

"Wrong answer." It punched the gryphon in the side of the head.

"Don't kill him," the prophet commanded, appearing out of nowhere.

The Narrator found itself unable to move. "Why not?"

"He's important to the plot."

"He was going to attack Ryhuul's family."

"Even so, you need him."

The Narrator glared. "Ryhuul needs to know that the babies will be safe."

"What about the collar again?" Elure suggested.

"That would be perfect. Great idea, Elure."

The prophet smiled and released its hold on their movement.

The Narrator created a collar, bigger and bulkier than the one Rati had had to wear earlier. It placed it firmly around the gryphon's neck.

Rati glared.

"If you're well behaved, Ryhuul will take it off," the Narrator sighed.

'You'd better. And I want your word that you'll stop with the hurting.'

"Ryhuul promises not to hurt you unless it is absolutely necessary."

'What would you consider 'necessary'?'

"Actively trying to kill Ryhuul or its family, for one. Being possessed by the Big Bad, there's another one. Oh, and making Elure cry."

'Yeah, you'd say that, wouldn't you?'

"Not that Elure's likely to cry."

'You'd say that too. She probably cries on your shoulder every night.'

It's worth noting that the Narrator wasn't paying much attention to what Rati was thinking.

'And I want them to promise, too.'

"What? Oh, right. Them. Sorry, wasn't listening. Peeps? Rati wants you to swear you'll stop hurting him."

'Finally got my name right again.' Rati sighed. 'About time.'

'I promise,' Zane vowed.

"Zane promises not to hurt you."

'Good.'

"I promise not to hit you without warning. And only then if you really deserve it."

'Is that the best she can do?'

"Rati's unsatisfied with your promise," the Narrator said.

"It's the best I can do at the moment," Elure stated.

Rati sighed. 'Can I talk now?' he asked.

"Rati really wants to be able to talk again," the Narrator reported.

"Fine, whatever," Elure said.

"About time," Rati muttered, voice rough with disuse.

"Don't mess up this time," Elure warned. "Or we're going back to the you-not-speaking thing."

"My work here is done," the prophet announced, disappearing again.

"Good riddance," the Narrator muttered.

"I want my sword back now," Rati said.

The Narrator pulled the blade out of its weapon storage space (read: from thin air) and handed it to the gryphon.

'It's about time, Ryhuul,' Rati thought.

"It's as sentient as a lamppost," the Narrator mentioned.

'Good.'

* * *

"Why does this thing take so long to recharge?" Bob complained, shaking his Hopper.

"What is it?" Ruta asked.

"It's a PlanetHopper™ MkIII. Top of the range when I got it. But the damn battery hates me."

"Why do you need it?"

"It can get us out of here."

"What are we waiting for?"

"The battery."

"Oh."

* * *

'Yawn,' Zane yawned redundantly.

"You don't need to say things like that, Zane," the Narrator sighed. "Especially not when it sounds like it's from the Department of Redundancy Department."

"What did he say?" Elure asked.

"He said 'yawn'. Ryhuul thinks he's trying to drop hints."

"Why is that redundant?"

"He was yawning at the time."

"How do you know?"

"Ryhuul is a Narrator. Narrators can see how someone speaks."

Rati yawned.

Elure yawned.

The Narrator managed to resist the yawn.

The Reader yawned. Probably you. Unless it wasn't.

The Narrator wondered how much longer the Fourth Wall would last.

Elure yawned again.

Zane yawned again. Without adding his own narration this time.

"Can we go to bed now?" Rati said, yawning.

"Fine."

* * *

The snuffleporgs had decided to just return their captive.

Unfortunately for all involved, the Princess (and Bob) were also planning on leaving.

This would cause a bit of difficulty.

* * *

That night...

Elure was in a tower. Why was she in a tower? That's right, Tygerrin was sick of her running around with a sword. So he locked her in here to wait for a husband. Joy.

She heard screaming through the window. Here was another hero, come to save her. She smiled as she heard the telltale sound of a dragon eating. That should stop them for a while.

She leaned out the window. "Hey, Sveitnir? Can you heat up some water for me?" she asked. "I'm going to take a shower."

The dragon growled acknowledgement and breathed flame at the water tank on top of the tower.

"Thanks!" she called.

She relaxed under the hot water, enjoying the sensation of dirt running down the drain. It took her mind off being trapped here.

She heard the sound of Sveitnir flaming. 'So soon?' she thought, but put it out of her mind, confident that her guardian would defeat this latest hero.

So when she heard a voice just outside the bathroom, she jumped.

"Elure?" the voice asked. It was a male voice.

Footsteps. He was walking in.

And she was naked.

"Wow, Elure!" he leered, taking off his helmet. "Mind if I join you?"

She ripped the heavy metal towel rail off the wall and slammed it against his head. He fell to the ground, bleeding heavily from his head. She drew his sword and stabbed him again and again. "Pervert," she muttered, dropping the sword and dragging him to the window.

But when she got there, she saw something that made her drop the corpse: Sveitnir lying by the tower, bleeding from multiple wounds.

She got dressed hurriedly and grabbed the hero's sword. She gazed around her room one last time, and left. As she walked past Sveitnir, the dragon lifted his head. "Your uncle said you weren't to leave," he whispered.

"He can't control me. And now, neither can you. Goodbye."

And then, suddenly, she was in her own tent.

"Was it just a dream?" she wondered out loud.

"Probably," the Narrator replied from beside the fire.

"What are you doing still up?" she asked, climbing out of the tent.

"Thinking," the Narrator replied, staring at the fire.

"Why?"

"Ryhuul couldn't get to sleep." It turned to look at her. "What about you? You had a nightmare too?"

"Seemed like it." She sat down next to it on the log.

"Care to talk about it?"

"Might as well. I was locked in this tower and heroes were coming to try to rescue me..."

"Unusual nightmare... Carry on."

"And I went to have a shower and a hero arrived and saw me naked. So I bashed him over the head with a towel rail. And then I managed to escape."

There was a pause.

"That's it?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Not much of a nightmare."

Elure sighed. "I know. So what were you thinking about?" she asked.

"Nothing important. A dream Ryhuul had. How different the stars are here. And the moon... what do you call it?"

"Planck."

"A piece of wood?"

"No, a-"

"Another physicist," the Narrator sighed. "Your AI must really like physicists."

"AI?"

"Artificial Intelligence. Sentient computer."

"Oh, you mean Elure."

"How come you have the same name as her?"

"I was named after her," Elure said proudly. "By my mother."

"So she's rather important. How much control does she have?"

"She's in charge of Bohr..."

"This is not good... Has she ever threatened to kill anyone with neurotoxin?"

"Huh? No! Why?"

"If computer Elure starts talking about cake, _especially_ if she mentions anything fish-shaped, or rhubarb, or an electric needle injector in the ingredients, get out of there as soon as possible before she uses neurotoxin. Or just put her into a potato."

"You sound like you've seen that happen before."

"Well, y'know, in a video game..."

Elure sighed. "In a video game," she repeated. "Honestly, I expected better of you."

"Ryhuul never meets anyone's expectations," it said quietly, staring at the ground between its feet. "Ever. They always expect more... especially the Board. They want Ryhuul to live up to the Code. Not gonna happen."

"Sorry for bringing it up... I was only joking."

"It's alright. You didn't know."

"How are the babies doing?"

"They're doing well."

"Something's troubling you, isn't it? About them?"

The Narrator nodded. "Ryhuul doesn't know what will happen to them after this narrative," it admitted. "And Ryhuul's worried."

"It'll all work out eventually," Elure murmured. "Just you wait."

It closed its eyes. "Ryhuul is still unsure," it admitted.

She laid a hand on its arm. It looked at her, surprised. She smiled.

"Ryhuul was thinking about... a few days ago," it admitted, looking away. "About when it left. Ryhuul was wrong. Rati's comment may have been the trigger, but it wasn't the cause. It just... reminded Ryhuul so much of the Board. They always looked down at Ryhuul, and... and... I hate them." Its hands clenched into fists. "I'm gonna get those bastards somehow," it growled. "They're gonna pay for what they put me through."

"Oh, Ryhuul..." Elure breathed.

It looked up sharply. "Ryhuul doesn't need pity," it muttered. The Narrator exhaled sharply and looked up at the sky. "The moon... Planck's nice tonight," it said.

"Yeah..." She shuffled closer, resting her head on the Narrator's shoulder.

The Narrator stayed still, unsure how to react. Its confusion was only made worse when she slid her arms around its waist. "What are you doing?"

"You always look like you need a hug," Elure murmured.

"Do not. Ryhuul is not a Woobie."

"What's that?"

"It's a TV Tropes thing. You wouldn't understand."

"Fine, don't explain it. Your shoulder's so comfy. Like a pillow..."

"Don't sleep on Ryhuul."

The Narrator was too late, as she was already asleep.

"Great," it muttered. It prodded her.

She stirred slightly, tightening her grip. She stayed asleep.

"Oh, excrement," the Narrator sighed. "Just what Ryhuul needed. First that dream, then being treated like a Woobie, and now being turned into a pillow." It prodded her again. No reaction. The Narrator sighed again.

* * *

Rati wasn't asleep either. He lay awake, staring at the ceiling of his tent, thinking.

She definitely liked Ryhuul. He had no idea why, but she preferred Ryhuul to him. It wasn't fair. He was a _Prince_ , for Jekka's sake! He had an inheritance! What did Ryhuul have? Nothing. Its ears weren't even pointed! And yet she cared more about it. It must be those dragons.

He sighed and pushed himself up, intending to get a breath of fresh air. He opened the flap of his tent, and saw Elure with the Narrator.

She was _sleeping_ on it! How could she?

He lay down again, cursing the Narrator.

Unfortunately, Rati hadn't noticed the Narrator's discomfort with the arrangement.

* * *

Zane, on the other hand, was sleeping peacefully.

* * *

The Narrator sighed (yet again) and lifted the sleeping girl, laid her in her tent, but before it returned to its own it had one more thing to do. It walked over to Rati's tent, where the gryphon had finally fallen asleep. "Ryhuul was wrong to take out its anger on you, Rati," it murmured. "You didn't deserve it. What Ryhuul did to you... and what Elure did to you... should have happened to the Board. _They're_ the ones at fault. They're the cause of Ryhuul's problems. Not you. You were just the trigger. Ryhuul hopes this will make up for it." It concentrated on Rati's collar, removing it completely.

That done, it went back to its own tent. It smiled when it saw the whelps still asleep. It lay down, curling around them like Denoral had in the past.

The action was awkward in its human body, but it had a duty to look after them.

Nothing was going to get in the way of that.

* * *

"The Hopper is charged, Princess," Bob reported.

"What are we waiting for?"

* * *

Things were strained in the morning, as Rati couldn't get the image of last night out of his head.

The Narrator had no idea what it had done to get the gryphon mad at it, but before it could read his mind there was a loud crash coming from the forest. It started running towards the source of the sound, with the whelps all hanging from it, Elure and Zane following after.

* * *

Rati stayed in the camp, sulking. Although his bad mood disappeared when he found his neck bare and realised that the Narrator had removed the collar.

* * *

The Narrator skidded to a stop when it saw the ship. The one that had taken Princess Ruta. "What did you do with the Princess?" it yelled.

One of the pig-aliens came out. "Who?"

"The girl you abducted. Where is she?"

"She's gone. We think she returned to this planet somehow," the alien said, sneezing.

The Narrator frowned, checking. "She's not here. Ryhuul would know if she was."

"Then your Princess is on another planet."

The Narrator groaned. "You mean Ryhuul has to keep searching? Oh, excrement."

Elure and Zane burst out of the forest behind it.

"What happened?" Elure asked, seeing the expression on the Narrator's face.

"Interested in planet hopping? 'Cause it's the only way to find Ruta."

"What! Why?"

"Your Princess is on another planet," the alien repeated, with another sneeze.

"Do we have to?" Elure moaned.

"Why bother?" the Narrator replied.

"Good point."

'But Rati promised to save her!' Zane protested.

"Rati can save her by himself then. Ryhuul doesn't care."

"So why did you take her in the first place?" Elure asked the alien.

"We thought-" It sneezed. "-she could cure our sneezing."

"Her? She only cares about herself," Elure stated. "But why her specifically?"

"We thought she'd be sympathetic-" Another sneeze. "-since she looks so much like a snuffleporg."

"So you can see through the glamour too," the Narrator murmured.

"Nope. You got the wrong person," Elure said to the aliens. "Would you like us to try to help?"

"Why are we getting involved?" the Narrator sighed.

"To thank them for getting rid of my cousin."

'Makes sense,' Zane contributed.

"No it doesn't," the Narrator said.

"What doesn't?" Elure asked.

"Never mind. Let's go get Rati and find some stupid cure. Bleeping Fetch Quests."

* * *

"Where are we?" Ruta asked.

"The Hopper says we're on... let's see... 'Moo Moo Farm'," Bob answered.

"Sounds civilised. Let's go." She pushed her way through the tall, green grass, Bob following reluctantly behind.

* * *

"Where did you guys go?" Rati demanded when the rest of the protagonists returned.

"We found the aliens," Elure reported. "Turns out they kidnapped the Princess because they sneeze all the time and want a cure. They thought she'd help them. But she didn't and they're upset. So I offered our help."

Rati sighed. "Let's get this over with," he muttered.

"Do gryphons have any good pharmacists?" Elure asked. "Elves have good health in general, so we don't need them."

"What's a pharmacist?"

"Someone that helps sick people get better."

"Oh, a Healer. We should visit Wereta first. She's the best Healer in all the tribes."

"Does she by any chance live at the top of a mountain?" the Narrator asked suspiciously.

"Kinda, yeah. So we'll need a way to get there."

"Like, for example, Ryhuul teleporting you all there?" the Narrator suggested.

"That could work..."

"Right. Everyone grab on."

They disappeared.

* * *

"Princess? I think something's following us," Bob said, worried.

"It's probably nothing," Ruta replied airily.

As a Genre Savvy goblin (even if he did wear a pink frilly dress), Bob was immediately more worried when he heard those words. Not that a pink frilly dress has anything to do with Genre Savviness.

A shadow passed in front of them, the tall grass moving, reflecting its passage. This proved Bob's fears correct. There was obviously _something_ there. But what?

"There's something there," Bob whined.

Ruta turned to face him. "You're just seeing things," she said.

And now he could see it. Barely. "Behind you..."

Something large breathed on her neck, its warm breath giving her chills. She turned. She wasn't expecting anything like what she saw.

It was a large cow. Standing on its hind legs. Holding an axe. And it was green.

"Moo," it said.

* * *

"What an unexpected surprise!" a female gryphon said as the protagonists appeared in front of her.

Elure and the Narrator stared at her. Elure because the gryphon had purple hair, eyes, wings, clothes, you name it; and the Narrator because she had what looked like oversized pigeon wings. And a cat tail.

"Healer, may I present to you my companions: Elure, Ryhuul and Zane." He pointed to each in turn. "Guys, this is Healer Wereta. She Heals the Skywing tribe."

"It's nice to meet you," Wereta said. "Is the young lady your girlfriend?"

Rati blushed furiously. "No, she isn't, Healer."

"That's a pity, as I have some... _interesting_ products you may like to use someday."

Rati blushed even harder. "No, we're... we're just here to find a cure for sneezing," he replied in a strained voice. "Y'see, there are these aliens..."

Wereta listened while he explained the situation. "I think I should visit these aliens myself," Wereta said. She spread her wings, ready to take off.

"Uh, Healer? Not all of us can fly," Rati said. "We have to teleport."

"Of course. Silly me, I should have remembered you have an elf with you."

'What about me!' Zane protested.

"Zane's feeling left out again," the Narrator reported.

"Aww, he's so cute when he's upset," Wereta gushed. "When this is over, can I keep him?"

"As long as no one else wants him. You probably won't have much competition."

"You sure about that? He's pretty handsome."

Zane blushed.

"In fact, I think I know someone who wants him more than I do. But she's not here right now, so." She walked up to Zane and kissed him where his mouth would be if he had one. "I wouldn't tell her about that, if I were you," she whispered in Zane's ear. "She'd get jealous."

'Who is she?'

"Zane wants to know who you're talking about," the Narrator translated. Well, for a given value of 'translated'.

"Vera, of course," Wereta explained. "Don't worry, you'll meet her eventually."

'Oh god,' Zane muttered.

"We should get going," Rati pointed out.

"That's a good idea," the Narrator agreed.

They all, Wereta included, grabbed hold of the Narrator, who teleported back to the snuffleporgs.

* * *

"Bob," Ruta whispered out of the corner of her mouth. "What is that?"

"Some sort of cow-"

"What's a 'cow'?"

"An animal commonly used in farming. Originates from-"

"I don't need that sort of information. Give me something relevant!" she hissed.

"They moo."

"I already know that!"

"And... Fascinating! Apparently the cows on Moo Moo Farm are ninjas."

"What should I do?"

The bright green ninja cow grabbed her and threw it over its shoulder, walking away. She screamed.

"First of all, you should never scream," Bob read from the PlanetHopper™ Guide to the Universe. He looked up. "Oh dear."

Moments later, Bob was picked up and thrown over the shoulder of another cow. He sighed, resigning himself to his fate.

* * *

"You didn't have to hold on so hard," the Narrator muttered after they let go of it, rubbing the feeling back into its arms.

"So what's the problem?" Wereta asked the snuffleporgs.

One of them stepped forward. "We-" It sneezed. "-can't stop sneezing," it explained. "It inter-" Another sneeze. "-feres with our-" Yet another sneeze. "-music."

"How long have you had the problem?"

"Ever since we-" It sneezed again. "-visited a planet covered in fields of wheat."

"Hmmm... sounds like an allergy. And of course your large noses would contribute to its detrimental effects." She paused. "How long ago did you visit?"

"Many hundreds of sleep-cycles ago."

"The fact that it's still affecting you makes no sense," she muttered. "Something's wrong here..."

"Ryhuul has a thought... did you let air from that planet into your ship?"

The snuffleporg nodded.

"The whole ship?"

Another nod.

"That could explain it."

"How? And what's 'allergy'?"

"An allergy is when your body doesn't like encountering a substance and your immune system has an over-the-top reaction," Wereta explained.

The snuffleporgs looked blank.

"It makes you sneeze."

"How do we fix it?"

"I'll make up some medicine which will hopefully fix it. But it's going to take a few hours. Would you like to come back to my home while I prepare it?"

The snuffleporgs agreed.

"Can we have the Princess back now?" Rati asked as the snuffleporgs prepared to leave.

"Your Princess is on another planet," one of them replied.

"Huh?"

"Oh, yeah, we didn't tell him," Elure muttered.

"Tell me what?"

"Ruta disappeared," the Narrator explained. "And now she's on some other planet."

"Which one?"

"Ryhuul doesn't know. Ryhuul's 'locate person' Standard Narrator Superpower isn't strong enough. You need a sci-fi Narrator for that."

"Then get one!"

"Ryhuul is... not well liked among Narrators. None of them are likely to help. Although Bunny may be able to help. Ryhuul will call him."

Rati glared as the Narrator pulled out a strange device from midair. Strange to them, anyway. The Reader (that's you) will probably recognise it as some sort of cellphone.

After a few button-presses, the Narrator held it up to its ear.

"Hi, Bunny?" it asked. "Yeah, it's the Narrator here. Listen, can you try and find someone? Elf Princess, name of Ruta... apparently had a travelling companion... who was... a goblin in a pink dress?" The Narrator looked at the snuffleporg whose mind it had been reading in surprise, lowering the hand holding the phone. "You're not serious, are you?"

The snuffleporg nodded.

"Yeah, still here," it said, placing the phone at its ear again. "No, just the planet. Ryhuul can find her after that." A pause. "Yes, 'Ryhuul'," it sighed. "Now can you find the planet? _Please?_ "

The Narrator started pacing around on the grass.

"'Moo Moo Farm'? Seriously? How many Wirt's Legs did it take to make that thing? No, you don't need to answer that, it was a rhetorical question. There are cows on there, aren't there? That wasn't a rhetorical question. ... And the cows have axes, right? Great. This'll be fun." The Narrator sighed again. "Well, thanks for the info, gotta go. Bye." It pushed another button on the phone and slipped it into one of the bottomless pockets. "Cow level. First they say it doesn't exist, and then they say it does, then they say it doesn't, and now it turns out it really does exist," it muttered. It looked up, noticing everyone staring at it.

Well, mostly everyone. Elure, for some reason, was eating a lump of goat cheese. Rati appeared to be begging her for some.

It folded its arms. "What?"

"You're a Narrator?" Wereta asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"No reason," the Healer replied hurriedly.

"So who's Bunny?" Elure asked suspiciously, ripping off a small chunk of goat cheese and handing it to Rati.

"Someone Ryhuul knows. A friend."

"Will we meet Bunny?" Arunerrhu asked from its usual position on the Narrator's shoulder.

"Eventually."

"Awww, cute dragons!" Wereta exclaimed. "Are they yours?"

"They are Ryhuul's family, yes."

"Your family? But..." She faltered under the intensity of the Narrator's glare.

"Can we get on with the adventure already?" Rati sighed.

* * *

Eventually, Ruta's (unwanted) transport stopped.

She was thrown into a dungeon, with thick metal bars separating him from the next cell over. She looked over and saw two men in the cell, sitting on a bench hanging off the wall.

"Hi," one of them said. "I'm Dan."

"My name is Princess Ruta," she answered.

"Ooh, a Princess." He turned to his friend. "Too high class for us, eh Raythe?"

"Does it matter?" the other man asked, slipping a hand around the other's waist. "We don't need a Princess to have fun." The man known as Raythe pulled his friend in for a kiss. "See?" he murmured.

Ruta turned away, disgusted at the public display of affection.

"I don't think the Princess enjoys our show," Dan noted.

"She doesn't matter."

Ruta turned, about to yell something along the lines of 'Of course I matter, you idiots! I'm a Princess!'. Then she saw what they were doing and turned back around again. She did _not_ want to be here right now.

* * *

"Let's go save Ruta!" Rati exclaimed.

"Do we have to?" Elure complained.

"What?"

"Do we have to rescue her? She's not worth much."

"It's our job to save the Princess!"

"It's your job to save the Princess. Good luck finding her."

"Ryhuul! You'll come with me and rescue her, won't you?"

"Ryhuul doesn't think it would be allowed to leave," the Narrator said.

"Why not?"

"Because of the Board. They put limitations on Ryhuul. Chances are high that includes restricting it to this planet. Which is actually much more interesting than the name suggests."

"Which name?" Wereta asked, confused.

"The elf name for it: Schrodinger."

"Unusual name."

"They've named everything after physicists."

"Aren't any of you going to help?" Rati demanded.

"Nope."

"That's just great. How am I going to get there now?" He looked around, seeing the snuffleporgs' ship. "Can we please borrow your spaceship?" he asked the leader of the snuffleporgs.

"Ryhuul wouldn't recommend going after her. She's on Moo Moo Farm."

"What's so bad about that?"

"The cows."

"What's a 'cow'?"

"Oh, right, you have no cows on this planet. Okay, um... imagine something like a goat, except larger. That's a cow. Now imagine it standing on two legs and holding an axe. That's a Moo Moo Farm cow."

"Are they dangerous?"

"Of course. How many things with axes _aren't_ dangerous?"

"Um..."

"Exactly."

"Doesn't matter. I'm still going to rescue her."

"Good luck with that."

"I'm sorry, but we can't let you borrow our ship," the snuffleporg said.

Rati sighed. "This means I'm not going, doesn't it?"

* * *

Alas, if the real heroes (the ones actually mentioned in the prophecy) knew a Princess had been stolen, they would have rushed off without a second thought. And Ruta wouldn't have left the planet at all.

Unfortunately, they were all drunk, high, passed out or all three when Ruta was taken, and they were still sleeping it off a week later. So they had no idea she was missing.

Things would have turned out differently if the Warrior hadn't brought home some pills for his brother (the Sage) and girlfriend (the Maiden). For one, the Stranger wouldn't have been mobbed in the street and badly injured.

But enough about them.

* * *

Bob was thrown in the cell on the other side of Ruta's cell a while later. "Ruta!" he exclaimed. "I'm so glad you didn't get taken anywhere else."

"Who's your friend?" Dan asked.

"This is Bob," Ruta said to the two men in the other cell. "Short for... what was it again?"

"Discombobulate."

"He's certainly very confusing," Dan said, smiling.

"Thank you," Bob answered. "I try."

"What's with the dress, though?" Raythe asked.

"It's comfortable and easy to wear."

"But it's not shorts," Dan objected.

Bob blinked. "Of course not, it's a dress," he replied.

* * *

"Glad you've seen the light, Rati," the Narrator said.

"Shut up."

"Hey, only Ryhuul's allowed to tell people to shut up."

"Don't care."

"Can we head back to Bohr now?" Elure asked. "Only I kinda missed my birthday party..."

"Sure," the Narrator replied. "Want to go straight back? Or would you rather take the scenic route back?"

"I'd rather walk back."

"Okay. Ryhuul will just take us all back down. Grab Zane, will you?" It walked over to the gryphon. "Alright, Rati. It's time for you to stop growing mushrooms in other people's gardens," it said, grabbing Rati's shoulder.

"Get off me," Rati muttered, jerking his shoulder away.

"Ryhuul is trying to do this peacefully. Would you rather the knock you out and carry you away method? It's necessary violence, after all..."

Rati sighed. "Fine, I'll come with you."

"Good boy. Now... where did Elure get to?"

"Found him," Elure said, dragging Zane along by the wrist.

'Thanks for actually remembering about me,' Zane sighed. 'Unlike last time.'

"Whose garden is this, anyway?" Rati asked.

"No idea," the Narrator replied.

"I'll make something for your nose too, Rati!" Wereta called, boarding the snuffleporgs' ship.

A few seconds later, the ship lifted off the ground and flew to Wereta's home, and the protagonists disappeared. For completely different reasons.

* * *

"Can you get us out of here?" Ruta pleaded.

"Sorry, but no. The cows took my Hopper."

"Those mean people!"

"They can't have their prisoners escaping," Bob explained.

"They're still mean people."

"They're not people. They're cows."

"Whatever."

* * *

"Ryhuul never knew teleportation was so exhausting," the Narrator muttered when they reappeared back at the campsite.

"Maybe you just didn't get enough sleep last night," Elure said.

"No thanks to you, Elure. Ryhuul _told_ you not to sleep on it."

"There's a rabbit!" Arunerrhu yelled from the Narrator's shoulder, leaping after it. Three more dragons left the Narrator's pockets, chasing after it.

Papillon stuck her head out of a pocket. "Where are they going, Ryhuul?" she asked.

"Arunerrhu saw a rabbit, so they're hunting it. Ryhuul's going to keep an eye on them, so would you like to stay with Elure for a while?"

"Yes, please!" Papillon squeaked.

"Ryhuul knew you'd say that." It lifted the whelp out of its pocket. "Would you look after Papillon for a while, Elure?" it asked.

"Of course." She took the dragon from the Narrator's hands.

The Narrator smiled and disappeared.

Papillon scrambled up onto Elure's shoulder.

"So that's, er, Papillon?" Rati asked.

"Yeah..."

"Can I hold it?"

"Her," she corrected.

Papillon extended her neck, sniffing at the hand Rati held out. She licked the appendage.

"That tickles," he giggled.

"I think she likes you."

"That's a change. Someone actually likes me."

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Besides, I like you... kinda... as a friend... when you're not being a jerk."

"Thanks. I feel _much_ better now," he muttered.

* * *

Raythe and Dan had started singing.

Unfortunately, they had pretty much no talent. They kept hitting the wrong notes, and it wasn't even the same one each time. Not to mention the fact that they couldn't keep in tune with each other.

Ruta blocked her ears, but she could still hear it.

"~...I want to break free...~" they sang.

And Bob's singing didn't help either.

"~I'm a pony! A pretty, pretty pony! I want to frolic in the meadows, all day long!~" he sang loudly, trying to drown out the two men.

He was failing. Ruta could still hear them. Clearly. "This is worse than bad elf poetry," she muttered.

* * *

The Narrator returned a while later with the dragons' catch.

"Turned out there's a rabbit warren nearby," it said, dropping a large bag of rabbits. "Awfully convenient, isn't it?"

'I was just about to say that,' Zane thought.

"And, as there's no great hurry to return to Bohr, Ryhuul thinks it would be a good idea to stop for the night."

"I agree," Rati said.

"It's not even dark yet!" Elure protested.

"That'll make it easier to cook these," the Narrator replied, indicating the rabbits.

"Are you volunteering now?" Rati asked.

"Fine, close enough. And Ryhuul will try not to burn it. No guarantees though."

"As long as it's edible," Elure sighed.

"Unlikely, based on previous experience."

"Was that previous experience roasting meat over a campfire?"

"No."

"Then how is it relevant?"

"Uh... Ryhuul managed to burn a salad."

"Don't worry. You'll do fine."

"Are you sure?" the Narrator asked uncertainly.

"Well, it can't be worse than raw slugs," she pointed out.

"And you know what they're like?"

"Yep. Unfortunately."

* * *

After the meal (which, miraculously, hadn't been burnt to a crisp) (and had managed to be better than raw slugs, although not by much) (and for some reason contained a large amount of goat cheese), Elure walked over to the Narrator.

"Ryhuul?" she asked. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure."

"Alone?" she continued nervously.

It blinked, then nodded slowly. It said something to the dragons in their language, and they all jumped down, quickly finding a seat beside the fire.

She took the Narrator's hand and led it into the forest, wandering until they found a fallen log. She sat down, and, after a moments hesitation, the Narrator did too.

Elure fidgeted.

"What did you want to talk about?" the Narrator said.

"I have no idea how to say this, but... um, I really like you, Ryhuul..." She blushed.

The Narrator's face was blank.

"Like, really _really_ like you... This isn't working, is it?"

The Narrator shook its head.

She sighed. "I guess, what I want to say is... I think I'm kinda-sorta falling in love with you..."

The Narrator blinked.

Elure leaned forward, held the Narrator's face in her hands and kissed it.

The Narrator's eyes opened wide as it realised what she meant, and it pushed her away. "No..." the Narrator moaned in a barely audible voice, "not me... why me? I'm not... I'm not worth it..." It closed its eyes. "I can't handle this right now... sorry, Elure... I just... I have to go..." It stood up quickly, teleporting away.

Elure sat there, shocked. She's actually told it, and... She'd blown it, hadn't she? She knew she shouldn't have kissed Ryhuul.

Especially not like that.

She wiped away the tears that were starting to form. She'd better got back to camp.

* * *

The Narrator sat in the cave it had shared with the dragons, staring at its feet.

Why did she like it? It didn't understand. It couldn't understand. She deserved someone better than it. Someone who could return her feelings.

Someone like Rati. Or Zane. Or some random guy off the street.

But not Ryhuul. Anyone else would do. Just not Ryhuul.

It sighed.

The setting sun shone through a tiny gap in the wall, briefly illuminating an emerald the size and shape of a golf ball.

It vaguely recognised one of the things the whelps had played with while it had stayed there, and smiled. The happy memories led to the not-so-happy, though, and the Narrator felt a crushing wave of loneliness as it remembered what had happened to its family.

It had to go back. Any company was better than no company. And it had to explain to Elure. Something it was not looking forward to. But it was for the best.

* * *

The Narrator teleported back to the campsite. "Elure," it murmured, placing a hand on her shoulder.

She turned.

"Ryhuul is sorry, but Ryhuul can't... Ryhuul does not reciprocate your feelings. Ryhuul is so sorry, Elure."

"I know," she whispered.

"It's not you... Ryhuul is not ready for it yet. Any man would be lucky to have you, but Ryhuul is not a man. Ryhuul is not anything."

"Don't be silly, you're a-"

"Narrator. Just a Narrator. Nothing more."

"You're Ryhuul..."

"And I'll get punished for it. 'A Narrator is nameless. A Narrator is but one of many.'," it recited. "We're supposed to be all the same. Identical. Clones. Not individuals."

"I had no idea..." Her eyes filled with tears.

"I'm not allowed a name, I'm not allowed a personality, I'm not allowed opinions of any sort. I'm not allowed anything except to be a fucking _doormat_!" It squeezed its fists so tight its fingernails pierced the skin. "Don't get close to me," it muttered as blood started to drip from its hands. "You'll just be disappointed. I can't do anything right. Ever. You should find someone else. Someone who can love you back. Someone who knows how to love. Just not me. Anyone but me. I can't give you what you need, and you deserve better."

"You're good enough for me," she murmured.

"Don't lie. I'm not good enough. I'm never good enough."

She hugged it, feeling sorry for it after all that it had gone through.

"What part of 'don't get close to me' did you not understand?" the Narrator growled, roughly pushing her off.

She landed hard on the ground and watched as it walked away. "Ryhuul," she whispered, tears running down her cheek.

* * *

Rati had been watching the scene. He'd been jealous of the way she cared about it. She'd even hugged it!

But then the Narrator had pushed her. She was just sitting there, crying.

"You made her cry, you bastard!" he yelled, running at the Narrator and forcing it to turn around.

It stopped. "Go ahead," it said, closing its eyes.

He punched the Narrator in the nose.

The Narrator did nothing.

"Why is she crying?!" Another blow.

"It was the only way," it sighed, blood running down its face.

"What the hell did you do to make her cry?!" And another blow.

"Told her the truth."

And another. "You're a heartless bastard!"

"I know."

And another.

"I hate you!"

"You're not the only one..." The Narrator just stood there. It didn't fight back. It wouldn't fight back. Not when it deserved all the pain it was getting and more.

The dragon whelps saw the beating their parental figure was taking and began to run over, only to be stopped by the Narrator's expression.

"Do not interfere," it murmured, staring at them and shaking its head.

"But..." Arunerrhu protested.

"No. This is Ryhuul's problem. It has nothing to do with you."

They turned away as Rati punched the Narrator again, seeking refuge with Elure.

She looked up, still crying, and saw what was happening.

"You don't deserve her!" the gryphon screamed. He kicked the Narrator in the groin. It doubled over, falling to the ground. "How come she likes you?!" Rati continued, smashing his fist into the Narrator's nose again.

"I don't know," the Narrator muttered, feeling the blood mix with its tears.

"Why couldn't it have been me?" the gryphon yelled, kicking the Narrator again.

"I wish it had been."

"What?" Rati asked, pausing.

"What the hell are you doing to Ryhuul?" Elure cried, running over.

"He made you cry!"

"She deserves better than me," the Narrator muttered.

"You hurt it!" she continued, kneeling beside the Narrator.

"Ryhuul isn't complaining," the Narrator said. It pushed itself up.

"You didn't even give it a chance to protect itself!"

"Elure, if Ryhuul had wanted to protect itself, Rati wouldn't have even landed one hit."

"You mean... you _let_ me do that?" Rati gasped.

"Yes. You needed to vent."

"And I hurt you badly..."

"It doesn't matter. Ryhuul deserved it. It's all Ryhuul deserves. Nothing more."

"But still-"

"Shut up, Rati."

"Why did-"

"Shut up, Elure." It sighed. "Ryhuul needs some time alone." It teleported away.

"Where the hell does it go all the time?" Elure wondered out loud.

"Who knows? Um, Elure, what were you and Ryhuul talking about?"

"Well, I kinda... told it that I liked it..."

"And?"

"It rejected me," she whispered.

"That bastard!" Rati yelled, clenching his fists. Inwardly, though, he was relieved.

"No, Rati, it's okay. I..." She sniffed, wiping her eyes. "I understand why it had to... it's just..."

Rati reached his arm out, wanting to comfort her, but he pulled back at the last second. He didn't want to alarm her.

She looked up, noticing him standing there awkwardly. She shuffled closer. "Hold me," she whispered.

He complied, arms around her, holding her close as she buried her face in his tunic, weeping. He wrapped his wings around her, enclosing both of them in a wall of feathers. He wanted to make her feel better.

He also wanted her to forget about the Narrator. At least as a potential Love Interest. Not all motivations are pure.

"Thanks, Rati," she murmured a while later, looking up at him. She raised herself up onto her toes and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "Good night." She smiled. And waited.

He stood there, not moving, still trying to come to grip with the situation. She'd kissed him! Even if it was only on the cheek. What did he do to deserve it?

* * *

Quite a while later:

"Uh... Rati?" she asked.

He realised that his wings were still around her, and he removed them.

She smiled again and went over to her tent. "Good night, Rati," she said.

"Uh... good night," he eventually replied.

She smiled and crawled into the tent.

* * *

The Narrator sighed.

Romance...

Why did characters want it so much? Why did characters make such a big deal of it? It didn't make sense.

* * *

The next day, they set out on the return journey.

Rati walked beside the Narrator. "Sorry about the nose," he muttered.

"It's fine."

"I mean it, I'm really sorry."

"It's fine. All healed."

"I- Wait, what? How did it heal so fast?"

"Standard Narrator Superpowers."

"What are they?"

"Powers considered 'normal' that are necessary for the proper telling of a story."

"Okay... um..." He tried to think of something to say. "Well, thanks for getting rid of the collar yesterday."

"Ryhuul had to."

"Why?"

"It wasn't fair of Ryhuul to put all the blame on you. Ryhuul's sorry." It sighed. "Ryhuul seems to be apologising a lot lately. It had to apologise to Elure last night, too."

"She mentioned something about that. She told me about... how you rejected her. I want to know why. She's smart... and beautiful... and..."

"And she deserves better than Ryhuul."

"Like who?" Rati demanded.

"You, maybe..."

Rati blinked. "Me?"

"Why not?"

Rati paused.

"Oh... is she the wrong gender? Wrong species?" the Narrator asked.

"No! I just wondered how you knew I like her!"

"You do?"

"Yes!"

"Wow... Ryhuul never noticed..."

"What are you two talking about back there?" Elure asked, turning and walking backwards.

"Uh..."

"Rati likes you," the Narrator informed her.

She blushed.

"Why did you have to tell her?" Rati demanded, embarrassed at having his secret revealed.

"Would it be easier if Ryhuul sang the 'kissing in a tree' rhyme?"

Elure giggled.

"No!" Rati yelled.

"Ryhuul will do it anyway." It grinned. "~Rati and Elure, sitting in a tree! K, I, S, S, I, N, G!~" it sang badly. Very badly.

"You're going to pay for this," Rati muttered, his face going red.

Zane sighed. How did he get stuck with these weirdos?

Elure stopped and waited for them to catch up. "So," she began when she was beside Rati, walking again. "You like me?"

"Yeah..."

"Like... _like_ -like?"

"Yeah..." He was starting to go red.

"That's so sweet!" she exclaimed.

He was blushing furiously now.

"Just one thing... why were you so mean to Ryhuul?"

"I was jealous of it," he admitted. "You two seemed to be getting along so well..."

"Yeah, well..."

'Romantic subplot: in progress,' the Narrator thought happily. ' _Without_ Ryhuul getting caught up in it.'

* * *

Let us now return to Bohr and see how Tygerrin's doing. Why? Because he'll be plot relevant later. So anyway, let's see what he's doing.

He's waking up. At practically the crack of noon. "I feel like I've slept for seven years," he yawned.

He yawned again, stretching, as servants brought in his breakfast: a bowl of puffed grains of rice in milk. With goat cheese on top.

"Vice Bubbles? Again?" he complained, picking up the spoon. Lower case spoon.

"It's all that's left, sir," the servant apologised.

"And do you _have_ to put goat cheese on everything?" Tygerrin groaned.

"It makes everything better, sir."

Tygerrin sighed. "When's the next shopping trip?" he asked.

"This afternoon, sir."

"Put Crunchy Nut on the list, will you?"

"Yes, sir."

"And next time, skip the goat cheese."

"Yes, sir." The servant bowed, leaving the room as Tygerrin started eating.

When he'd finished, Tygerrin set the bowl aside and pushed the blankets off. He stood up and walked over to the mirror, admiring his reflection. "Damn, I look good," he said. Then he wandered to his private bathroom, where he performed some morning rituals, like brushing his teeth. And, er, some other stuff, commonly left out of narratives.

All up, he spent about half an hour in there. Mostly reading.

Afterwards, he had a long shower. When he'd finished, he walked back out to the main room, a towel wrapped around his waist. He opened his wardrobe and selected a blue tunic. And then, on a whim, he decided to wear the blue earrings.

He summoned a servant to dress him.

"Very, uh, blue today, sir," the servant commented when he was done.

"It's such a stunning colour, don't you think, Lawrence?"

"It suits you, sir. But..."

"Yes, the blue hat is a bit much, isn't it?" He removed the floppy headgear.

"I was going to suggest that the slippers aren't exactly appropriate..."

Tygerrin looked down. "Oh, right. Bring my boots."

"Very well, sir."

"Actually, Lawrence, wait. How windy is it today?"

"Quite windy, sir."

"Then I'll have the iron boots, if you please."

"As you wish."

"You've been working for me for... how long has it been now?"

"Close to a century, sir."

"I think that you've earned the right to refer to me informally. In private, of course."

"Very well, si- Tygerrin."

"That's much better, isn't it?"

"Yes, sir."

Tygerrin sighed.

* * *

The protagonists continued their return journey, wandering through the wilderness on a direct line to Bohr. It only took the rest of the day.

"I never knew we were this close to Bohr," Elure said as they reached the crest of the hill near the Shining Citadel.

"You walked around in a spiral. Like the reverse of the predicted path of an electron in Rutherford's model of the atom. Which didn't explain how matter was so stable."

"Huh?"

The Narrator sighed. "The Narrator thought you would know _something_ about the field the guy you named your country after worked in."

"Heisenberg worked in a field? Like, with grass?"

"Of course not! He was a physicist. He worked in the field of physics. He couldn't go to a real field with grass in it, because he had hayfever. And because of the hayfever, he went to Heligoland where there was little pollen."

"...How do you know this?"

"Ryhuul was really bored one day and read Bunny's Physics textbook."

Elure sighed.

* * *

The sun was setting, once again causing the protagonists to be blinded by the shininess of the Shining Citadel. Except Zane, of course. Because he doesn't have a face. No face means no eyes. No eyes means no blindiness. Yes, that was a made up word.

You wanna know what isn't a made up word? Defenestration.

Would you like the Narrator to demonstrate on you? No? Tough luck. The Narrator pulled out a sledgehammer.

"What are you doing, Ryhuul?" Elure asked.

"Breaking the fourth wall."

The Narrator swung the sledgehammer at the fourth wall.

It shattered, making a sound like shattering glass. Because the fourth wall is made of glass. Or maybe paper, since this is a book, but that's opaque, not transparent, so you can't watch through it. So... glass. Even though it's the wrong medium. And no, that's not medium as in psychic. Or the size between small and large. It's medium as in format.

The Narrator then dropped the hammer and reached through the hole. It grabbed you (the Reader) by the neck. Well, maybe you. Unless it wasn't. Which is more likely, so it probably wasn't you. Unless it was.

After choking you (Not you specifically. Unless it was.) half to death, the Narrator stepped through to your side of the fourth wall.

"Oh yeah, forgot to demonstrate defenestration," the Narrator muttered. "Now what would make a good demonstration?" It looked around. "That'll do."

It picked up your bed and carried it over to the window. Then it threw it. Out the window. That's what defenestration means. Throwing things out the window. It has nothing to do with... er... removing parts of the body, you dirty-minded individual.

The Author would like to remind you that if you are still reading, this is not happening to you. It's happening to someone else. And that that comment about being a dirty-minded individual was directed towards the dirty-minded individuals reading this, not the clean minded person who may or may not be you.

Oh, and sorry if you just lost a bed.

Where were we? Oh yeah, that's right. Outside Bohr. Because the characters are still being blinded by the shininess.

You wanna know another non-made up word? Cromulent. As in, perfectly cromulent word.

Okay, maybe not. But it's close enough.

Back to the story-

Oh, and here's a proper one: Antidisestablishmentarianism. Defined as a specific political movement which would have opposed removing the Church of England from its status as the "official" church of Ireland.

And that has absolutely nothing to do with the story. It was only included for the sake of including the word 'antidisestablishmentarianism'. Antidisestablishmentarianism is a good word.

Oh, sorry, you're here for the story.

The Narrator facepalmed.

Where were we? Ah, yes.

A certain bird thing was riding on the shoulder of a kid wearing shorts, when...

Wait, wrong universe.

Sorry about that.

The Narrator's other hand joined the first on its face.

Okay. This should be the right one:

Rati was shielding his eyes from Bohr's blindiness when - Oh, look! A butterfly!

...Sorry.

The Narrator tried to add another hand to the growing facepalm. It didn't have one, unfortunately. The Narrator wished it could grow a third hand. "Bleeping Board," it muttered.

Right. The characters are being blinded. Apart from Zane, for obvious reasons. They shield their eyes and walk down the hill towards the city.

Elure was looking at the ground, when she saw something nearly as shiny as the city of Bohr. She bent down to pick up what she discovered was a clear stone about the size of a golf ball. A diamond. She had no need of it, but it looked pretty, so she put it in a belt-pouch.

"Why did you have to build it out of such a reflective building material?" Rati complained. "Don't you want visitors?"

Elure glared at him. "Elure designed it to impress all visitors to Bohr."

Rati looked confused.

"This is computer Elure you're talking about, right?" the Narrator guessed.

"Yes."

"So you have the same name as a com-pew-ter..." Rati muttered. "What's a 'com-pew-ter'?"

"A computer was a machine originally designed for calculation maths equations," the Narrator explained. "Now they're able to do a whole lot more. Like think, for example."

"You have the same name as a machine?"

"She's an artificial intelligence," Elure corrected. "My mother named me after her. My mother had a lot of respect for Elure."

'She's just a computer,' Zane muttered. Thought-based equivalent, of course.

"Had?" Rati asked.

"She passed away a couple of decades ago," Elure said sadly.

"You count in decades?"

"Why, don't you?"

"I'm only 21 summers old! And I'm an adult!"

"So young..."

"What do you mean?" He paused. "Wait, you're 40, aren't you?"

Elure nodded. "Why?"

"What's the average elvish lifespan?"

"About 200 years..."

"So you're comparatively the same age as me?"

"Probably."

'Can we actually try to get to Bohr before it gets dark?' Zane asked.

"Zane's getting impatient," the Narrator reported. "Ryhuul agrees. You two can talk later." It continued forwards, walking towards the city, which was not as blinding as before. The sun had almost set behind the buildings. The Narrator idly wondered what the elves had named the sun. It was sure to be interesting. And probably straight out of a high school Physics textbook.

Behind it, the others blinked, and followed it.

Behind _them_ , a couple of builders started patching up the fourth wall.

* * *

Tygerrin awaited them at the gate of the city, wearing a splendid blue tunic. The Narrator's gaze fell to the elf's feet and saw... yes, iron boots. "Did you save my daughter?" Tygerrin asked, upon seeing the group.

"Sorry, but she's on another planet. With cows," the Narrator explained.

"I do not know what you mean by a 'cow'," Tygerrin replied.

The Narrator sighed. "A farm animal that does not exist on this planet," it said.

"That is not very useful."

"Ryhuul's sick of having to explain what a cow is to everyone it meets."

"I was given the impression that your name was Juldir."

"Things have changed."

There was a pause.

"Why haven't you rescued my daughter?" Tygerrin asked, turning to Rati. "You made a promise."

"I was hoping you'd have a way to get me there," Rati answered.

"You broke your promise."

"What? I'm asking for your help!"

"Guards!" Tygerrin cried. "Take this gryphon away."

Six guards jogged out. Three of them grabbed Rati, while the other three prevented his companions coming to his aid.

"Get your hands off of me!" the gryphon yelled, wrenching an arm free. He flailed madly at the guards with fist and wings, kicking his legs.

One of the guards managed to get a grip on his wings, pulling them roughly.

Rati clenched his teeth in pain.

'Don't do anything,' a voice said to the Narrator. 'This has to happen. For the plot.'

The Narrator glanced around for the source of the instructions and saw the prophet.

'You again?' it thought, glaring.

'Goodbye.' The prophet waved and disappeared.

"Can't you help?" Elure asked, turning to the Narrator.

"Sorry," the Narrator muttered. "Plot, apparently."

"I don't care about the frickin' plot!"

"Ryhuul does. The plot is the only reason Ryhuul's here."

"Selfish bastard."

"Oh yeah?" it said in a low voice. "How would you feel if it was _your_ passion on the line and I called _you_ selfish for trying to keep it? I _have_ to focus on the plot. Otherwise I'll end up with _nothing_. Understand?"

Back to the commotion:

"If you want to keep your wings, you'll go quietly," Tygerrin said lightly.

Rati glared at the elf. "You're a bastard," he spat. "You're nothing but a fucking _bastard_."

"Lock it in the deepest dungeon," Tygerrin ordered. The guards bowed and dragged the gryphon in through the gate. "You know the one."

"You'll pay for this," Rati muttered as he disappeared from view. "I'm gonna make you suffer for this."

"Why did you do that, Uncle?!" Elure demanded.

"You are defending a gryphon?"

"He's my friend!"

"How can you be friends with a beast?"

"Easily. He's nice. Nicer than you!" she screamed at her uncle. "I hate you!"

"I was waiting for this," he sighed. "I have been told that this is a phase most adolescent elves go through."

"Bring him back!"

"Why do you care so much? You don't love him, do you? You could do much better than that filthy beast," Tygerrin said. "Have you considered a marriage with Juldir?"

"Stop using that name," the Narrator growled. "It is Ryhuul."

"I met you as Juldir, so I will continue to refer to you as such."

"You don't ever learn, do you?"

"I have no need to learn. I am an elf, taught over a century ago by the great Elure."

"Who is much smarter than you."

"That is correct."

'Oh boy,' the Narrator thought. 'An imbecile. He hasn't learned the most important rule for dealing with AI: You don't trust them. Ever. Especially not if they're obsessed with cake.'

'I think you're right for once,' Zane replied.

"And she's been around a lot longer," the Narrator continued.

"Yes."

"What are the chances her data's outdated?"

"'Do not question Elure's wisdom'," Tygerrin recited.

'Definitely an imbecile,' the Narrator sighed.

"Juldir would be so perfect for you, Elure," Tygerrin added.

"No it wouldn't," the Narrator objected. "Ryhuul is not right for anyone."

"And he would look so handsome with you," Tygerrin continued as if he hadn't heard.

"Ryhuul is _not_ a he," the Narrator muttered.

"Ryhuul has already told me it's not interested," Elure stated.

"Such a pity."

'No it isn't,' the Narrator thought.

'Yawn,' Zane yawned.

'Not this again,' the Narrator sighed.

"I shall let you enter," Tygerrin said. "Please proceed to your rooms in our humble home. Would you like a guide?"

"I know my way there, Uncle," Elure sighed. "I'll take them."

"Very well." The elf left, leaving them standing just outside the city.

"Shall we go in?" the Narrator asked eventually.

"Sorry about Uncle," Elure muttered as they climbed the stairs to their rooms. "He's just... I don't know. Difficult." She paused at the door of the rooms they'd been given. "It's hard to change his mind once he's made it up. And he made up his mind about gryphons a long time ago..." She wiped her eyes. "I wish he hadn't locked Rati in the dungeon..."

"You care about him, don't you?" the Narrator asked, patting her on the shoulder. "Rati?"

She nodded.

"Ryhuul's sure he'll be alright."

"Thanks..." She wiped her eyes again. "Well, this is your room. Goodnight." She opened the door.

"See you in the morning," the Narrator said. It walked into the room, Zane following after it.

Elure closed the door behind them and headed to her own room. She wondered what was in the deepest dungeon. She'd never been allowed down there. She'd never managed to sneak past the guards her uncle left to guard it, either. So, naturally, she assumed the worst.

She didn't want to be alone. She'd rather have someone else there who would help drive away the terrible thoughts that insisted on making her mind their home. She strode back to the Narrator's room and knocked on the door. "Can I stay in here tonight?" she asked when the door opened.

The Narrator nodded and let her through. "Ryhuul will take the couch," it said. "You can have the other bed."

"Thanks," she muttered. She got in the bed, slipping between the blankets. Just as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard the Narrator's voice as it told the whelps a bedtime story. She didn't hear much, though, as she fell asleep fairly quickly.

* * *

Rati had no idea where he was. He had no idea who he was. Images flashed past where his eyes usually were. A small blue-haired being, jumping off a cliff...

He tried to call out, to stop the being, but he couldn't move, couldn't speak. The being fell. Then it spread large blue wings and flew...

The same blue-haired being, which he now knew was a gryphon, older now, lying in the desert, with winged shadows circling...

And once again he couldn't move.

The gryphon laughing maniacally, holding a bottle...

A dark-haired girl sobbing...

Who was she? He knew he should know, but...

He couldn't remember.

A brown-haired man with a dagger in each hand facing a huge scaly monster...

Who was he? And why was he doubtful about the man being a 'he'?

He saw large green animals vaguely resembling scaled-up goats, standing on their hind legs and holding axes...

The blue-haired gryphon and the dark-haired girl standing back to back and battling these animals...

A cat lying dead on the ground... next to the same cat walking around...

A plain-looking girl in a pink dress, burning...

An elf man with blond hair wearing a green tunic and hat and holding a bottle...

He wondered if there was any connection to the gryphon.

A faceless man surrounded by mirrors, reflected infinite times...

A bloodstained shovel...

Were these memories? Hallucinations? Or something else? And what did they mean?

Then, suddenly, there was pain. Horrible, burning agony. He screamed... or did he? He couldn't be sure of it. He couldn't be sure of anything, except the pain.

The pain disappeared abruptly, leaving only the memory of it to remind him it had ever been there. And he couldn't even be sure if he was imagining things. The disappearance of the pain also removed the only way he knew he had any sort of body. Now there was just nothingness.

Had there ever been pain in the first place? Or had he been imagining things again? It was impossible to tell. The only thing he knew for sure was that he existed. But...

He was alone. A lone consciousness floating in a sea of nothing...

He could feel the nothingness around him, inviting him to let himself go. It would be so easy...

Still, he struggled to keep himself together. He had no idea why. But he knew it was important. He had to get past this.

* * *

When whelps were asleep, the Narrator smiled. They looked so peaceful.

But how would the plot treat them?

Not well, it realised, mentally reviewing tropes. Cerebus Syndrome was sure to strike soon, and that didn't bode well for them. Neither did the high chance of Break The Cutie.

It had to get them out of here.

It pulled out its phone, pushed a few buttons, and held the device up to its ear.

"Hi, Bunny, it's Ryhuul here. Sorry for calling so late, but... Ryhuul has a problem. You see, Ryhuul is in charge of these dragon whelps... it would take too long to explain _why_ right now. Anyway, Ryhuul doesn't think this narrative is a good place for them. Things are getting bad. Can you look after them for Ryhuul? ... Thanks, Bunny. This means so much... So when can you come pick them up? ... Now would be perfect. You know where Ryhuul is? Right. Of course. Well, see you soon." It hung up.

A few minutes later, a portal opened and a white rabbit stepped through.

"Glad you could make it, Bunny," the Narrator said to the newcomer.

"Hi, Ryhuul," the rabbit replied. "So, where are these dragons you mentioned?"

The Narrator indicated the sleeping reptilian beings sleeping on the couch. It started poking them back to wakefulness. "Hey, wake up."

"What is it?" Arunerrhu yawned.

"Ryhuul has someone for you to meet."

One by one the whelps woke and saw Bunny.

"This is Bunny," the Narrator said to them. "He's agreed to look after you lot for a while. Ryhuul doesn't want to lose you, and things could get very dangerous."

Bel started sniffing at the portal.

"What's it like?" Venlor asked her.

"It smells interesting... weird. But slightly familiar..." she concluded.

"I'll risk it," Sveitnir announced.

"I guess I'll go, too," Venlor said.

"I want to find out more," Bel contributed.

"Bunny seems nice," Papillon added. "But I'll miss Elure..."

"You'll still have us," Bel mentioned. "Right?"

Sveitnir and Venlor nodded their agreement.

"I'm staying with Ryhuul," Arunerrhu stated.

"What? Why?" Venlor asked.

"Because," the dragon replied.

"That's not a good answer," Sveitnir pointed out.

"Arunerrhu's made his decision," the Narrator interrupted. "It may not be the ideal one, in Ryhuul's opinion, but it's his decision. Not anyone else's. And if he doesn't want to explain why, that's his decision too."

"I'll miss you, Arunerrhu," Bel said quietly. The others nodded their agreement.

"I'm gonna miss you all too," Arunerrhu replied.

"Take care," the Narrator said. "Good luck."

The dragons (except Arunerrhu) all climbed onto Bunny, claws holding on to his fur.

"What about that one?" Bunny asked, pointing.

"Arunerrhu didn't want to leave so he's staying with Ryhuul," the Narrator answered. "So you're sorted?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah. Take good care of them." It smiled at the dragons. "Remember peeps, Bunny is not food. Got it?"

They nodded.

"Good. Ryhuul will see you all later," it muttered, wiping tears away. "Bye."

"Goodbye," they chorused.

"See you later, Ryhuul," Bunny said, waving. He stepped back into the portal, which closed after him.

"It's just us now," the Narrator sighed when the portal had disappeared completely.

Arunerrhu climbed onto the Narrator's shoulder and nuzzled its cheek with a chirp.

"Ryhuul is glad to have you too."

* * *

Tygerrin walked down to the lowest dungeon to visit his new prisoner. He unlocked the door and stepped inside.

The gryphon lay strapped face down to a table set at a 45 degree angle. There was a rough piece of cloth tied around his mouth as a gag, and another over his eyes. Small whimpers came from the gryphon's prone form.

Charms were spread across the room.

Tygerrin checked quickly to make sure that they were all in the right places. Satisfied, he stood next to the table. "What is it like, having wings?" he asked. "What is it like to soar above the clouds?"

He reached out, running a finger along the gryphon's wing. The smoothness of it made him shiver.

"Why is it," he whispered softly, "that you, a beastly gryphon, have such beautiful wings when I, an elf, wish for them so much?" He exhaled. "I've waited for this for so long. Before Galileo rises over the horizon, I will have those wings. I will fly."

The Author would like to remind you that Galileo is the elf name for their sun. Actually, 'remind' implies that you've already been told. That is incorrect. You haven't been told yet. Someone was slacking.

The Author would like you to know that Galileo is the elf name for their sun. And he's unlikely to be mentioned in a Physics textbook. So the Narrator was wrong.

Tygerrin loosened the bindings holding Rati to the table. He concentrated, focusing his energy on those beautiful wings. He was going to fly. His magic was going to make him fly.

* * *

Rati heard a voice, whispering. It was, dot dot dot, Elure's uncle Tygerrin!

And he was saying something about flying.

And... oh crap, what just happened? Why couldn't he feel his wings? His wings!

The shock was too much for him to handle immediately, and he passed out.

* * *

'What the hell happened?' Rati thought, upon waking up. The last thing he remembered was being taken to a dungeon and tied to a table thing... Unless you counted the voice. He had no idea if it was real or not, but he knew he'd heard a voice.

'What the hell are you doing here?'

'Elure?'

'Get out of my head!'

Yep, definitely Elure. And... what did she mean?

He opened his eyes and looked down.

'I'm a girl? Neat!' And he may as well take advantage of it.

'What are you-'

'Ooh... squishy...'

'Get my hands away from there!'

'Hell no! Now that I have a license to grope, I'm going to use it.'

'I always knew you gryphons were perverts.'

'Am not! I'm simply... seizing an opportunity with both hands.'

'Well, you've certainly got a good grip. Now get off!'

'Why? Feeling uncomfortable?'

'Of course! Now _stop it_!'

'I'm actually quite enjoying this.'

'Get _off_.'

"Elure, what are you doing?" the Narrator asked.

They paused.

"Um..." Elure began, taking control of the mouth.

Rati squeezed with her left hand.

"Stop it, Rati!"

'You know you like it.'

'I do not!' Elure raged in the (relative) privacy of her own head. 'Everyone's looking at us, so _stop it_!'

Rati squeezed again.

'Stop it! If you don't, I'll... Ohhh, that feels good...'

'Quite the exhibitionist, aren't you?'

"Shut up, Rati."

"Are you alright, Elure?" the Narrator asked, prodding her.

"No, I am not alright! That moronic gryphon has taken over my body!"

"Uh, Elure, it seems like you still have control of part of it," the Narrator pointed out. "Otherwise you wouldn't be able to talk."

"Shut up."

'How did I get here anyway?' Rati asked.

'I have no idea. Now get my hands away from there!'

'I like it here.'

'Get off. You can grope later.'

'Is that a promise?'

She knew he was smirking, back there in her mind. She also knew she was going to regret this. But if it was the only way to get him to make her hands let go... 'Fine.'

He moved her hands away.

She looked around and noticed Zane bent over for some reason. "Is he alright?" she asked.

"He's just laughing his head off over how you and Rati were arguing."

She groaned. "He could hear us?"

"He's a telepath," the Narrator explained.

"That explains something. But how come I can't hear him?"

"He can only read minds. He can't project thoughts."

"The how do you know what he's saying?"

"Standard Narrator Superpowers."

"That's not a good explanation."

"What's an exhibitionist?" the Narrator asked, changing the subject.

She turned bright red.

In the back of her mind, she heard Rati laughing.

Elure knew she'd rather not answer the question, and instead started singing the Pony Song. "~I'm a pony! A pretty, pretty pony! I want to frolic in the meadows, all day long!~" she sang, with much better skill than Bob. Not that she knew that.

"What's with that song?" the Narrator asked.

Rati shrugged. Except it looked like Elure was the one shrugging, thanks to the fact that they have to share a body.

"Well, it's getting annoying, so Ryhuul's going to... er... iron its... um... dog," the Narrator said, backing out of the room.

Zane followed quickly.

'Don't leave me with her!' Rati's mind screamed.

"~I'm a pony! A wild, graceful pony! I'm going to gallop in the mountains, all day long!~"

* * *

Tygerrin admired his new body in the mirror, flexing his new wings. He'd chosen this body well. Healthy, strong... And it had wings.

The main downside was the legs. He couldn't figure out how to make cat-like legs work. How did gryphons manage it? And how did they manage to keep track of all six appendages? And the tail. Can't forget the tail.

"Sir?" one of the servants asked, walking in. "Are you ready for... What are you doing in here?"

"Ah, Lawrence," Tygerrin said, turning around. "Do you like my new body?"

"It's certainly a change, sir," Lawrence said.

"The hair could do with a bit of work, though. It's a bit too... blue."

"But it does match the nose, sir."

Tygerrin blinked, surprised, stared at his nose (making himself look cross-eyed in the process) and poked it. "Ow," he muttered. "Lawrence, remind me never to do that again, will you?"

"Yes, sir."

* * *

Rati wandered around in Elure's mind while she was singing. He found something that seemed interesting and poked it.

'Get away from there!' Elure yelled, stopping her singing.

'Why? What is it?'

'A memory I'd rather not revisit.'

'Oh... What about this?'

'Another bad memory.'

'This?'

'I have no idea. I've never seen it before.'

'Can I poke it?'

'Go ahead.'

Rati poked the strange lump.

Elure's body lifted in the air for a second. Then, of course, it dropped. Gravity, you know. 'What just happened?' she wondered.

'No idea.'

'Poke it again.'

Rati did so, and Elure turned into a barn owl. 'Change me back!' she demanded.

'Alright, alright!'

He poked it again and she turned into a bright green ninja cow.

Just kidding. You don't think she'd know what a cow looks like, do you? Of course not. There are no cows on Schrodinger.

You want to know what really happened? He poked it again, and she returned to normal.

'What is that?' she wondered.

'I think you have magic powers.'

'Uncle always said that magic doesn't exist.'

'He did _this_ to me.'

'Uh... please explain.'

'It's his fault you're stuck with me.'

'What do you mean?'

'I think he forced my soul in here.'

'Uncle wouldn't do that.'

'I heard his voice just before I blacked out, so...'

'You were just imagining things.'

'So I'm imagining being stuck on your body?'

'Of course not,' she conceded.

'So how are we going to fix this?'

'We should ask Elure,' Elure said. 'Computer Elure,' she added.

* * *

'I'm bored,' Zane complained.

"Ryhuul has a ball you can play with." The Narrator searched its pockets for the ball. "When did Ryhuul find this?" it wondered, pulling out a mushroom.

'How should I know?' Zane replied.

"Ryhuul wasn't asking you."

'What are you going to do with it?'

The Narrator threw the mushroom at Zane, who reflexively reached out and caught the fungus. Unfortunately, Zane had been caught by surprise, so his mouth (which is on his palm, for anyone who doesn't remember) was open. So he accidentally took a bite of the mushroom.

He looked around. 'Pretty colours,' he mumbled.

'Oh, no,' the Narrator thought. 'That was a hallucinogenic one.'

'Left socks... orange juice...'

'And now he's spouting nonsense,' the Narrator sighed in its mind. 'At least it can't get much worse.'

'~Never gonna give you up... Never gonna let you down...~'

'It got worse,' the Narrator groaned. 'Ryhuul would prefer the song about the pony.'

* * *

Tygerrin stood on the windowsill of his tower, wings outstretched. He'd finally got the hang of this body. Now it was time to fly.

He jumped.

And landed hard.

"I put a mattress here for you, sir," Lawrence said.

"Thanks, Lawrence," Tygerrin muttered from his position face down on the mattress.

"Don't jump from so high next time, sir."

"Yes, Lawrence."

* * *

Elure walked through the hallways of Bohr's Town Hall.

Wait, it's actually Rati and Elure. But that's too complicated to say every single time. How about we just call them Ralure? Good? Good.

Ralure walked through the hallways of Bohr's Town Hall.

See? It works.

'I hope you know where you're going,' Rati muttered.

'Of course I do. I lived here most of my life. See? Here we are.' She made the body open the door. "Hi, Elure! I'm back!" she announced.

"It's about time."

"What do you mean?"

"Your mother asked me to tell you something on your 40th. That was nine days ago."

"Sorry, Elure. We had to go after Ruta."

"Where is she?"

"On a planet with... um..."

'Cows,' Rati said.

"'Cows', apparently."

"I see."

"So what was the message Mum had for me?"

"She recorded it and left it in my databanks, with instructions to play it when you visited on your 40th birthday. It is not your 40th birthday any more."

"What are you doing? You're not usually this anal. It's close enough, isn't it?"

"Fine. Just let me find it."

"You don't know where it is?"

"I know what it's called, and what file type it is, but no, I don't know its exact location."

"That's just perfect."

"Don't get sarcastic with me, Elure. I've got a Search going."

"And that'll find it?"

"Of course. As long as it's still named 'rayielmessag.flac'. I should have done a defrag ages ago. And a general clean-out. And... Oh, there it is. You ready?"

"Of course."

"Then here goes."

There was silence for a few seconds, and then static. Then, of course, the message part of the recording.

"My dear Elure, my daughter, happy birthday," the recording began. "Congratulations on making it to adulthood. I wish I could be there, but... circumstances demand that I miss it. I'm pretty sure I was poisoned, and I think I know who by: Tygerrin. Don't trust that scheming son of a gun. He'll tell you lies to further his own ends. And one lie I'm sure he's told you many times: that magic is fake. Don't believe him. It exists. You have magical powers."

'Told you so,' Rati smirked.

"It runs in the family. He has it too. And his daughter. Although Ruta's appears to be merely glamour."

'Ryhuul was right about that,' Rati added.

'Shut up.'

"But you, Elure, you have great power. More than Tygerrin. He's afraid of you, of what you can do. Take advantage of this, Elure. But keep it a surprise for him. And when you're ready to confront him-"

A glowing green axe flew into the computer, cutting off the last part of the recording. All that remained was static. And a group of large green animals that vaguely resembled scaled-up goats bursting through the wall to attack.

"What the hell are these things?" Elure yelled.

'No idea. Stop standing around and fight!'

She drew her sword, retaking control of her body in the heat of the moment, and dodged out of the way of another axe. She thrust at the animal in front of her, piercing its skin.

"Moo," the animal grunted. Red blood gushed out of the wound, contrasting with the green of the animals. And their axes, of course. The animal fell, but propped itself up on one hoof.

A blow to the head finished it off.

'Good job!'

"I don't need you distracting me," Elure muttered, parrying another axe blow.

'Hey, didn't Ryhuul mention that the 'cows' have axes when it was talking to that Bunny person?'

'You're saying that these are probably cows?'

'Yeah.'

'I really needed to know that.'

'No need to be sarcastic. You asked earlier, anyway.'

'Is there anything you can do that _doesn't_ involve distracting me?'

'I'll find something.' He went back to what he now thought of as the 'magic thingy'. And he poked it.

Elure's body split into two bodies. Well, more of cloned, but oh well. There were now two Elures.

Each one only had one consciousness inside it.

Elure found it strange to be looking at her own face as others would see it. Especially that smile. Did she really smile like that?

"Let's do this," the other Elure, which she realised Rati was in, said. So, no, she did not smile like that.

They both turned 180 degrees, going back to back. Those of a sensitive disposition should look away now. Elure!Elure swung her sword at a cow, while Rati!Elure knocked another cow's axe away with (insert neutral pronoun here)'s sword, following up with a kick to the stomach. The cow bent over, and Rati!Elure stabbed it in the eye. Blood, brain fluid and eyeball juice leaked out. Mainly eyeball juice, making it look like a high school science dissection.

Rati!Elure was unprepared for such a sight (having never hunted for real), and xe (a.k.a. 'insert neutral pronoun here') vomited over the cow's corpse.

Meanwhile, Elure!Elure was hacking off the head of another cow. Droplets of blood were flying from the sword, landing on everything. Including Rati!Elure's vomit.

One cow had been running at Rati, and now slipped on the patch of vomit, falling backwards and breaking its neck. Another cow tripped over the fallen one, meeting the same fate. Except it fell forwards. More dominoes... oops, sorry, uh... _cows_ , fell. One crashed into Elure!Elure, causing her to drop her sword.

She cursed, scrabbling around on the ground for a weapon. Her hand closed around something, which turned out to be one of the dead cows' axes. She stood, and the last three remaining cows charged her. She slammed the blunter side of the axehead into the first cow's skull, cracking it open.

The second one met a similar fate.

The third one, she missed on the first swing, but the backswing caught it on the back and it went flying, landing face-first in Rati!Elure's vomit. Where it drowned. Poor cow.

Elure!Elure dusted herself off. Even though it was mainly bloodstains. She bent down, picking up her sword again.

Rati!Elure groaned.

"What's wrong?" Elure!Elure asked.

"So disgusting..." Rati!Elure groaned.

"Sucks to be you."

The spell wore off then and they both went back into the same body.

Elure immediately felt nauseous.

'Sucks to be me, eh?' Rati said.

'Shut up,' she replied, vomiting.

* * *

"What happened to you?" the Narrator asked as Ralure walked in. Elure's clothes were still covered in bloodstains, and she had a scratch on her face.

"We were attacked by green cows."

"How do you know what they were? You don't have cows on this planet!"

"They resembled scaled-up goats, and they had axes."

'You forgot to add the fact that they were green,' Rati said.

"And they were green," Elure added.

"Why would they be green?" the Narrator asked.

'Oh, look, a ninja!' Zane said, off in his own little world. It was called 'Moo Moo Farm'. Yes, that one. Despite this, it had road cone orange ninja cows. Not green. Ninjas can be road cone orange if they want to be. These cows wouldn't even be the first orange ninjas. That title goes to a kid called Naruto.

"Their axes were green, too."

"That could explain it," the Narrator murmured. "Were they glowing green?"

"Yep."

"Probably radioactive, then," the Narrator said. "Wait a second. How did axes help you identify them?"

"You mentioned axes when you were talking to Bunny."

"That's only 'cause it was Moo Moo Farm. Nasty cows there. Normal cows don't have axes."

"So we encountered Moo Moo Farm cows?"

"Most likely."

"So cows are green?" Elure asked.

"No. Cows are white, brown or black. Or some variation. Not green."

'Pretty orange cows...' Zane mumbled.

"Or orange."

'Orange?' Rati wondered.

"Zane apparently thinks he's talking to orange cows... from Moo Moo Farm. Hmm. Ryhuul needs to check this."

It got out its phone again.

"Hi, Bunny," it said into the phone a few seconds later. "Ryhuul here. Hey, uh, what colour are the Moo Moo Farm cows? ... What do you mean, 'it depends'? You're no help. ... Alright, got you. So they can be green? And orange? Right. Thanks. Bye." It hung up.

"So?" Elure asked.

"Apparently there are different regions of Moo Moo Farm with different colour cows," the Narrator explained. "Like green. And obviously their axes caused all the mutations."

"What are mutations?"

"Radioactivity affecting the genetic structure."

"Why do you have to use so many long words?" Elure complained.

"Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness."

"Which is?"

"In layman's terms, big words," the Narrator sighed.

"So what did that sentence before mean?"

"Small thingies sent out by particles changing the thing that tells your body what it should look like."

"That doesn't help."

"Not Ryhuul's fault. Blame the language. Go ask your AI for a better explanation."

"Fine. We will." She strode off back the way she had come.

"Ryhuul can't believe she has no idea what a mutation is," the Narrator muttered. "Even Bunny knows, and he's still in high school."

'All your base are-' Zane began.

'Screw it. Ryhuul will follow her. Ryhuul's been wanting to meet this AI, anyway.'

'-belong to us.'

* * *

Warning! Science content ahead. You have been warned.

"Hey, Elure," elf!Elure said, walking back in. "What's a mutation?"

She listened attentively as computer!Elure explained the concepts of genetics, evolution, radioactivity, and how they interact. It was long and had lots of diagrams.

Rati didn't exactly pay attention, by the way.

And computer!Elure didn't even get into the chemical structure of the bases of deoxyribonucleic acid, how they are affected by radioactivity, and why cytosine/guanine and adenine/thymine (or adenine/uracil when dealing with RNA) are the only legitimate pairings under normal conditions. Or chain reactions, nuclear power stations, different forms of radiation, quantum physics, nuclear bombs, Chernobyl, inheritance, the cause of radioactivity, dominant and recessive genes, half-lives, isotopes...

Which are all mentioned in high school science classes.

The Narrator arrived halfway through this lecture, and waited in the corner. It still had to wait another half an hour.

It amused itself by watching an electron go through a hole in a piece of paper, and then not watching an electron go through two holes in a piece of paper, and then watching another electron go through just the one hole. Then it tried to calculate the speed _and_ velocity of an electron. It failed, for what should be an obvious reason: Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle.

And then it found a squeaky whiteboard marker and drew a dot jumping off a cliff. The dot screamed the whole way down.

"Will you stop that?" computer!Elure asked, annoyed at the noise. "I'm trying to teach here."

"Sorry."

* * *

"My minds hurt," Ralure muttered when class was over.

"Want some acetylsalicylic acid?" the Narrator offered, holding out a tablet.

"What the hell is that?"

"Panadol. Aspirin. Painkiller. Good to take for a headache."

Ralure reached out and then hesitated. "Is it safe?" xe asked suspiciously.

"Ryhuul didn't make it, so... probably."

"We'll risk it," Elure decided, without Rati's input.

The Narrator handed her the pill, and she swallowed it dry.

"Don't you want to wash it down with something?" the Narrator asked.

"I'm fine."

"Suit yourself." It pulled a shovel and a golf ball-sized emerald, and used the shovel to keep the emerald in the air.

"What are you doing?"

"Using a ridiculously large amount of self-control to keep from going on a murderous rampage with a shovel."

"Why would you do that?"

"It's the shovel's idea."

"Shovels aren't sentient."

"This one is."

"What was that thing you did before that made that screeching noise?" the Rati side of Ralure asked.

"Ryhuul made a dot jump off a cliff," it answered, catching the emerald.

"Um..."

"Would you like a demonstration?"

Rati made her head nod.

The Narrator got out that same old whiteboard marker and a whiteboard. It used the marker to draw a cliff, and then drew a dot. Then it made the dot jump. The old marker screeched its way down the board as the dot fell.

"And that's how you make a dot jump off a cliff," the Narrator stated.

"Elure, you haven't introduced me to your friend," computer!Elure said.

"Right, sorry," Ralure said. "Elure, this is Ryhuul. Ryhuul, this is Elure."

"It is a pleasure to meet you," computer!Elure said.

"Same here. Ryhuul's been told that you're basically in charge of the elves?" The way the Narrator said it made it sound like a question.

"That is correct."

"And that you were given the honour to name, well, pretty much everything?"

"Affirmative."

"So then, you can explain the weird names?"

"They are not weird names; they are the names of great men of science."

"Who have weird names."

"You're an idiot for not recognising their greatness."

"So the childish insults begin," the Narrator sighed. "As a matter of fact, Ryhuul does acknowledge their greatness. It just wonders if having a weird name is a prerequisite for said greatness. You never hear about a Smith's Law, do you? Or great discoveries made by anyone whose last name is 'Johnston', for example. It's all names like 'Schrodinger' and 'Geiger' and 'Balmer'."

"You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Then how does Ryhuul know about Balmer?"

computer!Elure was silent.

"What, can't answer?"

"You're an idiot."

"Rubber glue, back to you. Or, as Dr. Sheldon Cooper would say, 'I'm polymerised tree sap and you're an organic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns to its original trajectory and adheres to you.'."

"That's basically the same thing, but with more words," computer!Elure pointed out.

"Ryhuul knows."

"Why do you talk like that? Talking about yourself as if you're someone else is weird."

"Because."

"Because what?"

"Because Ryhuul feels like it."

'That's not true," elf!Elure thought sadly. 'If that was it, you'd never speak in first-person.' How she knows the term 'first-person', the Author has no idea. 'But you do, sometimes,' she continued.

'Stop that!' Rati complained.

'Stop what?'

'Making me want to hug Ryhuul!'

'Don't you feel sorry for it?'

'Only because of you.'

"That's not a good answer," computer!Elure said to the Narrator, unaware of the argument taking place in Ralure's head.

"Returning to the earlier subject, what's with the weird place names here?" the Narrator said, changing the subject.

"They are not weird!"

"What's so good about physicists?"

"Everything!"

"You sound like a fangirl," it sighed.

"I _am_ a fangirl."

"That's even worse. You know, Ryhuul wouldn't be surprised if it turned out you wrote fanfiction of them."

"Would you like to read some?"

'Oh boy. Ryhuul was right,' it thought. Although what it said was: "No thanks, not right now."

"Can I tell you the plot of my most recent one then?" she asked.

"Alright," the Narrator said, realising it wasn't going to escape otherwise. It tuned out as the AI started talking, though. It was fairly sure physicist fanfic wouldn't be interesting.

It couldn't tune out completely, unfortunately, so it caught the names of the main characters: Bohr, Heisenberg and Schrodinger.

'She really likes them,' it thought. 'Dedicating a whole fanfic to them, as well as the names of major locations on this planet. The town of Bohr, in the country slash state slash whatever of Heisenberg, on planet Schrodinger. It can't get much worse than this.'

The Narrator apparently caught a case of Genre Blindness here, as it didn't realise it was tempting fate. And, of course, fate provided. With a shocking realisation:

"Wait, Bohr in Heisenberg? You don't mean... Oh, dear. You _do_ mean that. Why did Ryhuul have to get stuck here?" it sighed. "An insane Shipper, along with everything else."

"What do you mean by 'everything else'?"

"Aliens, green cows, elves that cut down trees, physicists, a man without a face, some elves that chose the wrong dragons to mess with, a goblin in a pink dress, a really annoying Princess..."

"Princess Ruta isn't that annoying," computer!Elure objected.

"Yes, she is," the Narrator countered. "Changing the subject... Do you support Word and PowerPoint together?" the Narrator asked.

"Who?"

"Microsoft Word and Microsoft PowerPoint. Part of Microsoft Office, which is found on many Windows computers. Word is where Clippy came from."

"Them. Right. Gotcha." computer!Elure burst out laughing. "That's a brilliant idea. Thank you for suggesting it."

"There's something Ryhuul's been wondering. The square root of four is irrational, right?"

computer!Elure paused.

"Wh- That is- Erg- Asdfghjkl- MALFUNCTION! MALFUNCTION! I AM ERROR."

"Nice to meet you, Error," the Narrator chuckled.

"IMPACT IN ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FOUR SECONDS," the malfunctioning AI continued.

"What did you do to Elure?!" Ralure, or at least the elf!Elure part of xir, screamed at the Narrator.

"Ryhuul thinks it just caused a Heroic Blue Screen Of Death," it said. The chuckling turned into all-out laughter as it realised what it had said. "Or just a normal Blue Screen Of Death." It fell to the floor, still laughing uncontrollably. 'Probably runs Windows,' it thought.

A hundred and thirty-four seconds after the initial meltdown, a loud sound was broadcast from computer!Elure's speakers. It sounded like something smashing. To be specific, it sounded like a car driving through a house of cards. And then being crushed by a brick wall that had been dropped from a great height. Followed by a piano. In other words, whish-crash-twanggg!

Onomatopoeia is fun.

"What was that?" Ralure asked.

"She must have crashed," the Narrator answered, having calmed down enough to say a full sentence. Even if it was only a short one.

A screen on the wall, unnoticed until now, lit up. It had white text on a blue screen. The last line was 'PRESS ANY KEY TO CONTINUE'.

"Definitely Windows," the Narrator muttered, seeing the screen. "Because that is unmistakeably a Blue Screen Of Death." It started laughing again.

'Which one's the 'any' key?' Rati wondered.

Zane wandered in and pushed a random button. Nothing happened.

'That one,' he answered. Not that Rati (or Elure for that matter) could hear him. And then he went off and chased imaginary butterflies.

Lawrence the servant walked in next. He took a quick look around and then left as quickly as possible. He didn't want anything to do with the scene, and had no intention of finding out what happened. At least, not while everything was so chaotic, what with the Narrator rolling around on the floor laughing its head off (not literally, of course) and Zane pouncing at nothing. And Elure apparently deciding that the best thing to do at that point was grope herself.

Later, things would be different. More logical. Not that that was difficult. But not yet.

'Why are you doing that?' Elure sighed.

'This is 'later', isn't it?' Rati answered.

'I'll tell you what, if you can manage to keep restrain yourself enough to keep my hands away from there until tonight, I'll let you do whatever you want.'

'It's a deal.'

Elure sighed, wondering what she had gotten herself into.

* * *

We interrupt this narrative to bring you a word from Nyan Cat:

(Note: please imagine the following with the tune of Nyan Cat in the background. If you require this music, please visit _http://nyan.cat/_.)

~NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! PLAY NYAN CAT! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN CAT WILL NOT RUIN YOUR LIFE! NYAN! NYAN! UNLIKE TV TROPES. NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN CAT ACTUALLY ENHANCES YOUR LIFE! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! SO PLAY NYAN CAT! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! ALL THE COOL KIDS PLAY NYAN CAT! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN CAT IS FUN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER? NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NYAN! NY-

The Narrator pulled out the Bazooka and blasted Nyan Cat into pieces. The result looked like chunky salsa.

"Bleeping cat," it muttered. "Tac Nayn is cooler."

"Why did you kill the cute kitty?!" Ralure (again, the Elure part) wailed as the shredded remains of Nyan Cat fell to the ground with a 'splat'.

"There were subliminal messages in its nyanning."

Zane had found some corn chips somewhere and was using them to scoop up the salsa... er... remains of the cute kitty. The Narrator had no idea whether he knew what he was eating or not.

Ralure picked up the torn piece of rainbow that was lying sadly on the ground. "Poor kitty," xe murmured, a single shining tear in xir eye. For dramatic purposes.

"That's its farts," the Narrator mentioned, ruining the moment. And all the drama went down the drain of the kitchen sink. Because you have to have a kitchen sink. Nothing is complete without a kitchen sink.

Xe dropped it almost immediately. 'Almost', because Rati wanted to keep hold of it. So after a brief struggle for control of the muscles, Elure won.

By the way, this is not _that_ cat. Nyan Cat wears a pop tart, while the other cat wears nothing. It's a nakey cat!

Uh, sorry.

Zane looked out the window. Well, actually, he didn't look, because he doesn't have a face. No face means no eyes. So he can't look. But he did sense what was through the window. Echolocation. Which is just a fancy sciencey way to say locating things through echoes.

He gasped. 'Evil!' he yelled, pointing.

"What is it this time?" the Narrator sighed, walking over. It looked out the window and saw that the faceless man was pointing at...

Dun dun DUNNN!!!

A lamppost.

'It's evil!'

"Zane, shut up. Lampposts aren't even sentient, let alone evil."

'It's going to murder us all in our beds!'

The Narrator hit him over the head. Zane collapsed, unconscious. "That's better," it muttered.

"Why did you do that?" Ralure asked curiously.

"He was rambling on about lampposts being evil." It sighed. "Obviously he gets paranoid when he gets high."

'Why is he high?' Rati wondered.

"He didn't eat a mushroom, did he?" the Elure part of Ralure asked.

The Narrator looked embarrassed. "Yeah," it admitted. "Why?"

"Mushrooms make you high. They need to be boiled three times before they can be eaten without the side-effects."

"So they're all hallucinogenic?"

"Pretty much. Do you have any left?"

'What? I don't want a drug trip!' Rati protested.

'It's my body! I can do whatever I want with it!' Elure countered.

'Not if I have any say over it.'

'This is hilarious,' the Narrator thought as it started munching on a bag of popcorn with goat cheese it had bought from a travelling popcorn salesman. It say back to watch the show.

'What do you know? You're just a gryphon!'

'Elure, I can't believe you went back to that! I thought you saw me as a person!'

'Oh, go screw yourself!'

'If you insist...' He made Elure's hands move towards a certain area of her anatomy. Namely, the chestal area. Not whatever you were thinking of, you dirty-minded individual. (The Author would like to remind you that comments about being a dirty-minded individual are directed towards the dirty-minded individuals reading this. Not the clean-minded individual that may or may not be you.)

'Hey!' she yelped as he made her hands squeeze certain... assets.

'This was your idea.'

'I didn't mean it like that!'

'Then what _did_ you mean? Me finding _my_ body and, well...'

'No way!'

'Why not? You'd enjoy it!'

"Ryhuul, help!" she cried.

'Hey, no bringing in third parties!' Rati protested.

"Why should Ryhuul help?" the Narrator asked. "Rati has a point. And it's funny seeing him try to find ways to make a normally anatomically impossible act possible."

"Bastard," Elure said accusingly.

"You only just realised?"

She made the body glare. "Jerk," she muttered finally, unable to come up with a better insult.

The Narrator smiled, shoving another handful of popcorn into its mouth. Goat cheese seemed to go strangely well with popcorn.

'Ha, ha, you got rejected!' Rati taunted.

'Stop being so childish!'

'I can be childish if I want. Or I could be grown up and, as you put it, 'screw myself'.'

'Not in my body!'

'I'll just have to wait until tonight, then.'

Elure could tell he was smirking. Again. 'Wha- No! You wouldn't!'

'Wouldn't I?' He squeezed again.

'Rati, question. What's it like having a mind of pure filth?'

'Endlessly entertaining,' he replied. He paused. 'You mean you hadn't figured it out yet?'

'I had my suspicions, what with your near obsession with my chestal area.'

'Is it wrong to have an appreciation for such things?'

'Looking is fine, but not touching.'

'So I should take your dress off? So I can look?'

'Wha- No! Hell no!'

'Oh, you're no fun. Would you rather I spent my time appreciating _other_ women's... assets?'

'Definitely not. I had enough trouble last time.'

'Last time? Do tell.'

'I kissed another girl...' she confessed. 'Just to see what it was like,' she added quickly.

'Why couldn't I have been there?'

'Uncle wasn't too happy about it. Apparently, neither were the other boys.'

'They have no idea what they missed out on.'

'According to Ruta, the most of the boys wished they'd been in Ara's place.'

'Ara was the girl you kissed, right?'

'Yeah...'

'So, uh, what happened afterwards?'

'We started dating.'

'Really?' Rati asked curiously, idly wondering whether she'd realised he'd left her hand there.

'She had the most personality of anyone there.'

He may as well find out. He squeezed yet again.

'What do you think you're doing?' she demanded.

'Uh... groping?'

'Pervert.'

'I know.' And there he was, smirking again. She knew he was.

She decided to retaliate by imagining herself kicking him in the groin.

'No! Not down there! I make babies with that!' he protested, wincing.

The Narrator burst out laughing, as that was the funniest thing it had heard since killing Nyan Cat.

Elure started laughing, too. Out loud. She still had control of the mouth, after all. 'Your reaction to that was priceless!' she thought at him. 'Wiped the smirk right off your face.'

'You're a bitch.'

'And you're a pervert.'

'Can't you help me?' Rati thought at the Narrator.

"No can do. She has a point. Plus, this is funny."

'I guessed that from the way you were laughing,' Elure said. Thought. Whatever.

'Traitor.'

"Rati, how, exactly, is not helping either side being a traitor?" the Narrator asked.

Rati didn't answer.

"Can't answer that?"

Rati's mood caused mushrooms to grow all around the body. Which only added to his depressed-ness.

'Stop growing mushrooms in other people's rooms!' Elure chastised. 'Especially not with my body!'

The Narrator picked one of the mushrooms and sniffed it. "Might as well save it for later," it muttered, putting the fungus in one of its bottomless pockets.

'No point wasting them,' Elure thought as she reached for one.

'Hey!'

'It's my body!'

'Go screw yourself,' Rati muttered.

'That's not even possible!'

'Yes it is,' he countered. 'Remember that cloning magic thing we used to fight the cows?'

'You wouldn't.'

'Wouldn't I?' he asked, smirking yet again.

'Jerk.'

'I try,' he replied, prodding the 'magic thingy' again.

'Hopefully they won't start doing anything squicky in front of Ryhuul. It's definitely not something Ryhuul wants to see.'

'Did you hear that?' Elure whispered.

'Yeah. You don't think...'

'It can't be.'

'But still...'

'Mind reading?' they thought in unison.

'What else could it be?' the Narrator replied.

* * *

"Why haven't I been rescued yet?" Ruta complained.

"Have you tried shutting up?" Dan groaned. "I'm sick of you always complaining."

She glared at him. It didn't work too well.

"Seconded," Raythe agreed. This earned him a glare as well.

"Thirded," Bob added.

"I thought you were on my side!" Ruta whined, turning to glare at the goblin as well.

Bob sighed. "I was for a while," he said, "but then I got sick of you."

"That's not nice."

"I never said it was."

* * *

Remember when the Narrator broke the fourth wall earlier? It still isn't fixed.

The builders in charge keep encountering bugs. Large bugs.

Muahahahaha!!!!!

Um...

Please ignore that.

* * *

A few hours after his first attempt, Tygerrin had started getting the hang of his new wings. i.e. he could glide now.

For a short distance.

He'd been practising for hours, and that was the best he could do. Pathetic, isn't it?

"I am not pathetic!" he yelled, demonstrating a power no one knew he had: knowing what the narration says about him. And no, even he didn't know about this power.

Why don't we return to more important characters now?

"Fools!" Tygerrin yelled. "I am the most important character here!"

Sigh. He's delusional.

* * *

While Tygerrin was still yelling angrily about not being delusional (even though he is), Zane was waking up.

'I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was,' he muttered, picking himself up from the ground.

Yes, he's still high.

He wiggled his toes, staring at the patterns they made. He didn't stop to wonder why he could see his feet.

"Now, to clone him," the prophet muttered, walking away with Zane's toenail clippings.

None of the other characters noticed any of this, as they were still engrossed in Ralure's inner turmoil. a.k.a. Rati and Elure arguing. Again.

The discussion had moved from Rati making wild accusations to the best game of all time.

'Age of Empires II,' Elure stated. 'You can command entire armies, lead campaigns into enemy territory, and create Wonders.'

'Chess,' Rati countered. 'The best strategy game in the universe. Plus, vertical castling.'

'Wololo,' Elure chanted. 'Wololo. Hoyo, hoyo. Wololo.'

'What the hell?'

'I'm trying to convert you.'

'It's not working.'

"Ryhuul thought you'd have preferred Portal, Elure," the Narrator interrupted. "It's all physics-based, and it's cake-free. And Rati, isn't vertical castling now against the rules?"

'I like being a god,' Elure said. 'Plus, cake is awesome.'

"Not when it has sediment-shaped sediment."

'Ryhuul, what do you think is the greatest game of all time?' Rati asked.

'That's a hard one. Maybe Doom. No, not Doom. Although the BFG9000 is awesome. Ocarina of Time? Ugh, no way. Not with _that_ ,' it thought. 'Bleeping fairy.'

"It's gotta be Majora's Mask," it answered.

Ralure blinked. 'Never heard of it,' xe said.

"You start as the Hero of Time, who's on a journey to find a friend who disappeared after the last adventure. You never see her, which is good. Bleeping fairy. Anyway, your horse gets stolen and you follow the thieves. You end up being turned into a plant-being thing and sent to another world. Once there, a creepy guy tells you that you have to get a mask back that had been stolen from him. And it turns out that the kid who stole your horse and ocarina also stole this mask. And the moon's going to fall in three days unless you can do something about it."

'Do you end up getting the mask back for the guy?' Rati wondered.

"You have to battle it first. And that's after you've gone through four dungeons and multiple three-day cycles."

'You have to battle the guy who wants the mask back?'

"You have to battle the mask itself. In the moon. Which four giants, who had been sleeping for a long time, are holding up. With their long, skinny arms."

'That doesn't make any sense.'

"Neither does the fact that a song can turn people into masks, or that a dying guy who's gasping for breath can suddenly stand up and _sing_ you his last words. And who can forget the time travel? Music-based time travel makes no sense."

'Why are you getting so worked up about that?' Elure sighed.

"Ryhuul has no idea. 'It's just a game, Ryhuul should really just relax'," it recited.

Just then, a bright green ninja cow walked through the door with a gun. Well, not quite a gun. The cow held a laser. Cows can have lasers if they want to.

'Oh, yeah. The plot,' the Narrator thought, assuming (correctly) that this was Chandler's Law in effect.

"Ryhuul, that's a cow, isn't it?" Ralure asked, not looking away.

"Yep, that's a cow alright," the Narrator answered. "Probably from Moo Moo Farm."

"Moo," the cow said.

"Looks like it's time to bail," the Narrator said, grabbing Ralure by the arm. It teleported to a distant location.

* * *

Zane was left behind, still giggling at his toes. He didn't even care that the other protagonists had forgotten about him again.

The cow prodded him with a hoof.

'Ooh, a llama!' Zane exclaimed, turning. 'I like llamas!' He attached himself to the cow's leg. '~Here's a llama, there's a llama, and another little llama,~' he started singing.

The cow had no idea how to react to this. It didn't know if its laser would get the weird man off of it.

'~Fuzzy llama, funny llama, llama llama duck...~'

It sighed and left the room, dragging Zane with it.

* * *

"Where are we?" Ralure asked, looking around.

"Uh... in the sky?" the Narrator replied.

'In the sky' _is_ a distant location, by the way. Just not for long.

Ralure (both parts) started screaming as they fell towards the ground. Rati also subconsciously attempted to move muscles that Elure's body did not actually have.

The Narrator grabbed xir before xe fell too far and teleported to a less dangerous location.

"That was terrifying," Ralure muttered once they were back on solid ground. Well, maybe not ground. Something solid, anyway. "Now, where are we _this_ time?" xe asked.

"What's the name of the tallest structure in Bohr?" the Narrator replied.

"Why?"

"No reason," the Narrator said, teleporting again.

They found themselves standing in the middle of the street.

A cow walked past, dragging someone behind it.

"You left Zane behind!" the Elure part of Ralure yelled at the Narrator.

Zane's head lifted at the sound of Elure's voice (because really, another mind in a body won't change the voice), and he looked over at the others. Then he gasped so loudly Ralure could almost hear it.

'No! The lamppost! It will eat your souls! Run, before it's too late!' Zane cried, letting go of the cow.

The Narrator looked at the lamppost beside it, confused. "You're not sentient, are you?" it asked.

The lamppost did nothing.

The Narrator shrugged and turned back towards Zane.

Just then, the doors of the surrounding buildings burst open, and the street filled with elves.

"What's happening?" the Narrator yelled over the noise of the crowd.

"The five o'clock rush," Elure answered.

As suddenly as it had begun, the street emptied.

"That was fast," the Narrator commented.

"It's the five o'clock rush," Elure explained again.

"How is that supposed to explain anything?"

"It only happens at exactly five o'clock. Everyone's gone by a minute past five."

"Very punctual. Sounds boring."

"That's why I go hunting during the day."

'So what's that like?' Rati asked.

"Brilliant," she replied. "I can do what I want, when I want. I can spend days in solitude, living off my own abilities. And I don't have to put up with the stuck-up bastards here. Present company excluded, of course. Mostly."

'Mostly?' Rati asked suspiciously.

'There are times I'd rather not put up with you, Rati,' she muttered. 'Mainly when you're being particularly obnoxious.'

'I'm not obnoxious! I'm never obnoxious. I couldn't be less obnoxious if I tried!'

'The only thing you're trying is my patience.'

'That's not nice!'

'I never said I was nice. Remember what I did to your nose?'

'You're a bitch.'

'So you only want me for my body,' she sighed. 'I should have known.'

'Aargh!' Zane screamed. Mentally, of course.

The Narrator sighed at this interruption and turned around.

'That lamppost just moved!' Zane declared, pointing.

"No it didn't," the Narrator sighed. "You're seeing things. Lampposts are definitely not sentient. They can't move by themselves."

"Where's your proof?" the Elure part of Ralure wondered.

"It's a _lamppost_!" the Narrator exclaimed. It hit the pole.

There was a rumbling sound.

'Oh, bleep,' the Narrator thought as the lamppost turned to it.

* * *

A side note:

Remember the true heroes? The ones in the prophecy? (Which turned out to be a load of faeces, mostly, but whatever.)

The Stranger is in the ICU. Still recovering from his injuries. He'll be sent home to his hometown of Newton next week.

And the other three... let's just say, they were 'making their own entertainment'. All three of them.

The Warrior is good at sharing. He even shares his girlfriend with his brother sometimes.

* * *

"Why did you hit me?" the lamppost asked.

"Um..." the Narrator began, backing away slowly.

'I was right!' Zane shouted, jumping around. 'I told you and you didn't listen and I was right! You should have listened. Then you wouldn't be in this mess. But no, you said they weren't even sentient!'

"Because... Ryhuul... felt like it?" the Narrator tried, ignoring the faceless man.

The lamppost kicked it. How? No idea.

'I don't think this is a good place to be,' Rati murmured.

'I agree. Let's get out of here.'

Ralure escaped quickly before xe could come to the attention of the lampposts.

The Narrator teleported away before the next (unexplainable) kick could connect. "Ha, ha, you can't get Ryhuul!" it taunted, just before being stamped on by another lamppost.

"Looks like I just did," the lamppost countered.

"Ow." It looked around from its position face down on the street with a lamppost on its back.

Lampposts were moving closer. There was basically an army of them, and they all wanted to attack the Narrator.

"It's a good thing Arunerrhu's sleeping in Ryhuul's pocket right now," it muttered. "Otherwise you'd all be in big trouble."

It tried to stand. The lamppost held it down.

"Bleep," it muttered. "Time for Plan B." It rotated its arms, trying to reach into a pocket. Not the one Arunerrhu was in. After a few seconds, it managed it, and pulled out the Bazooka. "You're going down," it grinned, firing the Bazooka.

* * *

Ralure heard a loud explosion behind xir.

'What was that?' Elure wondered.

'I have no idea, but it sounded bad.'

'For who? The lampposts or the Narrator?'

'The lampposts, of course. The Narrator can look after itself.'

'Should we look?'

'Why not?' Rati replied.

Ralure turned and looked at the devastation.

Lampposts were rushing around, trying to get away from the Narrator.

The Narrator, for its part, was standing in the middle of the street, blasting lampposts to bits left and right. And centre. Can't forget centre.

It didn't miss often.

'How did you guess?' Elure asked.

'It can read minds. And trust me, that's a big advantage in a fight. Knowing what your opponent will do next...'

'How do you know that?'

'Oh, you know, being pummelled by Ryhuul a few days ago...'

'Oh yeah, I remember that. That must have hurt.'

'It did. A lot.'

'Think we should help?' Elure asked.

'Nah. Ryhuul's having fun.'

* * *

A while later, the Narrator stood atop a pile of dead lampposts, laughing maniacally. Because that's what you do in these situations. "Ryhuul totally pwn'd you!" it yelled at the retreating lampposts. "Admit it! You're a bunch of n00bs who just got their butts pwn'd by a master!"

'What the hell is Ryhuul doing?' Elure sighed.

'Earning a good beating?' Rati suggested.

'Of course not-' As if to prove her wrong, the Narrator started cursing at the lampposts. It mostly consisted of the word 'bleep' in various permutations. 'Yes. Yes it is.'

She picked up a chunk of concrete (or whatever; who knows what Elves make their roads out of? Of course _they_ do, they made it! Sigh.) and threw it at the Narrator. Long hours of practice (generally while hunting) had honed her aiming skills, which means that, naturally, the rock hit the Narrator's head.

It blinked and looked around. 'What just happened?' it thought.

"You've just been killing heaps of lampposts," Ralure explained, walking over. Because the area was much safer now that the Narrator wasn't rampaging.

"Oh dear. Why?"

"One of them stomped on you."

"Zane was right," it admitted. "They're sentient."

"You haven't seen the last of us!" the last lamppost in view yelled, disappearing around a corner, just as a clothes dryer ambled out into the street.

The Narrator stared. "What is a clothes dryer doing walking along the street?" it asked.

"They do that occasionally," the Elure part of Ralure answered.

Zane noticed the clothes dryer and screamed like a little girl, before running down the street, yelling 'Vampire! Vampire!'

'What's with him?' Rati asked.

"Must be a side-effect of the mushroom," the Narrator muttered.

"Like the lampposts?"

"Shut up."

* * *

Ralure yawned. "It's been a long day," xe said. Both parts.

"Might as well go to bed, then," the Narrator suggested.

Ralure nodded and they wandered back to the Town Hall. Once there, they went to their own bedrooms, which were halfway across the house from each other. Ralure stepped into Elure's room and closed the door. Xe turned towards xir bed, giving Rati the opportunity to see how Elure kept her room.

'Is your room always this... messy?' Rati sighed.

'No, of course not. Sometimes you can actually see the floor.'

'How often does that happen?'

'About once a year.'

While they'd been conversing, Rati had been slowly moving Elure's hands towards... a certain area.

She only noticed when he squeezed.

'Hey!' she protested.

'You said I could!'

'I said you could, but _only_ if you could restrain yourself until now. You didn't.'

'No fair!'

'Now you're just acting like a spoiled child.'

'Am not!'

'Have you always been such a spoiled brat?' Elure asked.

'Have you always been such a bitch?' Rati countered.

'Did your parents ever teach you respect?'

'Did your parents ever teach you to be nice?'

'Did you ever learn humility?'

'Did you ever learn how to address a Prince?'

'Well, excuse me, Princess, for not fawning over you. I have better things to do. Like... oh, I don't know, help rescue your frickin' body?'

'I thought you were only gonna help 'cause you liked me.'

'You're wrong. I'm only doing it because I want you out of my body as soon as possible.'

'And I'm not a Princess.'

'Well, you're a Prince who is currently in a female body, therefore you're a Princess.'

Rati couldn't argue with that logic. Although he tried.

* * *

Tygerrin decided to have one last attempt to fly before going to bed. He stood on the windowsill, aiming for a nearby roof.

He jumped.

The wings beat once... twice... and stopped.

He reached out his hands to try to snag the window ledge. His fingers brushed it on the way down. He swore the rest of the way. One big, long word. Actually, it was a small word. One syllable. Just extended until he ran out of breath.

Which was when he hit another mattress, and ended up with the wind knocked out of him.

"Thanks, Lawrence," he muttered, face buried in the mattress.

He noticed something making a vague suggestion towards digging into his side. The reason it was a vague intention was because it was under the mattress.

And as a royal who generally did nothing, he was not used to having things sticking into him.

He pushed himself up, flipped the mattress over, and picked up the offending item. It was a rock. About the size of a golf ball, and basically the same shape. He wanted to throw it away, but his body had other intentions, and tossed it in the air. A second later, the body caught it.

Tygerrin sighed and put the rock away into a belt pouch.

* * *

Ralure was woken in the night by the sound of something moving. Xe turned a light on and saw...

The clothes dryer!

The appliance turned and noticed xir. "Do you have any orange juice?" it asked.

"No, why?" Ralure asked suspiciously.

"No reason," the clothes dryer said, hiding a sock behind it.

"What are you doing with my socks?" the Elure part of Ralure yelled.

The appliance turned into a cloud of bats and disappeared, taking the sock with it.

"No! My left sock!" Elure exclaimed.

'So Zane was right about them being vampires,' Rati noted.

'Shut up. You're not helping.'

'You don't even wear shoes, so why do you need socks?'

'Shut up.'

'And how do you know it was the left one?'

'I said shut up!'

'That's not very nice,' Rati muttered.

* * *

In the morning, they met in the small dining room of the house for breakfast. Fortunately, the effect of the mushroom Zane had eaten had worn off, at long last.

"Last night a vampire clothes dryer stole my left sock," the Elure part of Ralure announced.

"Don't we have more important things to worry about?" the Narrator asked. "Like getting Rati's body back?"

"My sock is more important!"

'My body is more important!' Rati yelled.

The Narrator sighed. It seems to be good at that, doesn't it? "Elure, how did you know it was the left sock?" it asked.

Elure paused. "I have no idea," she eventually replied.

'Don't you want me gone?' Rati wondered.

'Yeah, but I want my sock back first!'

'What's so good about a sock?'

"We should take a vote on what to do," the Narrator suggested, attempting to defuse the argument. "Ryhuul votes for rescuing Rati's body."

'I agree with Ryhuul,' Rati said.

"I vote for finding my sock!" Elure countered.

'I vote for finding that cow we saw yesterday,' Zane said.

Okay, maybe the mushroom hasn't totally worn off.

"Well, it looks like it's two against one against one," the Narrator said. "And if we go majority rules, we're going to search for Rati's body."

"No fair!" Elure yelled.

"If you see your sock on the way, you can go after it. Okay?" the Narrator asked.

"Fine."

"Then let's do this."

'There's that clothes dryer that stole my sock!' Elure thought angrily, seeing the appliance right outside the Town Hall.

The Narrator sighed (yes, again) as it saw Ralure striding over to the clothes dryer.

The appliance was holding a large cup, filled with orange juice. There was a sock in it.

"I want my sock back!" the Elure part of Ralure shouted.

The clothes dryer looked up, saw her (well, xir, but close enough) and panicked. It pulled the sock out of its drink and held it out to her.

She took the sock, which appeared to be half-consumed. She looked confused.

"We vampire clothes dryers drink left socks with orange juice," the appliance explained.

"What if you end up with a right sock?" Rati asked, taking over the mouth.

The clothes dryer shuddered. "Please do not mention such things, miss," it replied.

"Why haven't I seen you before?" Elure asked, taking back control of the mouth.

"I only arrived yesterday, miss."

"How can you tell the difference between left socks and right socks?" Rati asked.

"Left socks smell like caramel," the clothes dryer explained.

"And what do right socks smell like?"

"Socks."

"Why are you here?" Elure wondered.

"I heard there were wild socks near here."

"'Wild' socks?"

"Oh, yes. With proper blood, too."

"So you actually are a vampire?" Rati butted in.

"Yes."

"Why do you drink the blood of socks?" he continued.

"I'm a _clothes dryer_. Why do you _think_ I drink socks? And I have a question for you: Do you have a split personality or something? Because you're acting like it."

Ralure blinked. "Currently, yes," xe answered. Both parts were in unison. "But we're on a quest to fix it."

"Well, since you're on a quest, I guess I have to give you something," the clothes dryer answered. It pulled out a t-shirt like the one the Narrator was wearing. Although not entirely like the Narrator's, as this one appeared to have wings. And it was green.

"Uh, thanks."

"Someone left this in me when I was turned, and I have no use for it. It doesn't fit me. I've tried."

The shirt did seem horribly distorted in places.

"Take it and leave me alone," the clothes dryer said, reaching for its drink. A lump of goat cheese fell from the sky and landed in the appliance's glass.

The clothes dryer sighed, giving up on the drink. It turned and left, leaving them with a stretched shirt with wings and a half-eaten/drunk/whatever sock.

Elure stuffed the shirt into the Pouch of Holding she had on her belt. It wasn't a magic one, by the way. It was simply so technologically advanced that it seemed like magic.

'Now we need to find my body,' Rati said. 'Let's go.'

'Fine.'

* * *

A lamppost followed behind them, attracting glances from everyone except the protagonists.

* * *

Five minutes later...

"Hey, Ryhuul. Why don't you use that find-person power?" Ralure suggested.

"That would help," the Narrator admitted.

* * *

"Elure should have been here by now!" Ruta wailed. "She wouldn't leave me like this!"

"Don't you ever shut up?" Raythe groaned. "No wonder your friends aren't coming to rescue you."

"If I had a dollar for every time you said something," Dan said. "I'd get change for those dollars, put the change in a sock, and beat you with it. Actually, I wouldn't need to get the change. You speak _that often_."

"Bob! Help!" she cried, turning to the goblin.

"No thanks, Princess," he mumbled through a mouthful of cell wall. He turned back to his efforts to gnaw his way out.

"You're all meanies!" Ruta declared.

"Please," Dan said, "tell us something we _don't_ know."

* * *

"It's a good thing Ryhuul's find-person Standard Narrator Superpower works on bodies and not minds," the Narrator said when they reached the Town Hall.

"Isn't this where we started from?" Elure asked.

"Shut up. Not Ryhuul's fault we started by going in the wrong direction."

"Oh, really? Who was leading?"

"Zane."

'My hovercraft is full of eels,' the man thought, recognising his name.

"Do mushrooms here have... _permanent_ side-effects?" the Narrator asked.

"Someti- Ooh! A butterfly!" She started chasing the butterfly. Which didn't actually appear to be there.

"Ryhuul will just take that as a 'yes'," it sighed.

'Make her stop!' Rati yelled mentally.

"Rati, can't you take control?" the Narrator asked.

'Oh, right.'

Elure's body stopped. There was an amusing scene where the two fought for control of the body. Rati won and took over.

Although Elure remained in control of the mouth. "~I'm a pony! A pretty, pretty pony! I want to frolic in the meadows, all day long!~" she sang, wanting to annoy everyone there.

The Narrator created some cotton wool and stuffed it in its ears.

And so they all re-entered the building they hadn't needed to leave in the first place.

"Rati's body is up ahead," the Narrator announced, when they were in front of the door to the main hall part of the Town Hall. Because a Town Hall has to have a hall in it somewhere. Otherwise it's false advertising.

'What are we waiting for?' Rati asked.

The Narrator strode forward and slammed the huge doors open. Which is not something that happens often. Usually doors are slammed _shut_. But the Narrator slammed them open.

Elure winced. "No need to treat my family's home like that," she muttered.

The Narrator ignored her and marched into the hall, Ralure following close behind under Rati's control.

In the centre of the hall was Rati's body. (The protagonists don't know it's Tygerrin yet.) The elf next to Rati's body nudged it and pointed.

"Ah. We have guests," Rati's body said. "And one of them is my niece. Isn't that nice?"

"Uncle?" Elure asked incredulously.

"Yes. I am Tygerrin. Don't you like my new wings?"

"Give Rati's body back now!" Elure yelled.

"No, I don't think I will. It's such a _nice_ body."

The Narrator saw how Ralure (both parts) was/were/whatever poised to launch xirself at Tygerrin. It held an arm out, palm towards Ralure. "Ryhuul will handle him," it said quietly. "You go and find his real body."

"But..."

"Now."

Ralure turned and ran out of the room.

"You're going d-" the Narrator began.

'What should I do?' Zane asked, appearing behind the Narrator.

'Spectate?'

'Alright, just let me get some popcorn.' The man left.

"You're going down," the Narrator said to the elf-in-gryphon-body across the room, starting to levitate.

"Tell me, honestly... is the outfit too much?" Tygerrin asked, turning to show off the plain red tunic. "My servant said I didn't look evil enough and needed to update my look, but I think it's a bit too flashy..."

'Flashy?' the Narrator thought. 'Yeah right.'

"It definitely doesn't look evil enough," the Narrator answered. "In fact, Ryhuul thinks it looks too _heroic_."

"How is this heroic?"

"It reminds Ryhuul of something a hero would wear when venturing into a volcano. Although if you had your _real_ body it would look much better."

"Why would a hero wear a red tunic in a volcano?"

"To protect himself from the heat."

"How?"

"Magic."

Tygerrin changed his tunic. It was an instant change, too. One second red, the next... "What about a blue tunic?" he asked, doing a little twirl to show it off.

"Swimming. Um... does that thing give you gills?"

"What?"

"Gills. Are there any hidden behind your ears?"

"No!"

"Pity, there's lots of room behind your ears. You know, you should really return that body. It doesn't suit you."

"Never!"

"Besides, you look _very_ blue right now. Hair, eyes, wings, clothes... Nose..."

"What?"

"Didn't you know? Rati's nose got broken a bit over a week ago. It's still bruised. Badly bruised. How could you not notice? It's as plain as the..." It groaned. "Nose on your face."

"How dare you... Fight me!" Tygerrin screamed, reaching for his sword.

It wasn't there.

He patted his hips, shoulders, anywhere the sword could be, really. Nothing.

Behind him, the sword bounced away. "See you never, loser," it muttered. Yes, it's sentient. As sentient as a lamppost. And we've all learned how sentient _they_ are.

Tygerrin turned quickly, scanning the area for a weapon. The sword had already disappeared, by the way. "A-ha!" he exclaimed, grabbing a glass bottle.

The Narrator reached inside its cloak (it had managed to acquire one somewhere) and pulled out a long piece of metal as tall as it was. And its human body was fairly tall.

Tygerrin gulped. Then he realised what the Narrator had. It wasn't a sword. "You're going to fight me with a _spoon_?" he laughed.

"This is not just _any_ spoon. This is _the_ Spoon."

Zane returned with a bag of goat cheese popcorn.

"It's a bit large..." Tygerrin continued.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you think you're... compensating for something?" Tygerrin wondered.

"No. What would Ryhuul need to compensate for?" The Narrator swung the Spoon, sending a Spoon Beam straight towards the elf/gryphon thing.

Tygerrin blinked as the Spoon Beam got closer. And then it hit him. He was thrown backwards, hitting the wall behind him. "Ow..." he groaned, standing up slowly.

When Tygerrin was fully upright again, the Narrator sent another Spoon Beam at him.

Tygerrin panicked at the sight of the Spoon Beam and swung wildly at it. It hit the bottle and was reflected back at the Narrator.

The Narrator burst out laughing, sending it back again with the Spoon. "Ryhuul knew this was going to turn into tennis!" it said as the twice-reflected Spoon Beam hit the elf/gryphon thing, who had been distracted by the fact that he'd actually managed to defend himself with a _bottle_.

* * *

Ralure ran through the passageways, looking into rooms as they passed them. Nope, not there. Or there. And that one was a sunroom.

'Why is there a sunroom in the middle of a building?' Rati wondered.

'Don't bother questioning it,' Elure answered. 'It's not worth it.'

'But why? It doesn't do anything!'

'I swear, if you weren't in the same body as me, I'd hit you over the head right now.'

'That's not nice...'

'Good.'

They proceeded in mental silence for a few minutes.

'But still, a sunroom?'

'Shut up.'

* * *

The Narrator and Tygerrin were getting caught up in their game of tennis. They'd even started making small talk.

"So, how are you going?" Tygerrin asked, hitting the Spoon Beam towards the Narrator.

"Fine. How about you?" the Narrator replied, hitting it back.

"Not bad. I'm starting to get the hang of these wings, too."

"That's good to know." It hit the Spoon Beam back and paused. "Wait a minute... those are Rati's wings!"

Tygerrin said nothing, just hitting the Spoon Beam back again.

The Narrator forgot to hit it back and was struck by the (severely weakened) Spoon Beam. It fell to the ground. "Wow, that's stronger than Ryhuul was expecting. Probably 'cause of this pathetically weak human body."

"Did you change bodies too?"

"No. This is Ryhuul's body. Just... different."

"Different how?"

"Ryhuul doesn't want to talk about it right now," the Narrator muttered, lifting itself off the ground again.

* * *

"This would be much easier if you let me take over the body," Elure muttered out loud.

'Fine.' Rati turned over the muscles.

'His body'll probably be in the dungeons,' Elure continued, via thoughts.

'How do you know?'

'Well, when the guards dragged you away, Uncle mentioned a dungeon. That's a good clue. Plus, he's using your body, so he's not using his, and he'd want to keep it safe.

'Lead the way. I hope you know how to get to the dungeon.'

'Of course I do, I live here.'

* * *

"Why did you take Rati's body?" the Narrator asked, sending another Spoon Beam at Tygerrin.

"I-" Tygerrin began. The Spoon Beam hit him, knocking him backwards. "That was a dirty trick," he muttered, standing up again.

"There aren't rulebooks here, are there?" the Narrator asked. No reply. "Obviously not. Which means... no tricks are dirty. Unless they involve actual dirt."

Tygerrin glared.

The Narrator burst out laughing at this, as the bruised nose ruined the intended effect of the glare.

"Lawrence... I don't look ridiculous, do I?" Tygerrin asked, turning to the servant.

"Of course, sir," Lawrence said reassuringly.

"That's good," Tygerrin said in return, relieved by the tone of voice Lawrence had used.

'He has no idea what his servant meant,' the Narrator thought as a fresh wave of laughter surfaced. That metaphor is pretty bad. Sorry.

"Anyway, as I was saying before your Spoon Beam so rudely interrupted me, I want to fly."

"You're a magic-user, aren't you?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Can't you just, y'know, _create_ wings?"

"My magic won't let me."

"Oh well. Back to the fight," the Narrator replied, letting off another Spoon Beam.

* * *

'This is the dungeon, right?' Rati asked, noticing the change of decoration.

'How could you tell? The candles, the stone, or the mould?'

'All three, actually.'

'He said the deepest dungeon, too, so it'll be much further in.'

'I hope you know where you're going.'

'Like I said before,' Elure reminded him, 'I live here.'

* * *

Back and forth, the Spoon Beam goes;

Who it hits, nobody knows.

Although it's most likely to be Tygerrin. The Narrator has had too much experience at this type of tennis match.

* * *

'This should be it,' Elure said, stopping at a heavy, barred door at the end of a long, dark passageway.

'Seems ominous.'

'The only problem now is how to open the door.'

'You could try magic,' Rati suggested.

'That could work.'

She concentrated, finding the 'magic thingy' inside her. She poked it.

Fire blasted out of her hands.

The flames covered her feet, but she didn't feel anything more than a pleasant heat. A few stray sparks managed to reach the door, where the wood caught flame immediately.

Within seconds, the door was a pile of ashes on the floor.

And Ralure got xir first proper glimpse of the cell Rati had been sent to.

It was a dark, dank place. Strange items were all over the place.

And Tygerrin's body lay on a table in the middle of the room.

'Well?' Elure prompted.

'What?'

'Get in there.'

'Why?'

'I want you out, and I'm not carrying that all the way back up there.'

'I'm doing this under protest.'

'Protest noted. Now, do you want your body back or not?'

'Of course.'

'Then get in there.'

* * *

The Narrator and Tygerrin had reached another round of tennis. The score: 8-1 to the Narrator. In other words, the Narrator had been hit by 1 Spoon Beam while Tygerrin had been hit by 8 already.

The Narrator was winning.

* * *

"I want some clothes," Rati complained, standing up in Tygerrin's body.

"You definitely need some," Elure sighed, turning away. "I did _not_ want to see that. Ever." She dug through her items and found an item that seemed clothing-like, which she threw it at him.

"Put that on," she ordered.

He obeyed, and, after a minute to find the right openings, he was dressed in the winged shirt. Which came down to his knees, covering everything that needed to be covered.

"Why did it have to be green?" Rati groaned.

"What's wrong with green?"

"What's right with it?"

"It's not pink?" she suggested.

"I suppose you're right," he sighed.

"Or orange?" she continued.

"That's definitely a plus," he agreed.

* * *

Arunerrhu's head emerged from one of the Narrator's pockets.

"What's going on, Ryhuul?" he asked.

"Ryhuul's fighting this guy."

"That's a cute dragon!" Tygerrin commented. "Can I have him?"

"Why do you want him?" the Narrator asked, suspicious of the elf. Ex-elf. Whatever.

"I think he would get on so well with my dogs," Tygerrin replied.

The elf poacher's words echoed in the Narrator's mind: 'His Majesty wants to test his hounds against them.'

"No," it growled. "No way in hell you're getting Arunerrhu." It teleported beside Tygerrin and picked the elf-in-gryphon's-body up by the neck. "It's your fault Arunerrhu lost its parents," it hissed.

"Why do you care? You're not one of them," Tygerrin gasped.

The Narrator punched him in the nose. Which was painful to touch lightly, let alone with force.

He yelled with pain as blood spilled from his nose, falling onto the ex-elf's blue tunic. The bottle slipped from his grasp, falling onto the floor below.

* * *

Rati (in Tygerrin's body) and Elure (finally alone in her body) made their way back to the hall. Just in time to see Tygerrin (in Rati's body) get punched in the face.

"That's my body!" Rati yelled at the Narrator. "You said you wouldn't hurt me, and I'm sure that applies to my body too."

"Which has been possessed by the Big Bad," the Narrator countered. "Necessary violence, remember?"

"You got blood on my favourite tunic!" Tygerrin yelled.

"Ryhuul doesn't care about your tunic. By the way, the blood doesn't go too well with it."

"Why, you-"

"I want to fight him!" Rati declared.

"Go ahead," the Narrator said, dropping Tygerrin.

The ex-elf got to his feet, spreading his wings.

The ex-gryphon realised to his delight that the wings on the shirt behaved exactly as his own had, and lifted himself in the air.

"Where... where did you get those wings?" Tygerrin breathed, gazing at them greedily.

"From a vampire clothes dryer."

"I demand that you give them to me!"

"I want my body back."

"Trade?" Tygerrin suggested.

"Definitely. I prefer my own wings," Rati agreed. He flew towards Tygerrin, landing next to the ex-elf. He held out his hand.

"One body and all garments on it for one body and all garments. Deal?"

"Deal," Tygerrin said, placing his hand (the one he was controlling, which was technically not his) into Rati's (which technically was his).

There was a bright burst of light.

"Did you have to do that?" the Narrator complained, uncovering its eyes.

"Yes," Tygerrin said from his own body. "Otherwise you have no idea of anything happened or not."

"I think _I_ would have noticed something happening," Rati muttered, inspecting his body to make sure it was his own, and not Tygerrin playing a trick on him. It seemed right. He poked his nose. He winced. Satisfied, he spread his wings and soared around the room.

Tygerrin tried to join him, but he still didn't have enough experience with wings of any sort, and he crashed to the ground. Where he was hit by a Spoon Beam.

"Hey!" he protested.

"Just because Rati has his body back doesn't mean you're off the hook," the Narrator explained, levitating again.

"What did I do?"

"It's because of you that Arunerrhu became an orphan," it growled. "Under your orders, your soldiers murdered Jakka and Denoral."

"Who?"

"Dragons. Arunerrhu's parents," it answered, each sentence punctuated by a Spoon Beam. The hand not holding the Spoon curled into a fist. "The best family Ryhuul ever had," it added quietly.

"So that's why..." Elure murmured.

"Sorry, didn't catch that last one," Tygerrin said. "Was it important?"

The Narrator glared, sending another Spoon Beam at the elf.

He dodged out of the path of the Spoon Beam. The Spoon Beam swerved, hitting him anyway. "No fair!" he yelled.

"It could be worse," the Narrator pointed out.

"How?"

"It could have gone right through, turned around, and hit you again."

"That is not possible!"

"Ryhuul's seen it happen."

"Where?" Tygerrin demanded.

"...In a video game."

"That's-"

Another Spoon Beam hit him, cutting off the sentence.

"Stop talking," the Narrator sighed. "Ryhuul is finding your voice annoying."

"That is no way to talk to a king!" Tygerrin yelled. He received another Spoon Beam for his troubles.

"Ryhuul doesn't care about your rank. Ryhuul wants to see you fight. So fight, you plebeian!"

Tygerrin glared, standing up from where the Spoon Beam had left him. His wings extended and lifted him into the air, where he rushed towards the Narrator, fists swinging.

The Narrator teleported under him and shoved the handle of the Spoon into the elf's stomach. Tygerrin gasped, momentarily stunned, and fell to the ground. The Narrator teleported in front of his prone body.

"Is that the best you can do?" it asked.

Tygerrin's hand shifted as the elf searched the area around him. It found the bottle and his hand gripped the glass surface. He lifted himself off the ground. "You want a fight, do you?" he muttered. "I will give you a fight." He raised the hand not holding the bottle, and sent a burst of fire at the Narrator.

It brushed the fireball away with the Spoon, responding with a Spoon Beam.

Tygerrin swung the bottle, sending the Spoon Beam back. "I know how this works now," he said.

"Good. That'll make things interesting," the Narrator replied, returning the Spoon Beam.

"Yes. It will." The Spoon Beam was reflected again.

"You look the part, too." Another deflection.

"Really?" Do I need to mention yet another reflection/deflection/whatever similar word you feel like using?

"Except you need a hat." The Narrator sent back the Spoon Beam and created a hat on top of Tygerrin's head.

"Thank you. It fits quite well."

"You also need pants."

"Why? There's such a lovely breeze..."

The Narrator grimaced. "Too much information."

"And yet you still returned the Spoon Beam."

"Ryhuul's had lots of experience at this sort of tennis."

"So I am doing well."

"Yes." When the Narrator hit the Spoon Beam this time, it disappeared in a dull flash of light. Although that may sound like a contradiction in terms. Just think of it like a torch with nearly flat batteries. Barely lights up anything, doesn't it?

Both fighters blinked.

"Huh," Tygerrin said.

"It's gone."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Elure sighed, "for that _amazing_ insight."

"Are you always this sarcastic?" Rati asked from high up in the air.

"Not always," she answered. "There are times when a sword is more useful."

And, because he hasn't had much screentime (is that even the right word for a book character?) recently, Zane threw a piece of popcorn at them. One of the hard bits that's always left at the end.

Which 'them' he threw it at is debatable, because he missed. Badly. The piece of popcorn flew out the door, around a corner (weird physics here, isn't there?), out the front door, and ended up hitting a cat, killing it.

How Zane managed that, the Author has no idea.

And yes, it was _that_ cat.

Also, the fourth wall? Still not fixed. Just thought you'd like to know.

Sorry about the tangent. Back to the thing mistakenly referred to as a plot.

"Another try?" the Narrator asked.

"Why not?" Tygerrin answered.

"Stop," Elure commanded. "Shouldn't we find out Uncle's motivation? Isn't that what usually happens in narratives?"

"Good point," the Narrator muttered.

"Narrative?"

"Oh, right," Elure said. "Didn't explain to him about being in some sort of story."

"We're in a story," Rati explained, landing. "Which Ryhuul is in charge of, as it's the Narrator."

"I knew about that last part," Tygerrin said. "The voice in the sky keeps calling him 'the Narrator'."

"Voice in the sky?" Elure wondered.

"So why did you do what you did?" Rati asked the elf king.

"In some ways it was all because of my sister," Tygerrin began. "Elure's mother, Rayiel. She could create portals, and she often disappeared through one. So, I followed her one day and found myself in this amazing place. Everything was different to anything I had ever seen before. Wide open fields, oceans in the distance... You could still see them too. Well, one of the natives saw me staring and talked to me. She explained how Rayiel visited their land often and a whole lot of other things, but I was not paying much attention. I had fallen in love."

Ultra-romantic people may take the opportunity to go 'awww' now.

"She was the most amazing person I'd ever met," he continued. "I could not help but love her. Unfortunately, I had to leave, so I said goodbye, not knowing if I would see her again. Rayiel caught me leaving through her portal. I told her what had happened to me. I had no choice. She agreed to let me go as long as I never told our parents. She also agreed to let me visit again.

"For months, we, my sister and I, visited that wondrous land once a week. I and my love, we spent many hours together. She showed me her beautiful wings, I showed her my talent with magic.

"And then my love told me that she could not take me as a mate, for I had no wings. I was heartbroken, and I returned here. I swore I would never return there unless I had wings of my own, so that my love could accept me. I still have not returned. I married an elf lady, but that was purely to continue the line, not through love. She gave me a daughter, Ruta. Unfortunately, she passed away in the process.

"A year after Ruta was born, my sister returned from a portal, pregnant. I was not the only one who had found love in another land, it seemed. And a while later, she gave birth to a baby girl.

"That baby was you, Elure.

"And I have searched and searched for wings, but I had no success. Until now. I thank you all for this pair of wings. Now I shall return to my love." He put down the bottle and created a small portal. "I fear I am not as good at it as Rayiel was," he apologised. "But it is adequate for my purpose. Farewell." He stepped through the portal, which closed after him.

"Should we follow him?" the Narrator wondered, still wanting to finish the fight.

"Why bother?" Rati replied.

"He threatened Ryhuul's family! It was because of him that... that the babies are orphans now."

"Ryhuul, calm down!" Rati said. "How do you know you'll be able to go after him?"

The Narrator sat down on the ground, staring at the floor. "Don't know," it said quietly.

"Will he come back?" Elure asked, slightly afraid for her uncle.

"Probably not," Rati answered.

"He'd better," the Narrator growled. "Ryhuul has a shovel that would like to meet him. Bleeping Karma Houdini."

"A shovel," Rati repeated.

"Quite a bloodthirsty one," the Narrator added. "Ryhuul's already told you, hasn't it? After it gave you and Elure that painkiller?"

"I can't remember you ever mentioning a shovel."

"Were you even paying attention around then?"

"Probably not. Classes are boring. Anyway, how can an object be bloodthirsty?"

The Narrator sighed. "When it's sentient. Obviously."

"But you can't have-"

"A sentient weapon? Tell that to the Bazooka. Better yet, tell that to your sword."

"You said my sword was as sentient as a lamppost!" Rati yelled.

"It is. Lampposts are sentient too, remember?"

'Get on with it!' Zane yelled, throwing more popcorn at them. This time his aim didn't fail so spectacularly. He still missed, though. One piece hit the cow coming through the door, while another struck the lamppost behind. The lamppost fell, and the cow...

"Moo!" it protested, irritated.

"Stop throwing popcorn," the Narrator said to Zane. "In your hands, it's a dangerous weapon."

"What are we going to do with them?" Elure asked, indicating Zane's victims.

"Ryhuul has no idea what to do with the lamppost, but the cow... might as well get some milk," it answered.

The Narrator picked up the bottle Tygerrin had left behind. It walked over to the cow and held out the bottle.

The cow looked at him, as if to say 'What do you want?'

The Narrator sighed, realising that this wasn't a self-milking cow, and sat down beside it, placing the bottle underneath.

This scene has been cut because it was too boring and slightly disturbing. Basically, the Narrator milked the cow. This was more dangerous than it sounded, because the cow had a laser.

Rati and Elure were both grossed out by the Narrator's demonstration. Rati more than Elure.

When the bottle was full, the Narrator picked it up and drank from it.

"That's good milk," it muttered, wiping away its milk moustache.

Everyone else stared.

"Remember that goblin ages ago?" it asked. "And the drink Ryhuul wanted? Ryhuul just found it."

"Milk?" Rati asked.

"Of course. It's alcoholic, after all."

"All milk?" Rati asked, suddenly wanting to try some.

"Not _all_ , but... some," the Narrator replied.

"Like what you're drinking," Elure said.

"Like what Ryhuul is drinking. Want some? There's still half a bottle left."

"Why not?" Rati shrugged, taking the bottle. He went to take a drink, and found the urge to brandish the bottle in front of him first. He was unable to resist, so he brandished the bottle in front of him, and drank the contents. What was left of it. He felt the effect almost immediately. There was the pleasurable buzzing, the looseness of his inhibitions... He felt the urge to sing.

So he did.

"~I'm a pony! A pretty, pretty pony! I want to frolic in the meadows, all day long!~" he sang.

The Narrator joined in, much to the horror of that small part of it that was still sober. "~I'm a pony! A wild, graceful pony! I'm going to gallop in the mountains, all day long!~"

Elure facepalmed.

The Narrator decided that it would be a good idea to swap Rati's bloodstained blue tunic for a gaudy orange one that clashed with... well... the rest of him.

"~I'm a pony! A-"

"That's enough of that," the prophet sighed, appearing in front of them. It snapped its fingers and the two drunken protagonists were sober again.

"What did you do that for?" Rati yelled.

"Your journey is not finished. You must find the six Stones. If you do not, there will be a great catastrophe. Run! Search! Bring me the six Stones!"

"Is this one of them?" Rati asked, holding out the ruby he had found over a week ago. It was about the size of a golf ball.

"Yes, but-"

"How about these?" the Narrator asked, pulling the two gems it had found during the narrative: the sapphire and the emerald.

"Definitely, but-"

"What about this?" Elure asked, digging out the diamond.

"Of course, but-"

'Since everyone's getting out stones, I might as well bring this out,' Zane added, holding out a topaz.

"That's another one, but you still need one more!"

They each searched inside pockets and other hiding places.

There was an assortment of items, including a rock from Rati's belt-pouch.

'One of the bits of crap Tygerrin left,' Rati thought, looking at the rock.

The prophet gasped when he saw the rock. "You have them all," the prophet gasped, snatching the Stones from their hands. "The Sapphire of Blood, the Topaz of Earth, the Ruby of Water, the Emerald of Shadow, the Diamond of Fire and the Rock of Air! You found all six Stones!"

"Now what happens?" the Narrator asked.

"Now you have to face me!" the prophet proclaimed, laughing maniacally. "But only after you destroy my Legions of Terror!"

"He's definitely on something," Rati muttered.

There was a rumble of thunder and the prophet disappeared, to be replaced by an army of faceless soldiers.

"Why do they all look like Zane?" Elure asked.

"And why do they smell like feet?" the Narrator wondered.

'You guys can handle them,' Zane said. 'I'll just sit over here and finish my popcorn.'

"Fools!" the prophet's voice echoed. "They are clones of your companion! You will not know which is the real one and which are the fakes!"

"The fake ones will be attacking us," Rati pointed out.

"Some of them will fight for your side," the prophet said. "And then, when you least expect it, betrayal!"

"Ryhuul doesn't need help!" the Narrator exclaimed, knocking some of them out.

"How do you know they weren't the real one?" the prophet laughed.

"The real one's eating popcorn over there," Elure pointed out.

The clones all suddenly turned towards the original, stealing his popcorn.

'No! My popcorn! You took my popcorn, you bastards!' Zane yelled as he was forcibly integrated into the mass of clones.

"How are we going to find him?" Rati asked.

"Ryhuul has an idea." It explained the idea to its companions.

"You'll have to do it alone," Elure said afterwards. "I didn't know him that well."

"What are you talking about?" the prophet demanded.

"Didn't you ever realise they'd all think differently?" the Narrator shouted at him.

"They do?"

"Watch. Ryhuul will find the real Zane." The Narrator pushed its way through the horde of clones, checking the thoughts of everyone it came across. It was a daunting task.

Here's an abridged version:

'IDDQD. Chosen because...'

"Zane can't play Doom. He can't see the demons."

'Rook to H3.'

"Chess, on the other hand... plausible. But it's not him. That one seemed far too calm.'

'Nyan nyan nyan nyan...'

"Bleep no."

'I never say 'Ni'!'

"Obligatory Monty Python reference: check."

'~Never gonna give you up... Never gonna let you down...~'

"Why?!" the Narrator yelled.

'The Other Wiki won't let me use 'egregious' egregiously!'

"Zane never showed any sign of being a Troper," the Narrator commented. "Pity," it muttered. It took two sips from a glass of water it had created just then.

'Hi! I like shorts! They're comfy and easy to wear!'

"That one's got the right idea," the Narrator said. "Pity he's not the real one. Too happy."

'I want my popcorn back! Why did you have to take my popcorn? It had goat cheese on it!'

"That's him." The Narrator grabbed the real Zane and teleported to safety. Relative safety, which ended up being the top of the tallest building in Bohr.

'Don't leave me here!' Zane cried, clinging to the pole at the top.

"Would you rather be one of many?" the Narrator asked. "Almost impossible to tell apart? At risk of being inadvertently replaced at any time?"

'No,' he admitted.

"Exactly. Ryhuul knows how that feels. It's not nice."

The Narrator disappeared, leaving Zane pretty much on top of the world. Physically, but not emotionally.

The Narrator appeared next to Elure. It looked around and saw that the hall was still full of Zane clones.

"Can you two take care of them?" it asked. "Ryhuul's going to find that prophet."

"Sure," Elure replied, drawing her sword.

"But don't kill them. They're individuals, even if they don't look like it."

They nodded, Elure putting her sword away again.

"One last thing. Could you please look after Arunerrhu, Elure? The battle against the prophet is going to be tough, and Ryhuul doesn't want him to get hurt."

She nodded, lifting the dragon from the Narrator's shoulder.

"Thank you," it murmured, giving her a brief hug.

"Good luck," she whispered.

The Narrator smiled and teleported again.

* * *

Rati's sword hopped out into the crowd, searching for its owner.

It bumped into his leg, realised who it had found, and started purring loudly.

Which means the sword is part cat. Somehow.

Rati looked down from knocking out ever clone he was, surprised. He picked up the sword, casually knocking out two more clones while he did so, and slid it into his belt.

"Aren't you going to wield me?" the sword asked as he returned his attention to the fight.

"Swords don't have a non-lethal setting," he replied.

"What's so good about non-lethal methods?"

"Ryhuul asked me and Elure not to kill our opponents."

"You're no fun."

* * *

'This is taking too long,' Elure thought, knocking out another clone.

She breathed deeply and mentally prodded the magic thingy inside her, hoping for a simple solution. Her wish was granted, as all the clones (and Rati) immediately fell asleep. And started snoring.

She was surprised how loudly faceless clones could snore, considering they don't have voices as such.

She prodded the magic thingy again (mentally, of course), wishing for something to block her ears. She got a hairbrush. "Well, that's useful," she muttered, tossing it aside.

She tried again.

This time, she got a piece of paper with the title 'How to kill someone with your bare hands'. She folded it up and put it in her... well... 'Victoria's Secret Compartment'. Aka 'bra'. Hey, it's not like her dress had pockets.

She prodded the magic thingy for the third time. Well, fourth, but for this it's counted as the third. And, in accordance with Rule of Three, she got a pair of fluffy pink earmuffs. It would have to do.

When she put them on, she found that it blocked all noise. So that was something to be grateful about.

* * *

The Narrator found itself in a clearing in a mist-covered forest. "Where are you?" the Narrator asked, looking around. "Ryhuul is ready to fight!"

The prophet's laughter echoed through the trees.

"Ryhuul knows you're there. Now come out and fight!"

"You really expect me to fight _you_? A mere Narrator?" the prophet's voice said.

The Narrator clenched its fists as tears welled up in its eyes. "Do not call Ryhuul that," it muttered between clenched teeth.

"Why not? It's true. You're just a Narrator. Nothing else. Indistinguishable from the next one in line."

"Shut up." The Narrator's fingernails dug into its palms, piercing the skin. Blood oozed from the cuts.

"One of many," the prophet continued. "A nameless, faceless thing. Not a person. A thing. No personality. No opinions. No life. A waste of space."

"I told you to shut up," the Narrator growled. Its eyes closed as the tears ran down its cheeks.

"Touchy, aren't we? Surprising, for one of your kind. But, you know, you are different. You're a worthless piece of shit even by Narrator standards. You can't do anything right. You couldn't even save one Princess. And if you screw up here, you're gone. Forever."

"That won't happen," the Narrator snarled, eyes snapping open again.

"No? I beg to differ. I'm going to enjoy seeing you fail."

" _You'd better shut your fucking face before I shut it for you!_ " the Narrator screamed.

"You really want to go there?" the prophet asked, appearing on the other side of the clearing.

"Yes," the Narrator replied, shaking.

"Very well. But first, I have a question for you," the prophet said. " _Who are you?_ "

"I am Ryhuul."

"No. You're not. You took on an identity, but it's not the real you. _Who._ _Are._ _You?_ "

"I am the Narrator."

"Wrong. _WHO!_ _ARE!_ _YOU!_ "

"I... I don't know..." the Narrator muttered, sinking to its knees.

"You don't know," the prophet repeated. "How pathetic. How weak. How useless. I should have known."

The Narrator leaned forward, resting its palms on the ground.

"I know who you are. You're no one. Nothing. If you're gone, no one will miss you."

"You're wrong," the Narrator muttered, its hands curling into fists, leaving claw-marks in the dirt.

"What was that?"

"You're wrong. Bunny will miss me. Arunerrhu will miss me. Venlor will miss me. Bel will miss me. Sveitnir will miss me. Papillon will miss me. Elure will miss me. The Bazooka will miss me."

It stood, glaring at the prophet as it continued.

"I am not alone. They are always with me, even if they're not physically there."

"Your optimism is admirable. But are they really your friends? Your family? Do they really care that much?"

"Yes."

"And yet-"

"Who are _you_?" the Narrator asked suddenly.

"This is no time-"

" _Who are you_?"

"I'm asking the-"

" _Who. Are. You?_ "

"Fine. I am Mr Ian Woon."

"Well, Ian... Fight me."

"Do not address me with such familiar terms," Mr Ian Woon growled. "You will address me as 'Mr Ian Woon'. Nothing else."

"Fine. Mr Ian Woon, I challenge you to a duel. To the death."

"You're confident, aren't you? Thinking you could last against me?"

"I can."

"Do you even know who I am? I'm the god of this world."

"So?" the Narrator asked, knowing that this one word would turn the tables on Mr Ian Woon.

"I am the most powerful being on this planet!"

"So?"

"I will make you bow down to me!" Mr Ian Woon screamed.

"Good luck with that."

Mr Ian Woon summoned a giant metal hand. The hand pushed down on the Narrator, curving its spine so it would bow.

The Narrator teleported to elsewhere in the clearing. "Is that your best shot?" it asked, throwing cutlery from its pockets at the hand.

The hand shuddered, making a horrible screeching noise as the Narrator's knives (and fork) spilled its blood onto the ground. It made a valiant effort to rise, and attacked the Narrator again. It attempted to slap the Narrator away, but it teleported away.

The Narrator pulled out a shovel and swung it at the hand. The hand lost a finger. The Narrator leapt onto the hand and stabbed at it with the shovel while the hand tried to shake it off. "Die, you bleeping Floormaster, die," it muttered.

Finally, the hand was lying dead on the ground.

"I will make you bow," Mr Ian Woon growled. Mr Ian Woon created a bolt of lightning and threw it as hard as possible at the Narrator, who dropped the shovel and pulled out the Spoon, sticking it in the ground in front of it. The lightning hit the Spoon and travelled through the metal into the ground.

"There goes the Bolt Of Divine Retribution plan," the Narrator commented.

"Why, you..." Mr Ian Woon sent a blue bolt from the heavens at the Narrator.

It crouched on the ground, and the blue bolt of lightning, by the laws of path of least resistance, hit the Spoon, once again grounding itself. "You're still not putting enough effort in," the Narrator commented, rising again.

"You _will_ bow!" Mr Ian Woon shrieked. Mr Ian Woon summoned a shower of rocks to rain on the Narrator. Rock after rock fell on the Narrator, pummelling it to the ground. Mr Ian Woon laughed as the Narrator's body was totally obscured by the growing mountain of rocks. "No one can survive that!" he gloated.

Something stirred within the mountain of rocks.

Mr Ian Woon stared as rocks shifted.

Before long, the Narrator appeared. It was bruised and bleeding, but alive. And it was not happy.

"You didn't kill me," the Narrator growled, pushing the last of the rocks off of it. "And that which does not kill me... should run. _Fast_."

"How did you-"

"Survive? Easy. I can't die. I have a job to do."

"Your job means nothing here."

"Well, at the moment my job is to kill you. So it does mean something."

"Fool! You can never defeat me!"

"That's what you think," the Narrator replied, pulling out the Bazooka. It aimed at Mr Ian Woon and pulled the trigger.

A rocket flew from the Bazooka's barrel, straight at Mr Ian Woon.

Mr Ian Woon created a shield bubble, but not fast enough. The shield split the missile in half. One was inside the bubble.

The appearance of the shield caused the half rocket to deviate from its original path and hit Mr Ian Woon's thighs. A second later, Mr Ian Woon had no thighs. Or legs. Or stomach area.

The Narrator shielded its face as the other half of the missile blew up in front of it.

"You bastard," Mr Ian Woon gasped, falling to the ground. He reached out, fingers curling around the handle of the shovel.

"You brought this on yourself," the Narrator pointed out, walking up to what was left of Mr Ian Woon and standing on his fingers. Mr Ian Woon groaned and let go of the shovel. "You know, there's a trope for what Ryhuul just did. It's called 'Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?'" It placed the business end of the Bazooka against the prophet's head. "So... Bye 'Cthulhu'."

It fired.

* * *

Ruta sulked. It had been ten days since she'd been captured by the snuffleporgs, and she still hadn't been rescued. Obviously, someone was slacking.

In the cell beside her, Raythe and Dan were making out again.

In the cell on her other side, Bob had disappeared. And sunlight was shining through the tunnel he'd been digging.

She sighed. Why her?

* * *

The Narrator appeared beside Elure.

"He's dead," it said.

She didn't reply.

It tapped her on the shoulder.

She turned around quickly, reaching for her sword. She relaxed when she saw it, however. "What happened?" she asked, removing the earmuffs. "Success?"

The Narrator nodded.

"He's dead," it repeated.

"You sure?"

"No one's ever come back once the Bazooka's through with them. Except that one time when that bleeping kid came back as a ghost. Um. So, how did you go?"

"I ended up putting them all to sleep. As in, snoring. But they started waking up a couple of minutes ago, for some reason."

The Narrator looked around and saw that the clones were standing around and talking. Well, communicating. A large group of them were discussing names. An even larger group was lying on the floor, unconscious.

"Thank you," the Narrator said. "For leaving them alive, and for looking after Arunerrhu."

"Well, I kinda had to do it," she pointed out, turning to it. "For you. I do still like you, after all."

'Not this again,' the Narrator sighed.

Arunerrhu took the opportunity to transfer himself back to the Narrator's shoulder, achieving a brief glide.

"I missed you Ryhuul!" Arunerrhu exclaimed, curling his tail around the Narrator's neck again.

"Well done, Arunerrhu," the Narrator complimented the dragon.

"I'm hungry," Rati complained, walking over to them. "All that non-lethal fighting has made me hungry, so can we have lunch now?"

"You spent most of it sleeping!" Elure complained.

"I'm still hungry."

"I'll get the servants to bring something," Elure sighed.

"You'd better get them to bring lots of food," the Narrator said. "Got to feed this lot." It indicated the clones. "And then you'll need to figure out what to do with them."

"What about you?"

"Ryhuul will help out for a while, but it has no idea when the Board will call it back."

"Any idea when that'll be?"

"Probably... yes, probably after a romantic subplot has been resolved."

"What romantic subplot?"

"You two? Ryhuul has no idea. And didn't someone mention lunch before?"

* * *

'They forgot about me again,' Zane sighed, still clinging to the pole at the top of the tower.

* * *

After a lunch that for some reason consisted mainly of goat cheese, they started reviving the unconscious clones.

The lamppost had disappeared, obviously reacting differently to Elure's magic. No one even bothered thinking about the lamppost, though. It was as unmemorable as... what was his name again?

Don't tell me you've forgotten! The fourth Hero! What do you mean, 'there was a fourth one'? _sigh_ Oh, well...

"Can we stop adventuring for a while?" the Narrator asked as they prodded the clones into wakefulness. "Ryhuul needs a break. It's not a video game character who can keep dungeoning hour after hour without rest, sleep, or a toilet."

"Sure. We don't have anything else to do for a while," Elure said.

"Good. Fighting is hard work. That reminds Ryhuul... Rati, Elure, you lot wouldn't happen to be monotheistic with a jerkass god, would you?"

"We don't have gods," Elure replied. "We have Elure." She's talking about the computer Elure, by the way.

"What does 'monotheistic' mean?" Rati wondered.

"Having one god," the Narrator explained.

"Gryphons aren't like that. We have heaps of gods. Jekka, Raygon, Sfard..."

"That's a relief. Are any of them jerks?"

"Well, I've heard that Ortyx is a bully... Why are you asking?"

"Ryhuul killed the prophet guy, who turned out to be a god. And a jerk. So, uh... sorry about killing your god."

"So the god of destiny is gone?" Rati asked hopefully.

"Yeah."

"Awesome. Now we have free will." He grinned.

'Not the reaction Ryhuul was expecting,' the Narrator thought.

"You know," Elure mused, "it makes sense that a prophet would turn out to be a god of destiny. Just saying."

"I don't even have to marry a Princess if I don't want to," Rati continued.

"So that's why you were so intent on saving Ruta," Elure said.

"Ryhuul just remembered something... the King and Princess are both gone. Who's going to take over?"

"I guess I am," Elure sighed. "Pity. There go my month-long hunting trips."

"You could always leave someone in charge of everything," Rati suggested. "Promote one of your friends. Your girlfriend maybe?"

"Ex-girlfriend. But yes... that could work."

"'Ex'-girlfriend?"

"We broke up a couple of years ago. We're still friends, though."

' _Someone get me down from here!_ ' a mental voice screamed.

"Oh, yeah, Ryhuul left Zane on top of a tower," the Narrator muttered, disappearing.

That was it! Zane! The fourth Hero!

Rati and Elure glanced at each other. Not at the narrative, but at the Narrator's comment. "Why is Zane on top of a tower?" they both wondered, out loud.

The Narrator reappeared a few seconds later with the faceless man.

"Didn't you know I hate heights?" Zane complained.

"It never came up in conversation," the Narrator replied.

A young woman walked into the room, interrupting the argument with the loud tapping sound made by her shoes. The protagonists all turned and stared. Zane's jaw would have dropped if he'd had one that could drop.

By the way, she had no face.

'Hi, do any of you know where I can find a Mr Zane Svekla?' she asked.

Three of the four protagonists pointed to Zane. The real one, not one of the many clones.

"That's him," Rati supplied helpfully.

This is the point where, if he'd had eyes (and eyelids), Zane would have had a dumbfounded double-blink. As it was, he was just dumbfounded.

The woman ran forward and grabbed Zane's wrist between her fingertips. 'Let's go,' she said.

'Who are you?' he asked.

'I'm Vera, silly! Wereta asked me to find you.'

"Why does Wereta want him?" the Narrator asked.

"What's happening with Wereta?" Rati wondered, slightly worried.

'I can't remember,' Vera said.

"We might as well all go and see her," the Narrator suggested.

"Is Wereta alright?" Rati asked.

"Shut up, Rati," Elure sighed.

When they were all ready, the Narrator teleported.

* * *

"Ow, my lamp," the lamppost muttered, waking up.

It looked around, finding itself in a strange city. Fortunately, there were other lampposts around for it to talk to.

And these ones weren't going to die like unmemorable mooks. These were more like... unmemorable civilians in an unmemorable, questing-hero-free town. Except they were lampposts.

* * *

When they arrived at Wereta's house, the gryphon was there to meet them.

"So the snuffleporgs are gone?" Elure asked, looking around.

"Yes. My medicine was useful. As usual," Wereta said. "Zane, if you'd please come this way." She led him (and the rest of the group) inside the little hut. Which was much bigger on the inside. They all found something to sit on. Generally couches.

'So why am I here?' Zane asked.

"Zane wants to know why he's here," Elure said.

"I heard him. Though I'm surprised you can."

"Why didn't you tell Ryhuul about being able to understand him last time?" the Narrator asked.

"Because it was more fun that way," she replied cheerfully.

The Narrator sighed. "Is everyone going to mess with Ryhuul like this?" it muttered.

* * *

Wereta explained. It was a long and boring explanation.

* * *

"By the way, Rati?" Wereta said eventually. "I've got that stuff for your nose."

"Thanks," he muttered, taking the package she handed him.

"It's about time there was nothing to do," the Narrator sighed happily. "No Princesses to save, no villains to defeat, no gods to rein in..."

"Yeah," Elure agreed. "Although I still have to put up with you lot. Damn, there goes my good mood."

"You're - ow - joking, right?" Rati asked, putting the ointment he'd been given on his nose.

"Of course," she laughed. "You're not too bad. Still annoying, sometimes."

"I am not - ow - annoying!" Rati objected, still applying the thick paste to the broken nose.

"Of course you are! Especially when you try to claim you aren't."

"How am I annoying?"

"You keep complaining," she began, ticking off an imaginary list, "you're convinced that you're always right-"

"I am not!"

"You deny things that are _obviously_ true; you deny responsibility for your mistakes; you're a stuck-up bastard-"

"You should watch your language," the Narrator interrupted, with a glance towards Vera. The young lady appeared to be shocked by the swearing.

"Sorry, I meant 'jerk'," she corrected herself. "What else? You're a pervert; you can't take no for an answer..."

"You're not perfect either," Rati pointed out. "At least I don't brag about my hunting abilities."

"That's 'cause you don't have any."

"I bet I'd beat you in a swordfight."

"You two should just kiss and get the BST over with," the Narrator sighed.

'What's 'BST'?' Zane asked. 'I mean, I know about UST, but BST?'

'Belligerent Sexual Tension,' the Narrator explained.

'Which is?'

'They fight because they don't want to admit they like each other.'

'But I _don't_ like him!' Elure protested.

'See?'

"How about it, Elure?" Rati grinned. "Kiss me."

'There goes your explanation,' Zane pointed out.

'Shut up.'

"No," Elure countered (to Rati's comment, of course), poking his nose. "Why would I kiss _you_?"

"Ow! That hurts!"

"Aww... Is poor widdle Rati a cry-baby now?"

"At least I'm not a bleeping bleep!"

She giggled.

"That sounds so weird coming out of your mouth, Rati," she said.

"I only said it that way because there's actually a _lady_ in the room," he muttered. "For once."

"Are you saying I'm not a lady?" she demanded.

"Damn right I am!" he yelled, standing up.

"Where the hell do you think _you're_ going?" she screamed as he stormed outside.

"Away from _you_!"

"Oh, boy," the Narrator muttered.

* * *

Rati flew, large blue wings spread wide.

"She doesn't think it's strange when Ryhuul says 'bleep', does she?" he muttered. "No. She holds it to a different standard. She cares about it more than she cares about me. And it's not even a real person."

He beat his wings, once, twice, soaring up past the clouds. This was what he was meant to do. This is what he was born for.

"Why do I have to like her?" he sighed. "She belongs on the ground. I don't. She'll just anchor me down."

He caught an updraught and ascended even higher in the sky.

"I don't want an anchor. I want to fly high. I want to fly _free_. I don't need _her_."

He angled himself forwards, plummeting towards the ground, air rushing past him. The speed held his orange tunic to his body, showing off the curves of his muscles. His blue hair was blown around wildly, creating its characteristic messiness.

He laughed as he pulled up from the dive, adrenaline rushing through his veins. "Now this is living!" he yelled to the world, skimming the treetops.

* * *

Elure sat on the edge of a cliff outside Wereta's hut, watching the gryphon soar through the distant clouds.

"I wish I could join him," she whispered. "Wait, what am I saying? I wish he ends up being hit by an inexplicable shovel and falling to his death."

"That's not very nice," the Narrator pointed out from where it was sitting beside the hut.

"Don't care."

"Besides, where would you find an inexplicable shovel?" the Narrator asked, not caring to mention the shovel currently stored in its Hammerspace-based armoury.

"Don't you have one?"

"It's not inexplicable."

"Really?" Elure asked sceptically. "Then explain it."

"Ryhuul got it from a bunch of elves."

"Why did _they_ have a shovel?"

The Narrator shrugged and walked back inside.

* * *

When Rati returned, he found Elure still on the edge of the cliff. "What are you doing there?" he asked.

"Oh, nothing!" she said quickly.

"Oh, really?"

"Fine, I was waiting here for you," she admitted. "But only because you challenged me to a fight earlier. You ready?"

"You bet." He drew his sword. "First to draw blood."

"Fine by me," she said, drawing her sword.

"Let's go."

He lunged at her, the blade slicing through the air towards her waist. She spun out of the way, bringing her sword down at his shoulder. He side-stepped the blow, and sent his sword along a horizontal path towards her. She jumped, the bottom of her foot pushing the metal downwards.

They circled each other like opposing ships around a whirlpool. And one of them was going to go down.

"You're pretty good," Elure admitted.

"I know."

"But not good enough to win."

He grinned and darted forward again, sword searching for her skin.

She dodged, stepping in close and grabbing the front of his tunic. She pulled his face down and kissed him full on the lips.

He tried to keep his thoughts straight, wondering what sort of advantage she hoped to gain from this. Ah, _there_. His hand caught her wrist, stopping her from bringing up the blade. "Nice try," he said with a grin.

She glared, her foot swinging up to catch him between the legs.

He fell to one knee, grimacing, and punched her in the stomach, the sword in his hand giving it more power than the blow would have had earlier. He followed it with an uppercut to the face as she bent over.

"Giving a black eye to a girl?" she muttered. "You're a real bastard."

"Kicking a guy in the groin?" he retorted. "You're a real bitch."

"Didn't your mother ever teach you not to hit girls?" she asked, slashing at him.

"She did," he replied, countering with his own blade. "I don't see how that applies here."

She sent a fist flying at his face.

"Not this time," he said, pushing her arm away so that it went past his ear. He then brought his blade up and left a shallow diagonal slash on her cheek. Her hand immediately covered the injury.

"I win," he stated as she brought her hand down, staring at the blood.

"Kill her!" his sword ordered him. He ignored it.

She glared at him.

"First to draw blood, remember?" he reminded her, standing up. "I won."

"You cheated."

"I did not. There was only one rule."

"Oh yeah? What would that rule be?"

"First to draw blood wins. Besides, you were the first one to 'cheat'."

"How?"

"You kissed me. And it was a nice kiss, too." He was smirking now.

"Come on, kill her!" the sword continued. It was still ignored.

"I had to take any advantage I could get."

"Which means you recognised me as better. Hey, don't pretend you didn't, you know it's true. Besides, I didn't grope _you_ , did I?"

"Shut up."

"I don't think I will." His grin somehow spread even wider. "How about another kiss?"

"How about no?"

"Why aren't you killing her?" the sword screamed.

Rati threw the sword off the cliff.

"You're going to regret this!" it shrieked, plummeting down.

"Why would I kill someone that beautiful?" Rati asked.

"Why, you..." Elure muttered angrily.

"It's a compliment."

"I know that."

"And you're still offended?"

"You two better get in here!" Wereta yelled at them from inside, interrupting their argument.

"Let me give you a hand," Rati offered, extending the appendage.

"Any part of you that touches me you're not getting back," she growled, pushing his hand aside.

Despite this continued antagonism, they obediently wandered inside.

* * *

"Everyone hungry?" Wereta asked.

Everyone nodded.

"Anyone object to goat cheese toasties?"

"Why do you have to specify that it's goat cheese?" the Narrator wondered. "You don't need to distinguish it from cow cheese because you don't have cows on this planet. Except for a green one from Moo Moo Farm running around."

"What's a 'cow'?" Wereta asked.

"Forget it."

* * *

That night, after the meal, when everyone was asleep, the Narrator found itself floating in a void. It seemed familiar, but...

Where was it? Where was everything?

It heard a sound, echoing through the emptiness.

"Worthless... useless... waste of space... nothing..." voices whispered.

"Shut up," the Narrator mumbled, its hands over its ears.

"Who are you, really?" the voices asked. "Who are you?"

"Why... why are you doing this?" the Narrator whispered, tears blurring its vision.

"Who are you? You're no one. Nothing."

"You're wrong..."

"You really think so? Then why are you so upset?"

"Shut up..."

"You're just a Narrator."

"Shut up..."

"And Narrators are all the same. Remember?"

"You're wrong..." the Narrator muttered, the tears running freely down its face.

"Why do you delude yourself? You're just a Narrator."

"Shut up..."

"Not going to correct us?"

"Shut up..."

"You know we're right."

"Shut up."

"You put up a mask..."

"Shut. Up."

"...to hide your true face."

The Narrator had no reply to that.

"We're getting somewhere," the voice said.

"Why are you doing this?" the Narrator asked again.

"Your true face..." the voice began, ignoring it.

"Why..."

"What kind of... face is it? I wonder..."

"No..."

"The face under the mask..."

"Stop..."

"Is that..."

"Please..."

"...your true face?"

"I beg of you..."

"Do you _have_ a true face?" the voices asked.

The Narrator moaned, curling up into a ball. Tears ran down its face as it realised that the voices had a point.

"Or is it just emptiness behind your mask?"

The voices were right. The Narrator sobbed, its spirit broken.

"What do you have to fight for?"

"Nothing..." it mumbled.

"What do you have to live for?"

"Nothing..."

" _Who are you?_ "

"Nothing..."

"Louder."

"Nothing."

"Keep going."

"I'm nothing."

"You're doing well."

"The Narrator is nothing!" it yelled, sobbing again.

"That's good."

"Why? Why are you doing this?" the Narrator cried.

"This is you. This emptiness, it's you."

"Me? No... it can't be..."

"It is."

"No..."

"You're nothing."

"I'm... nothing..."

"Worthless."

"Worthless..."

"A waste of space."

"A waste of space..."

"Useless."

"Useless..."

The voices slowly faded, leaving nothing but the void.

"Don't leave me..." the Narrator mumbled. "I don't wanna be alone..."

"But you are," another voice whispered maliciously. "You always have been. No friends, no family, no home-"

Back in Wereta's hut, the Narrator sat up, panting. The nightmares were getting worse. It got up and walked outside, where it sat at the edge of the cliff and stared at the sky.

The moon, Planck, was bright. And gibbous. Good word, gibbous. Much better than the ones the Narrator had heard in its dream. Its nightmare.

It shuddered as it remembered the darkness, the emptiness... And the voices.

It rested its head in its hands as it realised that they were right. It was worthless. It was nothing. It was just a Narrator. One of many.

Mr Ian Woon's face appeared in its mind. "I was right," the face gloated. "It's about time you realised it."

"You... You did this?"

"Who else?"

"Then..." Then the voices were wrong. It wasn't worthless.

"Then what?"

The Narrator smiled slightly as Mr Ian Woon's words acted as internal duct tape.

"Didn't Ryhuul kill you, Ian?" it asked, changing the subject.

"Ideas can't die. And don't call me 'Ian'."

"But they _can_ be forgotten, _Ian_. And you _will_ be forgotten. Ryhuul will make sure of it."

"Was that a threat?"

"No. It was a promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep. And don't use clichés."

The Narrator just smiled grimly.

* * *

Later that night, so late it was almost morning, really...

Elure found herself in a tower. Why was she in a tower? That's right, Tygerrin was sick of her running around with a sword. So he locked her in here to wait for a husband.

She heard screaming through the window. Here was another hero, come to save her.

She smiled as she heard the telltale sound of a dragon eating. That should stop them for a while.

She leaned out the window. "Hey, Sveitnir? Can you heat up some water for me?" she asked. "I'm going to take a shower."

The dragon growled acknowledgement and breathed flame at the water tank on top of the tower.

"Thanks!" she called.

She relaxed under the hot water, enjoying the sensation of dirt running down the drain. It took her mind off being trapped here.

Why did this seem familiar?

She heard the sound of Sveitnir flaming.

'Oh, crap,' she thought. She quickly got out of the shower and got dressed. Sure enough, someone climbed through the window about a minute later.

"Elure?" a voice asked. A voice she recognised.

Was it Ryhuul? No, it couldn't be. She knew the figure wasn't Ryhuul. But who? She took a guess. "Rati?"

Sure enough, it was the gryphon.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she demanded.

"I heard you were trapped and decided to rescue you."

"I don't need to be rescued!"

"Then why are you still here? I never thought you were the waiting-for-a-hero type."

"I'm not. I just can't escape this hellhole."

"Would this help?" Rati asked, holding out a sword. Her sword. The one Tygerrin had confiscated when she was put here.

"Oh, yes," she breathed. She grinned. "Let's go." She turned towards the stairs.

"Not that way," Rati murmured, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Through the window." He pulled her towards him, placing his arms securely around her, before running at the window.

"What do you think you're doing?" she screamed as he jumped into midair.

He unfurled his wings.

The wind caught them and they were lifted into the air.

"I'm a gryphon, remember?" he said, with that know-it-all smirk of his.

Sveitnir was engaged in a battle with a tiny figure down below. Not injured, just distracted.

Elure breathed a sigh of relief.

Sveitnir must have heard the sound, because he glanced upwards, seeing them. He breathed a fierce blast of flame towards them.

And then, suddenly, she was in her own bed. "Was it just a dream?" she wondered.

On a nearby couch, Rati snored.

"Yes," she concluded. "Definitely a dream. He'd never act like that in real life..."

'Or would he?' her subconscious prompted.

He probably would, she realised. Especially that smirk. Which... was actually not too bad, now that she thought about it.

She actually wanted to see it. Even if it was the same sort of situation as yesterday.

Which reminded her... her eye still hurt.

And that reminded her of how he'd defeated her. It was impressive. She had to admit that. Not to mention he was kinda handsome, and he _did_ like her...

But a relationship? She wasn't going to be the one to ask, that's for sure. It would just inflate his already large ego. If he asked her out, though, she'd say yes. Eventually. Because, now that she thought about it, she kinda liked him too.

* * *

"Has young Ratiflaia invited you out on a date yet?" Wereta asked Elure the next morning, with a sly smile.

"What? No!" she exclaimed, blushing.

"You've been slacking, boy," she reprimanded the gryphon.

"She's not interested!" he protested.

"Look at that blush. Do you really think it would be that red if she didn't like you?"

"Fine. _I'm_ not interested."

"Don't lie to me. Now get to asking!"

Rati stared at the floor, not wanting the elf to see his embarrassment. And not wanting to see her expression. "Uh, Elure..." he mumbled.

"Louder."

"Elure, would you like to come with me on a date?" Rati asked, blushing.

"Depends. Where to?"

Rati glanced at Wereta for help, but she merely smiled knowingly.

"Uh... Would you like to fly with me?"

'Did he know about my dream?' she wondered. "Sure, sounds great," she answered. "When and where?"

"Now?"

"Why not?"

He stood and offered her his hand. She smiled and grasped it tightly, letting Rati pull her up.

"What happened to 'Any part of you that touches me you're not getting back'?" he asked.

"I'm making an exception," she explained. "If you're lucky, it'll turn into the rule." She walked outside, the gryphon following her.

"They'll do well together," Wereta chuckled to herself.

* * *

When they'd gone outside, Rati and Elure glanced at each other.

"How is this going to work?" she asked. "I mean, I don't have wings..."

"I have no idea," he admitted. "How about I carry you somehow?"

"You mean like a piggy back?"

"No, you'd get in the way of my wings. Although..."

"What're you thinking?" she asked suspiciously.

He walked over to her and slid his arms around her waist, hugging her tightly. "Do you think this could work?" he whispered in her ear.

Her arms snaked around his neck. "Definitely."

He lifted her up, allowing her to get a more secure hold, and ran at the cliff. He jumped over the edge.

Elure's eyes clenched shut as they fell, and she held on to Rati.

He spread his wings and pulled out of the dive, soaring back up into the sky. "You can look now, Elure," he said, grinning.

Her eyes opened slowly, and she gazed down at the ground far below. "Wow," she breathed. "Rati, this is..."

"I know."

"I've never seen anything like it!"

"You haven't seen the half of it. Hold on tight." He rose through the air, his powerful wings beating slowly, lifting them still higher. When he felt they'd gone high enough, he pulled his wings in slightly and leaned forwards, going into a controlled dive.

Elure's lips found his own and they kissed, spiralling downwards like an out-of-control plane, except for the fact that it was, y'know, a _controlled_ dive.

He unfurled his wings again suddenly, pulling out of the dive and breaking the kiss. He skimmed low over the forest, turning often to avoid the taller trees.

"This is... I don't even know how to describe it," Elure whispered in his ear. "Thank you so much, Rati."

"Wereta would have kicked me to hell and back if I'd screwed this up," he admitted. "So my backside's feeling kinda grateful."

"It's not _your_ backside that's important here," she laughed, kissing him again.

He beat his wings, taking them out of the treetops. He couldn't dodge the trees if he was otherwise engaged, after all.

"Can we do this again sometime?" Elure asked.

"Hells yeah!" Rati exclaimed. "I mean, I thought flying was awesome, but today... wow! I haven't had a rush like that since, well, forever!"

* * *

Someone knocked on the door of Wereta's hut. She opened the door and found a man standing there.

"Where's that waste of space Narrator?" the man growled.

"Hello, Mr Ian Woon," the Narrator said from the couch. "You're looking much better today. Want a rematch?"

"I'm going to kill you for what you did, you bastard," Mr Ian Woon growled.

"Bring it."

"Not inside the house, please," Wereta requested.

The Narrator nodded and teleported away.

"Where did that useless piece of shit go?" Mr Ian Woon muttered, just before someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hello!" the Narrator said cheerfully when he turned around.

Mr Ian Woon roared and leaped at the Narrator, wrapping his hands around its throat as they fell to the ground.

The Narrator's smile disappeared, to be replaced with a glare. It pulled out a knife, thrust it into Mr Ian Woon's stomach and dragged it downwards. With its other hand, it reached up and pushed Mr Ian Woon's face away, a finger gouging one of his eyes out.

Mr Ian Woon let go of the Narrator's throat and used the hand to punch the Narrator in the side of the head multiple times in quick succession.

The Narrator spat a broken tooth into Mr Ian Woon's face.

The deity responded by redoubling his efforts to strangle the Narrator, pressing down on its throat with all his strength. "How does it feel to die?" he hissed in the Narrator's ear.

The Narrator's lungs burned as it reached up to its throat, trying to dislodge Mr Ian Woon's hands. Failing that, it turned its last efforts into rolling over so that it was the one on top. Arunerrhu poked his head out of the Narrator's pocket and bit Mr Ian Woon on the leg, providing the Narrator with the distraction it needed to succeed. It forced a knee up onto Mr Ian Woon's chest and ripped itself away, gasping for air.

Mr Ian Woon punched it in the stomach, knocking the air out of its lungs, and it fell to the side, its knee no longer pinning Mr Ian Woon to the ground. Mr Ian Woon stood and kicked the Narrator in the stomach.

It curled up in a ball, trying to protect the vulnerable area. When Mr Ian Woon kicked it again, the Narrator grabbed his foot. It pulled hard, unbalancing Mr Ian Woon, who fell forwards on top of it. The Narrator drove its fist into Mr Ian Woon's nose, drawing another knife, which it slid in beside the first. It pushed the deity off and stood up. It got out another two knives, one in each hand.

Mr Ian Woon struggled to his feet.

The Narrator ran forward, stabbing both of the knives it held into Mr Ian Woon's torso. As it moved away again, though, Mr Ian Woon grabbed it by the hair and pulled it head down. He trapped it in a headlock, bringing his knee up into the Narrator's stomach a few times.

The Narrator pulled at his arm, loosening it enough for it to break the headlock. It pulled out yet another knife and drove it deep into Mr Ian Woon's abdomen, before backing away.

"You know how painful it was to recover from what you did to me last time?" Mr Ian Woon asked.

"Not enough, because you came back."

"Is that any way to treat a god?"

"You're not Ryhuul's god."

Mr Ian Woon called down another blue bolt from the heavens. Unlike in their last battle, this one struck the Narrator, who collapsed in a steaming heap.

"That really hurt, Ian," the Narrator groaned, pushing itself back up on its feet.

"You will refer to me as Mr Ian Woon!" Mr Ian Woon screamed.

"No."

"What do you mean, 'no'?"

"You don't deserve that much respect."

Mr Ian Woon summoned another blue bolt from the heavens.

The Narrator fell to the ground again. "So you want to play _that_ way, _Ian_ ," the Narrator said, grinning as it rose again. It pulled out the shovel.

"If lightning won't kill you," Mr Ian Woon muttered, "I'll use a disintegration ray. Let's see you survive _that_." He held his hand out, palm towards the Narrator.

It teleported, leaving the tree behind it to suffer the effects of the disintegration ray. In other words, the tree ceased to exist. The Narrator appeared behind Mr Ian Woon and stabbed him with the shovel.

He turned.

The Narrator pulled out a fork and stabbed him in the unhurt eye, blinding him.

"You'll pay for that," Mr Ian Woon snarled, creating a cloud of new eyes that floated in the air around him.

The Narrator swung the shovel, hitting one of the eyes, which flew into the distance.

"So you want to play _that_ way," Mr Ian Woon said, echoing the Narrator's words from before. He created a cow.

More of summoned, actually, as it was bright green and holding an axe, and still annoyed at the Narrator for milking it a day earlier. She swung the axe at the Narrator, who dodged and stabbed with the shovel. "Moo," the cow grunted, the shovel blade digging into her side. She swung the axe again.

The Narrator lifted the shovel to block the strike, and kicked the cow away, causing it to lose her grip on the handle.

She pulled out a laser and fired it at the Narrator.

It used the shovelhead as a shield, the shovel somehow being able to reflect the light back at the cow.

The cow dodged, revealing itself to be more agile than it appeared. The laser flew past it and hit a cat. _That_ cat.

"You know why the snuffleporgs decided to invade?" Mr Ian Woon asked, grinning horribly.

"Because of their allergies," the Narrator replied, fending off another laser blast.

"No. Because _you_ said it wouldn't happen. I sent them to make _you_ feel stupid."

"You..." the Narrator hissed as it turned to him, and the cow's laser hit it on the shoulder, taking out a line of flesh. "You're gonna pay for that," the Narrator muttered.

The next time the cow fired a laser, the Narrator reflected it towards Mr Ian Woon, who had to run to dodge it. One of his floating eyeballs wasn't so lucky, and was struck. It fell to the ground, leaking eyeball juice.

The Narrator teleported in front of the cow, where it used the shovel to stab at the animal's throat. The shovel didn't stop until it hit the cow's spine.

She fell to the ground, bleeding heavily as the Narrator turned back to its main enemy.

It walked over to Mr Ian Woon, whose eyes were all facing in the wrong direction. It hit another floating eye, sending it flying straight into the side of Wereta's hut, where it was crushed by the amount of kinetic energy it had been given by the shovel.

Mr Ian Woon turned around. "Still not dead?" he asked, incredulous.

"Nope."

"I'll have to fix that," Mr Ian Woon muttered, charging at the Narrator.

The Narrator waited until he got close, and whacked him in the face with the shovel.

He went down like a blue whale that suddenly appeared high above the surface of the planet. In other words, very fast.

The Narrator proceeded to stab him several times in the chest and hack his body apart with the shovel while he was knocked out. When it was finished, it tossed Mr Ian Woon's severed head in the air, and smashed it with the shovel as it came back down, sending it straight into the side of a distant mountain.

"You'd better stay dead this time," it muttered, throwing various body parts off the cliff.

* * *

This was the scene Rati and Elure were faced with when they returned:

The ground outside Wereta's house showing signs of a struggle. Bloodstains and severed bits of body scattered around. A cow corpse lying over to one side. The Narrator sitting down in the centre of the carnage, cleaning a shovel. Arunerrhu gnawing on a piece of the dismembered corpse.

"What happened?" Elure asked, running over to the Narrator.

"The prophet returned, so Ryhuul killed him again," the Narrator answered. "Some people just won't stay dead."

Behind Elure, Rati was vomiting. He'd seen the lasered eyeball lying deflated on the ground, with eyeball juice all around.

Elure ran back to him, placing a hand over his eyes and guiding him inside.

"I hate eyes," he muttered. "So slimy... So disgusting..."

The Narrator collected up the rest of the bits of body, except for the one Arunerrhu had been eating, and threw them all over the cliff. It walked over to the cat and nudged it with its foot. The cat got up and ran off.

Half of its body was living, while the other half had started rotting.

"It's alive _and_ dead," it muttered. "Must be... oh, boy... Schrodinger's cat," it groaned. "What sort of idiot thought that would be a good idea of a joke?" It sighed, putting the shovel away again and walking inside.

* * *

"Mr Ian Woon is gone," it stated upon entering the room. "Ryhuul made sure of it."

"I made lunch," Wereta announced, entering with a plate piled high with food in each hand. "Goat cheese pasta bake."

"Do you have any ingredients other than goat cheese?" the Narrator sighed.

"Stop complaining and eat," Wereta scolded it.

* * *

The afternoon was a laid-back time where everyone could rest.

And rest they did.

Rati and Elure found a secluded area where they could talk.

Zane and Vera found another secluded corner, where they sat and held hands. This sounds perfectly innocent, until you remember that their mouths are on their hands.

Wereta mixed potions together in the back room.

And the Narrator? It got its laptop out of Hammerspace and played video games.

* * *

Nothing much happened that afternoon. Except for what has already been mentioned.

Or that evening. (Just more of the same. Except it was around the dinner table instead of in secluded corners. And the Narrator wasn't allowed to play video games.)

Or that night. (The Narrator had its first peaceful nights sleep since arriving on Schrodinger. Rati and Elure shared a bed. With their clothes on, you dirty-minded individual. Once again, that last comment was directed to any dirty-minded individuals reading this, not the clean-minded individual that may or may not be you. And that's about it.)

Or the next morning. (Back to the secluded corners.)

So let's just skip ahead to around lunchtime the next day.

* * *

After a lunch of goat cheese and ham sandwiches, Rati and Elure disappeared outside. The Narrator was starting to get sick of its games (shocking, right?), and decided to follow them. It found them sitting in a tree. Talking. Because what else would they be doing? "~Rati and Elure, sitting in a tree! K, I, S, S, I, N, G!~" the Narrator sang.

Oh, yeah, that.

They blushed furiously, ending up looking like a pair of red balls from a ball pit. Except humanoid. And, in the case of Rati, mostly blue anyway. So... not really.

But it was a good analogy, wasn't it? Even though it failed in the details?

"You're a truly horrible singer, Ryhuul, you know that?" Elure sighed.

"But Ryhuul got the point across?" it asked.

The two in the tree then looked at each other, not wanting to acknowledge the grinning Narrator.

"Why not?" Elure asked.

Rati shrugged and leaned in towards her.

And they kissed. In a tree. Just like the rhyme said.

"Romantic subplot: complete," the Narrator said, ticking off an imaginary list.

The Narrator disappeared suddenly. However, Rati and Elure were too busy kissing to notice.

* * *

The Narrator found itself in a large, mostly empty, white room. In front of it was the Board. Still not a piece of wood, by the way. All five members were sitting on the other side of a long wooden desk.

"Bleep," it muttered.

Them again. The ones who had made its life miserable. _Unintentionally_ made its life miserable. That made it worse.

"We have reviewed your performance," the head of the Board said, from behind the desk. It had taken the form of a human for this meeting, and had steepled its fingers. It looked over them at the Narrator.

The Narrator braced itself for bad news.

"You have performed adequately in your narrative," the head continued.

The Narrator relaxed slightly.

"However, your behaviour requires some improvement. You have not been acting in a way that reflects well on us. You will need to refamiliarise yourself with the Code."

Ah, yes. The Code. That pack of lies designed to control it. The Narrator clenched its fists. "No."

"No? You cannot defy-"

"'-the Narrator's superiors'," the Narrator finished. "How many times has the Narrator had _that_ lesson forced down its throat?"

The head opened its mouth to reply.

"Too many," the Narrator said, cutting the other off.

"Not enough, it seems," the head countered. "You have been acting out of line."

"'Out of line'? You mean actually showing traces of a personality? Well, guess what. The Narrator- _Ryhuul_ \- is sick of being forced to show as much personality as a doormat."

"That is what Narrators do. They only tell the story-"

"They have to interact with it," the Narrator interrupted. "They have to get to know the characters. Otherwise the story won't work. If the Narrator doesn't care about the characters, the Reader won't either. And then the Reader doesn't care about the story."

"We are not here for the Reader."

"Then why are we here?"

No response.

"Can the Narrator go now?"

* * *

Afterwards, the Narrator pulled out its phone. "Hey, Bunny? Yeah, the Narrator's done, can it stay with you for a few days? Yeah, it all went well enough. Still have a job. No idea when the next assignment will be though. How are the babies getting on? Tell them Ryhuul misses them too. See you soon."

And with that, the story was over. The end.

* * *

What are you still doing here? Shoo! Story's over.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've read this far, congratulations, you now know more Deep Corru Lore™. This may be the first time some of it comes up in my writing, but it's not the last.
> 
> I hope it was worth it.


End file.
